breaking through my defenses

Chapter 3

(this will mostly be Rin's pov)

"You were crying." he stated, not even trying to make it sound like a question. 

"i wasn't" he lied, then proceeded to sit next to the younger, as he was in the same position where he found him earlier, scoffing at the boy's blatant lie.  

"Yeah, and Sae didn't just insult the shit out of you just now." he said, his cadence having a lower frequency than usual, he was tired, sad, shattered. 

"Well he might have" the boy said, mimicking rin's pose. Looking at his knees pensively, he spoke again. "Something really bad happened to him there, but he wouldn't talk about it" he sighed, resting his head on top of them. 

"sounds like Sae" Rin muttered. 

"yeah, and like you, you both are going to be the end of me someday" he reprimanded, digging his nails in his head. 

"don't ever compare me to him" he warned, slightly angry at the boy's inaccurate accusation, he wouldn't blast off his anger on people he cared for, just because he went through hell. 

"should I remind you that you practically worshipped him?" he remarked,  

He tensed at the call out, well he might have idiolized him a bit too much, but that's just normal behavior, he loved him, he's his only brother for heaven's sake. 

Sae's presence had sketched his every beautiful memory. He had always been the action-speak-louder-than words, taciturn, caring older brother. He cherished his every small act, he was contented with what they had, and Yoichi was the embodiment of the cherry on top. Only for Sae to shatter it all, destroying everything they did or will ever have.

"so you won't deny it" he pointed out, rin tilted his head, and asked, "can I?" 

"no" he replied shortly. "How are you feeling?" he asked with a softer tone. Rin understood that he was being tested on whether or not he'd react similarly to Sae, dodging the question or vaguely answering as a sort of human-feelings-are-lukewarm kind of answer. He had no choice, Yoichi had him cornered, so he decided to give it a little thought, exploring the depth of his feelings towards this whole situation, how did he feel? He can't exactly tell, which he admitted. 

"i don't know... I still can't process what happened, it feels like a nightmare I'd soon wake up from. I feel so..." he breathed, his voice trailed off, looking for the right words to put next to that very last sentence. 

"sad? Let down? Broken?" yoichi continued, his blue eye focusing on the boy before him, analyzing his every word, trying to figure out the ideal way to alleviate the pain.  

"yeah, it's so overwhelming I can't even out it into words." he added. 

"Devastated, right?" Yoichi guessed, to which Rin nodded as to confirm the rightness of it. "My God, Rin I can't even imagine how tough this is for you" he says sympathetically, slightly rubbing the younger's hair. 

"you seem to be taking your chunk just fine, i'm pretty sure Sae was mean to you too" he reckoned,  

Yoichi sighed, "he was, don't remind me." then he added, "but I know he was lying, and so did he to you" matter-of-factly kind of way. Rin looked at him suspiciously, curious as to unravel what the boy was thinking. 

"How are you so sure?" 

"I saw it in his eyes, that he was lying, and also he had dried tears in his eyes when I first met him." 

"Oh" he exclaimed; his mind disturbed at the new information he's just learned. 

Yoichi continued, "That is, ignoring the fact that he showed up like cadaver who just crawled out of his grave." 

"True, he did look horrible." he confirmed,  

"Well, knowing Sae that's just how he reacts when he's forced to show vulnerability, he runs away, also think he feels as though he let us down, especially you Rin, who had so much faith in him" he finished. 

At that Rin tensed, well he did add fire to the fuel by chastising Sae, oblivious to his whereabouts. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt,  

"Though it doesn't make him less of an asshole for shit he said." Yoichi added, as if he sensed the boy's self-reproach, he was just good like that. 

"What if you were just seeing things?" he queried, 

Yoichi seemed to have already considered that, "well in that case, though I highly doubt it, we'll just have to suck it up and survive on our own. What did he even say to you anyway?"  

He hesitated a bit, but he gave in through the boy's persistence. "he said that I was nothing but an eyesore of an annoying little brother, that everything we had meant nothing to him, that he didn't-" 

"Need you in his life anymore? He'd said this to me too. and I can assure you it's nonsense." he continued, interrupting the young Itoshi, who went silent for several seconds, then trailed off. "He said not to use him as my reason to play soccer anymore." 

"Oh, about that, he lifted his head, "I was actually going bring it up before, because well, it just happens that you wouldn't reach your full potential by having this kind of outer motive. It should come from within you, your reason to play" 

"I never really thought about that" he admitted, "I just, did what he told me to do" he muttered, embarrassed at himself. "I do enjoy it though, but I don't really know" 

Yoichi smiled warmly, "it's okay, don't rush yourself up into finding one, but I'm sure you'll figure it out" he assured. He smiled back, barely even, but a smile nonetheless, he had no choice but to believe whatever Yoichi was feeding him, although he had doubts, and was desolated by the whole turmoil, he tried to brush it off at the moment, "wanna play a videogame?" he suggested.

Yoichi's arms freed his knees, grinning. Rin was aware the boy was just as sad but was trying for his sake, which he had appreciated, "you're on, just don't put that freaky shit" 

"Backing out scaredy cat?" he sneered. 

He scrunched his nose, "as if"