Hate Is A Strong Word

19.

!Sorry again for any possible mistakes, English is not my first language!
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I run from everything in my life. Problems, relationships, everything I can run from. Especially the feeling of love. How long it took me to admit to myself, that I loved Samuel. Years before I was finally able to admit to myself, that I had feelings for that boy. But why does it feel like I'm experiencing this feeling, this emotion again, and probably even more intensely than last time.

When I woke up in the morning, Sebastian was lying next to me, his lips parted and a satisfied look on his face as he slept. With me in his arms. The warmth, the safety, the tenderness, that poured from his body. I studied his sleeping face. I looked at his closed eyes, his pink lips, his long eyelashes, the invisible dimples, the light circles under his eyes. I observed even the smallest and seemingly insignificant parts of his face. The scars, that are on his face from all the different reasons, that are closely associated with hockey.

Gently and gently, I stroked his forehead with my fingertips and brushed his blonde waves away from his face, the most beautiful smile in this world spread across his face. He was so gentle, so sincere. The worst part was that he didn't even know, he smiled like that. He was in his own fairy tale world. That's what haunts me. The thought that I run away from as fast as I can.

But it's stronger than me. I feel like if I don't run from it and it catches me, I'll never get out of it. It will hold me in its grip until it just kills me. Love is a wonderful feeling, but I just can't fall in love with him, as I know he would hurt me. I'd hurt him again, he's not alone in it. I need someone who will stand by me in any situation. In the bad times and the good times, but Sebastian doesn't seem like that.

He needs the same thing in his life. Someone who'll be there for him no matter what. Sebastian is a very emotional person, I've found that out over the years and over the last few weeks. Sometimes he just can't control his emotions and lets them out. When things go wrong, he lets it show. Something he doesn't like or he's upset about, he lets it show. That's usually not nice, because he can get into a fight. He needs a person, who knows him through, all his shady and sunny sides. Someone, who will just tie him up in a hug and not say anything. He needs that tenderness.

He's broken, because of everything that's happened in his life. All that moving from one continent to another. His father's not helping either. He expects the best from him, makes hockey hell for him a lot of times. Something he really loves and he's making it something, that shouldn't be fun and to something he should make a living from in the future. Of course, you need to have formed some kind of relationship, some kind of bond with the sport, without that you can't do it any other way.

The person who is supposed to save him, so to speak, should be good, unbroken. And I probably won't be, even I have some scars and imperfections. I'm not as brave as I seem at first glance. I'm afraid, terribly afraid, of everything. A lot about a feeling, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Him and I simply can't be together, it wouldn't work. But he's just. I already know why everyone lies at his feet, if that's how he treats everyone, I totally understand.

I run and run, on and on. The cold almost December wind hits my face and bites my cheeks. I can feel my whole body tingling with cold, but at the same time it's covered in sweat. The tears I shed are cold as soon as they run down my skin and dry. I run between the fields, mud splashing all around me every time I bounce off the ground. My leggings are already dirty, my shoes completely. I needed this. To get the aggression out of me, the feeling.

I stop in the middle of a field, and a herd of about five does and roebucka run past me about twenty meters away. They run freely and carelessly across the wet field, that's waiting for the first snow to fall. One of the does turns to me and then runs back to the herd. I start to wipe away my tears, but it still doesn't help as they keep running from my eyes down my face.