Is Love Enough ??

Chapter 47

Maan stood looking out the window. They had returned to their room, after the not so pleasant encounter downstairs. Since most people had still been enjoying the party it seemed nobody knew about the storm that had taken place under the roof of this house tonight. Not that he cared. As far as he was concerned they could all go take a hike, what he couldn't stand, was for anyone to hurt Kirti. His jaw tightened at the reminder of all she had to bear tonight. Had it been the same way last time too? The day they had severed ties with her. He didn't know. Or had it gotten uglier this time round considering he was present? He didn't know. It irritated him to no end. Not knowing. They had never really spoken about it. He and Kirti. She probably because it was a painful memory and he because he hadn't wanted to hurt her by reminding her about it. Or was it because he had been nervous about upsetting her and then dealing with her emotions? It was a random thought. But it bothered him. A lot. He realized he didn't like it one bit. He had made mistakes, he wasn't happy to acknowledge he had been wrong in some aspects, but he was willing to accept. Though he still couldn't come to terms with how Kirti's family had spoken and behaved with her. How dare anyone speak to Kirti like that. How come being parents they used such degrading words for her? And these were the people Kirti had wanted to bridge the gap with. But he wasn't a young man with no concept of things, he knew it was all because of the terms and conditions he had put on their relationship. His friends had accepted them without a blink, embracing her amidst their fold. And since he had never really spoken to her family or his he had never bothered to know or understand their perspective. Not that he cared now. All he cared for was her.

Maan turned his head slightly to glance at the girl who had come to mean so much to him, that he couldn't contemplate his life without her in it, sitting quietly on the bedside with her head bowed, shoulders slumped and hands clasped tightly in her lap. What was she thinking? He could see the frown lines on her forehead, the worry lines around her delicate mouth. How did she feel? Awful, devastated, disillusioned if he was to go by her expression. Maybe ashamed as well. Oh, she wasn't ashamed of their relationship he knew that, she had defended it and her choices loud and clear. And he was proud of her. If she had surprised her family with her arguments, she had surprised him too. And this was after he had been living with her for the past so many months, known her for so many years before that. But in all this time he had never known her to get angry. Tonight, she had been furious. Multiple times. She had been hurt too. 'I love him...' Her words. And his heart constricted. He loved her too. Maybe he always had, but after his many negative experiences it had been difficult to accept. It had been difficult to use that word and so he had substituted it with words like 'care', 'understand', 'like'. His fear had been bigger rendering him blind. He had wanted her because he had loved her. He couldn't let her go because he loved her. He had been selfish. And to a certain extent manipulative too. Especially in the beginning. His fear had blinded him. Was it only just that? And he frowned slightly turning his head back towards the window.

What did that mean? He had always had commitment issues especially to the kind society expected him to make. Relationships had always bothered him. He had seen his own parents' bond crumble. He had witnessed several others struggle, be miserable without choices, the remaining were political in nature. A constant tug and pull. Power struggle between two individuals who were supposed to be each other's support system. And it wasn't necessarily just a husband and wife relationship. And he had disliked it all. When that dislike turned to abhorrence he never really realized. All he had wanted was the freedom to choose. Choose the way he wanted to live. Choose how he wanted to live. Away from nonsensical societal pressures, away from the bondage of illogical customs. And he had never given a thought to how single minded he had become. He had always felt superior because of his beliefs, his broadmindedness never really looking at another perspective. How was he progressive? His lips curled into an unpleasant smile full of derision. In his bid to justify his ideas he had conveniently told himself that the choices in what he was offering Kirti in their relationship worked both ways. She had an equal right to walk out if she felt that way without ever fearing a social stigma. The sole reason why his mother had accepted her position in her husband's life. Because even if she had wanted to leave citing her husband's adulterous ways, where would she have gone with two kids, what would she have done without any financial support and the stigma of being a divorcee... in those days. All her relatives would have cut off from her. Maybe those were the reasons she had compromised. Maybe those were the reasons she had been completely helpless to deal with Ashok Khanna all by herself. All the years of pretense, for others' benefit even though everyone knew...knowing that everyone knew of Ashok Khanna's lifestyle, how had she managed? To show indifference towards those who claimed to be friends and yet gossiped the second your back was turned. To smile at every anniversary party or birthday parties thrown in each other's honor. How had she held herself together? Where had his mother found that kind of strength? Hell, he had never even spoken of it to her staying angry with her, thinking her to be lacking strength and conviction. Seeing her silence as a sign of weakness. How had he helped? Where no one had ever taken a stand in supporting her, what had he done? Nothing. And that one word stung. If others hadn't done what they were supposed to do, he hadn't done anything either, while others were strangers or relatives, he had been the son. Rupal Khanna had always pretended all was well and he had left her to deal with it and find her own path instead of showing understanding for her situation. He had always blamed her for all he had suffered. It had been all about his hurts and pains, never had he once considered or thought of what he would find behind the mask his mother wore. He couldn't imagine. Would he find a broken woman or a sad, disillusioned woman? What he had never even sensed let alone see was something Kirti had known. She had said so...multiple times now. Maybe somewhere he had known it too but he had brushed it all aside. He had hidden behind his own experiences. It hurt him, it always did, the reminder of all the taints in his life, but that hurt was now doubled considering he hadn't seen beyond his own pains to ever do something to better either his mother's or sister's situation. If he was emotionally scarred so were they. Isha had gone through the same grill as he had. And all he had done was distance himself from it all. Instead of facing his problems he had conveniently created a wall around himself and secured himself within it, without understanding that there never is anything right or wrong, to govern a certain society there were rules and norms, so everything ran smoothly, there was nothing necessarily wrong with anything, except how people twisted everything around to suit their purposes. That everything was subjective and not objective, and it wasn't necessary that everyone agreed to a point of thinking. The shocker probably was, that his self-assurance had suffered a setback. That the ideas he had been supporting didn't need any classification. Kirti had claimed, he had never lied to her. But he had. And not just to her, but himself too and to everyone around him. If marriage was not a solution for everything then not getting married wasn't a solution either. Damn, but he was a conceited ****. Kirti's father was right in that at least. Somewhere his real fear had always made him reluctant to commit and to cover that fear his subconscious had created this mask so no one could pinpoint his weakness. Only, while doing that he had lost track of reality. To protect himself from more hurt he had conveniently devised this amazing charade. And he had made Kirti part of that charade as well. It stunned him. The realization. He reeled with all that was going around in his head.

The only truth...real, honest truth in all this emotional maze was that he loved Kirti. He had never before said that even to himself with such honesty. But he couldn't deny it any longer. He turned around to find her still sitting there, in the same position. She had called him honest. It was time he matched up to her words.

It was time to face the truth and give her a choice. A real choice.

If she chose him, he promised himself he would try to undo all the wrongs that had been done knowingly or unknowingly and of course, keep her happy. But if she chose to leave.... he will let her go. Even if it killed him.

And kill him, it will.

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