breaking through my defenses

chapter 17

Sae was conscious of his terrible cooperation to keep the conversation going, whereas Yoichi was practically interviewing him, but he wasn't in control of what he's become; he barely ever needed to communicate, therefore him reaching out for Yoichi first was enough to show him that he was special to him.

But that was as far as he could go for the meantime, Yoichi should understand, he always did, with the bare minimum effort of his behalf.

He also was alert to the tension that kept building up as the conversation flowed, barely, until it was brought to a deafening silence, one that didn't bear semblance to the one from their memories.

Yoichi ran his fingers through his hair multiple times, a pattern he had recognized as him being extremely nervous, and was struggling to voice something stuck in his throat, which seemingly weren't pleasant ones.

He watched him expectantly, as he opened his mouth only to close it, shortening his breaths that had become uneven of the repetitive act, only to blurt out after one deep breath; "I don't.. I don't think I can do this."

He bit his lip; he should've seen it coming. It was the only possible outcome of their twisted relationship, that only weakened through the distance, and his constant refusal to open up. They would sooner or later grow tired of how little they knew of their new selves, narrowing them to mere strangers with a couple of shared memories, who pathetically clung to their childish feeling for whatever issues they were facing. Them together was what their younger selves wanted. As for their current selves, he wasn't sure, and so was Yoichi.

"it's fine."

"is it though?" he queried, his eyes meeting Sae's.

"Yeah, I'm really fine with whatever you want." he answered, slumping against his bed.

Yoichi wasn't so fond of his answer, apparently, who after chewing his cheek for a while asked in a hushed tone;

"so you're throwing the ball at my court again?"

"I won't force you into anything you don't want." he spoke, after all Yoichi was the biggest victim of this relationship's entanglement. Therefore, it was warranted for him to decide whether or not he wanted it to persist, and Sae would simply accept his faith.

"I get it, but won't you even try? You said you loved me, was it.. was also a lie?" he asked, his voice trailing as went on his accusation.

This, irked Sae. When he himself wasn't willing to try, why did he want Sae to? He was trying to throw all the blame on him so he could sleep guiltfree, since the break up was done correspondingly. Moreover, it wasn't known for him to treat people with anything but contempt, much less going around and falsely confess that he loved them, it was uncomfortable enough for him to feel it, to utter it, and there was the subject of his love doubting him.

"the fuck are you taking me for?" he hissed, quirking a brow. His face revealed nothing from the anger that boiled his guts.

"I don't know? What should I take you for when the only thing I know about you is that you're an asshole?" he shot back. That too he could've predicted, Yoichi wouldn't just take lightly the fact that he ghosted him for five years, and although he wasn't to blame, he pretty much looked like he was trying defend his decision of throwing him away.

"Are you guilt-freeing yourself from your sudden urge to dump me?"

He tightly closed his eyes, cradling his head tiredly. He heaved a sigh, "can you at least try to understand where I'm coming from?"

He peered at him thoughtfully, both brows raised as his lids covered half of his irises, and his lips pursed, Yoichi was being hypocrite. He could've simply said he wanted to end things up, there was no other explanation to it.
Sae had only voiced out loud the first sentence, leaving his thought process for himself.