Flowers and Oranges - Ron Weasley

NINE

How do you know if you're selfish? What makes someone realize their selfishness? What is considered selfish? Leilani thinks about that almost every day and every time, she comes to the same conclusion.

It's easy. Simple even.

You just know if you're selfish. If all your motives in life are for the benefit of yourself and yourself only, then you are selfish. However, the thing is that some people don't realize that their actions are considered selfish. They think they're good people when in reality they're not.

Now Leilani knows she's not considered a good person. She is aware. Always have been and always will be. She's mean, rude and cold. Even her younger self held those traits and were never afraid to use them. But does that make her selfish? Do people think of her as a selfish person?

Is it considered bad to be selfish? If so, is being a bad person someone she would like to be?

If you asked her a few years ago, she would have replied that she didn't care. But now...she's not so sure anymore. Thinking back to what Weasley said that night she caught him and Susan- Leilani realizes that he's right.

She does care. More than she'd like to admit.

What does she even do with that knowledge?

Her gaze was stuck in front of her, zoning out into the beauty that was the swaying trees. Some of the leaves had already turned orange, but some still held on strong to those green tones of summer. But she didn't miss it. She liked the cold and loved rain and its occasional thunderstorms.

Her mother would disagree. She always loved the warmth and comfort the sun brought her. How it brought her garden to life. How it tries its best to light up our dark world. How it would bring back the joy and excitement Malfoy Manor once held.

Glancing down into the dirt she was sitting crossed legged on, she felt the sudden urge to cry. So much has happened in the past few weeks and she was tired. She wanted to go crawl back into the nightmare she still calls home and she wanted to hide from the world beneath her covers in her mothers comforting arms.

But all of those things are impossible.

She is a mess. Sitting in the middle of the forbidden forest, all alone, thinking of her selfish ways. Missing her mother. Feeling sorry for herself. Still not being able to use her stupid wand. Having the chilly wind fly through her hair, leaving a trail of goosebumps appear on her flesh because of the cold. The sun was starting to set, but she had no interest in leaving yet.

Not even getting a coat she secretly wished she had.

Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she started to count in her head as her hand slowly went to her wand. Leilani hesitated before she held it tight in her grip, biting back the physical pain it brought her simply by its touch.

Every time she holds it, she hates herself. Every time she holds it, she feels the pain she caused others. Every time she holds it, she remembers everything she did.

And the worst part is...she deserves it. All of it.

She was tired. She was so tired that she didn't even lift her head or open her eyes when she heard the sound of crunching leaves behind her. Didn't even turn around to look who sat themselves down next to her. She stayed in her position, head down, eyes shut tightly, wand in her fist.

It wasn't until he spoke up that she released the breath she had been holding, relaxed her shoulders she had been tensing "I'm sorry" Leilani heard him exhale and just by that, she knew how hard this was for him "I'll admit, i shouldn't have taken your wand. Blame it on the Gryffindor recklessness"