breaking through my defenses

chapter 9

He opened the second one, it was three weeks later, he was outside with his earbuds on, "hey! I knew you wouldn't see the video but will that stop me? Absolutely not" he smiled, "and this never happened when we meet up." he sternly said, his blue eyes holding an artificial seriousness. "You may notice I'm no longer in Kamakura. We moved to Saitama, work issues." he shortly explained, "it's not like I don't like it here but soccer is boring without Rin, finally understand what you felt playing with me" he chuckled, what's with the self-slender? "i see you thinking finally some self-awareness?" he accused, making him snort at being caught red handed. "I won the nationals, look" he showed his gold medal. "I mean this doesn't come near your achievements but I wanted to share" he slightly was brought back to reality by the mention, "don't roll your eyes." he started, "I finished the last volume of my favorite manga and I'm having a breakdown" he fake-cried, he had indeed rolled his eyes. "Take care" he said, smiling softly, this time he didn't bring the camera to his skull before ending the video.

He watched for hours, repeating some of them, noting how he's grown calmer and more composed over the videos, how his emotions became more sincere and heartfelt, how his little 'take care' s were more affectionate, constantly telling him to eat well and sleep, the little blush on his face, occasionally praising his performance in the games that were broadcasted, telling him how jealous he was of his current level.

He felt his heart uncontrollably pound in his chest, for the first time in almost a year and a half, he realized how lonely he was. He hadn't made any friends since he wasn't interested in any form of bonding, which resulted in so much resentment and persecution against him, since he was easily outnumbered, and he's never mastered the foreign language to properly use his weapon of vulgar language. It was futile to fight back, but he had so much pride not to.

He wanted, rather needed Yoichi by his side, he was tired, he wanted his safe shelter, it would mend all his pain. He didn't realize when tears started forming until they penetrated his ear, he fell asleep, thinking he'd answer later.

Later had never come, as he was engulfed once again in his daily struggle. That day he had sent unwillingly so many assists in a critical match which made him want to scream on top of his lungs, or straight up murder himself. He went out after showering, ignoring the usual mockery he received from his teammates, and the tongue-to-cheek praise.

His feet took him to the sea, it was the only thing that scarcely diminished his frustration, the blue of sea had always soothed him, the salty wet air, the sound of seagulls, and that of the wind brushing water forming waves of various sizes. It was all so euphoric. He longed for those days where he went with his little brother and Yoichi.

He took out his phone as soon as he's crossed his mind, he's seen that he had indeed received from him. It was his usual rant about something happened to him, about Sae's progress, and how proud behind the how jealous he was, finishing up with his little 'take care', that had him unconsciously touch the screen as if it's the real thing. He shut his phone down, putting it beside him.

He wondered where did he go wrong in his life, where had he committed the fatal mistake that led him to the despair he was in. At first his greed was to solely to become the best in the world, perhaps it was because he let himself be distracted by other futilities, perhaps it was the forgiveness he was receiving, that he had become less strict towards himself, which held him back from his true potential, or maybe he was simply not built for this position he was dying to maintain.

He never again allowed himself to check whatever Yoichi had sent him, which ached him but it had to be done , numbing again his once cold heart. Sleepless nights and incessant training had done nothing but confirm that he indeed had to give up on being a striker, considering that it'd always result on the same dismay, considering the handful of fatal mistakes he had perpetrated that risked his whole career to collapse, with the coach piercing his ear with the words; "itoshi, if you're not willing to cooperate, you'd be sent back to play in your sucky national team." He was met with the very thing he's always loathed, failure.