Is Love Enough ??

Chapter 48

Kirti was upset. In fact, upset didn't even begin to cover how she felt. In actuality, she didn't know how she felt. Such negativity, such hatred left her aghast. Unable to cope with such strong emotions she wasn't even sure how she had managed to talk so much. Damn, she didn't even remember half of what she had said in the heat of the moment. All she had known was she couldn't let them victimize Maan just because they couldn't see what a wonderful man Maan really was or that she was tremendously happy with him.

Since the time they had come upstairs he had been standing by the window looking out. His stance stiff, his manner aloof. She couldn't see his face and she had no clue as to what he was thinking. He had to be super upset or extremely mad to not even look at her. And just that thought made her miserable. She wasn't sure if she should approach him or not. The problem was she had never felt this uncertain before. Not with him. She had always been able to speak her mind, talk to her heart's content, so why was it so different now? Because this time round things had gotten past control, his wounds had been reopened multiple times and she had no clue how he was dealing with any of it. He seemed so unapproachable right now that her heart hurt. And the feeling of helplessness really made her uncomfortable. She loved him, he was everything to her, their relationship was something she was proud of, so why was she feeling this way. She bit her lower lip.

Doubts claimed her mind. What if he left right away? What if he decided he wanted nothing to do with her? With growing alarm, she realized that the last thought wouldn't let go of her. What if he decided to end everything after what had happened? God knew they had all caused him immense pain since the time he had arrived, her included. What would she do if he decided to leave? The panic increased. There was still a little sane part of her which reminded her that he loved her. That he would never leave her and go. That he was logical enough to reason through anything. Kirti found herself grasping on to that tiny voice of sanity. Though she still wasn't sure if her parents' words would cloud his sound, logical mind or not. What if his emotions came out as winners? She hoped that wouldn't happen. Oh! Why hadn't she listened when he had advised against coming here. It was her fault he was here in the first place. How many times was she going to tell her the same? She had done enough times. The problem was the truth of it wouldn't leave her alone. She knew her parents, her family better than anyone. The importance they placed on certain things. The only good part in all of this was that her relationship had become somewhat better with Anika and Vansh. But that was very small a solace in the face of everything else. What if Maan viewed the thing in the same light? What if he didn't forgive her? 'But there is nothing to forgive,' said the saner side of her. Only this time Kirti hushed it, she wasn't keen on it. Her thoughts were chaotic and her emotions were in turmoil. She would be a mess if he walked away. She would be lost. Finally, she heard him take a deep breath and turn towards her.

"Kirti..." he said a bit more seriously than usual.

"I am sorry Maan," she intervened quickly. Her panic may have calmed a bit but it wasn't gone completely. His more than serious tone made her jittery. She peeked a sideways glance at him and saw him frowning. Again, not a good sign. He rarely frowned. He was always cool and calm. Before he could say anything, or even finish what he wanted to say she hurried on, "I am really sorry," she said in a choked voice.

It seemed he was considering her words. Because he looked thoughtful now. There was an interminable pause before he started speaking again.

"Why are you apologizing?" he asked slowly.

"Because...because I shouldn't have spoken of your past like that," she said and her head dropped even lower than it was before, her voice turning soft and low, "it hurt you. I could see it in your eyes," she said painfully, "and I am sorry I hurt you," she went on without realizing that Maan had a faint smile on his lips or that he was shaking his head , "I should have listened to you," she said her voice barely above a whisper, "I shouldn't have come here..." she paused for barely a second trying to stop her voice from breaking, "I should never have gotten emotional and because of me you had to come too and face unjustified insults," she carried on, "it is all because of me," she said and as her emotions choked her she realized she couldn't go on without breaking down. Her fears, her doubts, her emotions were swirling inside her like a maelstrom. If they got out of control Maan would hate her even more. He couldn't stand emotional outbursts of any kind. But then he had always been the stronger of the two. Not that it meant he wasn't emotional, maybe he was more but he never let them rule. No matter how much she tried a few tears escaped and more threatened to follow. Every time she thought she had emerged strong her doubts and fears weakened her. She will have to either give in or rush to the washroom. To be by herself for a while. She didn't do either. She just sat there feeling guilty. And then she felt Maan move more than see or hear him. Despite his height he was always so quiet. Next, she found herself peering into his face as he sat there on his haunches looking up into her face.

"Tears again," he said as he smiled faintly.

Kirti quickly wiped them off but more filled the empty space and rolled down again. She would have wiped them off too but as she raised her hand Maan captured it and held it in his large one. His touch gentle. And with his other hand wiped them off.

"Sorry," Kirti said softly but he heard it.

"And why the apology again," he asked gently.

"Because you hate tears," she said with a sniffle keeping her gaze on his chin. She couldn't look at his eyes and see his exasperation with her.

"And you never do anything I dislike," he asked, his voice soft.

"I try," she said.

"Why?" he asked again.

And at that she looked up. Into his eyes. Why, he was asking. Didn't he know? But he did. She could see it in his eyes. There was amu****t. She had heard it in his voice too that was what had made her look up. But there was more. More than amu****t. There were a lot of other emotions swirling in the depths of his eyes. There was regret, fear, care and understanding. All conflicting emotions. She stared mutely at him trying to understand his mood. He wasn't angry as she had thought. He looked more speculative. And what of the fear she saw in his eyes? What was he fearing? He was a strong confident personality and she drew her strength and confidence from him at times. So, him fearing anything was an alien concept to her. And the grimness. What should she make of that?

"Why, Kirti?" he asked breaking into her thoughts.

His restlessness and anxiety got through to her.

"Because I love you Maan," she said. Simply. Honestly. Truthfully. As always.

"And that is reason enough," he said his fingers slightly tightening on the hand he still held.

"Reason enough for what?" Kirti asked with a slight frown on her forehead. Why was he talking in such a cryptic tone? It was frightening her, as if....as if something big, something profound was going to take place.

"Reason enough to not behave the way you actually want to," Maan said a little harshly, "reason enough to leave everything you knew, everyone you loved to start a new life with someone you have only known a few months of your entire life," his voice grew harsher, "reason enough to try and be someone you probably are not," he said and then stood up restlessly to rake a hand through his hair and then he abruptly turned around.

Kirti stood at his back. What was he getting at? What was he trying to say? Was this his way of saying it was over. She couldn't let him do that...she would at least have to try to change his mind if that was what he was trying to decide. It was their life, their relationship, it had to be their decision. Wasn't that what he had told Veer. Granted, Maan had always maintained that the choice to walkout at anytime, anywhere had always been available to them both but...no, she couldn't contemplate him walking out.

"For me that is reason enough Maan," she said bravely, hoping she sounded as confident.

"It shouldn't be Kirti," Maan said a little more loudly than he intended, his voice booming in the room.

And Kirti was surprised. She didn't detect any anger on his face. Agreed, he had been loud but it wasn't because he was mad. What she saw was a strange mix of confusion and anxiety. Grimness cloaked him. He was struggling with something. She could see the struggle in his eyes. But she had never seen him lose control of how he felt before. So, what was wrong? Had the words that had been flung at him downstairs done more damage than she had thought.

"What is wrong Maan?' she asked quietly trying to keep her building panic at bay and saw him pause and look at her. The lost look he gave her made her heart constrict. "Tell me, talk to me," she urged softly, keeping her tone gentle.

He had to talk to her or burst. Maan knew that. There was so much inside him that wanted out and he knew if anyone would understand it was her.

Question was where did he start?

"I am sorry Kirti," he said slowly.

Maan was apologizing. Why? Will her fears come true? Had he decided then? She didn't know.

And Maan realized immediately he had started all wrong. Kirti's face had turned chalk white.

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