Is Love Enough ??

Chapter 36

Kirti combed her hair as she sat by her dresser in her room, staring unseeingly into the mirror. The events of the evening playing out in her head.

After Mrs. Khanna, had gone back to the party, Kirti had seemed to have very little interest left for what was happening inside the hall. She had stayed back on the terrace for a while sorting through all that had happened. The intensity of Maan's emotions, Rupal's confessions and the emotional roller coaster she had gone through with them both. She had needed extra minutes alone, by herself to find the courage to go back and pretend as if all was normal. Maan's anger, the words he had used to lash out, Mrs. Khanna's hurt, her recounting of events few knew of, how strange she had felt that despite being just a spectator she had been deeply affected just the same. She had always thought she had understood Maan, and maybe up till a certain level she did, knowing what she had of his life and circumstances but the happenings tonight had told her a lot more. Oh! So much more than she could have ever imagined. And he had kept it all hidden. Even so, some instinct was telling her that what Maan had revealed today was the tip of the iceberg, the rest was still hidden under the surface. When he had talked to his mother Kirti had had a distinct feeling of how much emotional burden he carried inside him. She had wondered how he had missed going insane? How he had managed to lock up everything inside and still live a normal life? But he wasn't living a normal life. Everyone had their challenges, everyone had their share of hurts and pains and grief but the amount with Maan....was not normal. And what of Rupal Khanna? Hadn't she suffered for no fault of hers? Didn't she need support and respect now? She had had no one to help her, no one to guide. She may be the envy of many but nobody knew of the compromises and sufferings she had lived through. It was tragic. Kirti had wanted to return home. She hadn't been able to find the nerve to go back to the gaiety. But she had to. And if Rupal and Maan could go through so much and still go through the act, so could she, after all her hurt at her family's refusal to accept her or pain at all their insults was nothing in comparison. Straightening herself and squaring her shoulders she had returned. Her eyes had immediately searched and found Rupal who had been talking to Gurpreet's mother with a smile and easy manner. Next, she had looked for Maan, and he hadn't been there but just before she could have started worrying he had returned. Though he hadn't engaged himself in any more talks after that standing aloof, he had made sure that if anybody else spoke to him he merely listened. And she had sat there with her cousins once more watching the two people she had come to know so well, all the time thinking of what she could do to ease their pains.

Now as she combed her hair a sudden thought entered her mind. The control Maan exuded on himself was like a ticking bomb. It could burst anytime. And she couldn't lose him whether he married her or not. That admission made her pause in her action and she stared at her image in the mirror for a second. She was okay if he married her or not? How come? What about wanting more? What about having him as hers, and hers alone? What about the legality of the kids when they had them? 'But if Maan himself broke because of your demands on him, what is the point of having everything but him,' the voice asked her in her head. Kirti frowned not sure where that thought had come from. 'You heard what Rupal said, you heard her story,' it went on, 'isn't that what Maan has been saying all along, marriage does not guarantee anything,' it said, 'it is just a license issued by society with parental approval for a man and a woman to live together, is all,' it insisted. Kirti placed the comb on the table and took in a deep shaky breath. Those were the words she had given to Rupal Khanna just that morning when she had met her at the club. There were no guarantees. For anything. Relationships, love, bonds, life itself were constantly evolving themes. They changed with every instance, every experience, every deed. People changed thus and if that was true then how come other things could remain static. It wasn't possible. As she thought through it all she found she wasn't all that shocked anymore. And she was fast realizing that her need for more or her need for wanting everything stemmed out of a fear. A fear of losing Maan. But she could lose him even after spending a decade with him. Hell, she could lose him even now. She shook her head at the morose thought. It was just a matter of another two days. Then they will head back. Away from this city. She was no close to resolving her conflicts with her family and she will just have to reconcile to that fact. It was heartbreaking but it was true and she must accept it. What she had with Maan.... there was no replacement. At what point of time had she forgotten the beauty of her relationship? Why? Would Maan change if he married her? No. He wouldn't. He would still stay the same. And who was to say she wouldn't change in the future? How come she had become so blind? Her unhappiness, confusion had been of her own making. Maan had always been clear at his end. He had never made ambiguous statements. He had always been clear and concise. But over the months she herself had let her fears drive towards wanting what Maan couldn't offer. And she was now coming to understand that it wasn't worth losing Maan over. Nothing was worth losing him. Now that she was slowly coming out of the haze that had clouded her brain since she had stepped onto that plane headed for Chandigarh, she was also very aware that Maan needed to get the load off him. Whatever glimpse she had had of the huge emotional baggage he had locked up inside him was enough to tell her she needed to push him for that. Maybe that would also mend a bit of his relationship with his mother. And Kirti's mind went back to all she had learned about the woman today.