Hate Is A Strong Word

32.

The doorbell rings throughout the house and I know it doesn't bode well. Every time someone rings, I get scared and my soul almost evaporates from my body. It's the same today. But the fact that scares me more is that Sebastian is behind that door. I haven't spoken to him since the incident on Saturday, even when he tried to call and text me, I didn't respond.

He didn't show up at school today, but that's because he's flying to China early tomorrow morning. He's finally going to get his big dream, but I won't be his biggest support like I was at juniors. He can try to call or text me, but I'll ignore him. I don't care if anything happens there, if anything goes wrong. I don't really give a shit anymore. He messed up something between us and I don't trust him.

Make sure he knows there'll be no late-night phone calls or long conversations. I'm not going to sit around with my cell phone in my hand and anxiously watch the game results when I'm at my old folks' house. I was fine with him, I'm not saying I wasn't, but he fucked this up. He can't expect me to forgive him. Tell me he's sorry and I'll fall around his neck.

I handled it pretty well. A tear fell, and not one, only then I realized if he was really worth my tears. If he's not able to be faithful to me, it's not gonna work. It wasn't cheating, we weren't together, but this was about trust. He knew I had trouble trusting people, that I wouldn't give my trust to everyone, but he did what he did. He took my trust and threw it into the deep end.

I still can't figure out why. Why did he go out with her and why did he let her have her arm around his waist? Why the fuck did he stroke her arm? I mean, we were good together, or so I thought. We laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. We had moments at practice where we danced to a song instead of practicing and we had a good time.

When I think of those moments when I was slowly starting to fall in love with him, I feel a little like crying. I was determined to embrace his happy and broken side, but it just didn't work out because of what he did. Once the hatred between us built up, it never went away. Those months were amazing, but I knew in my heart that it wouldn't end well.

One word kept going through my head, why? He was happy with me, as long as he wasn't pretending and posturing. That smile I so often had on my face was full of joy and happiness. The broken boy chasing a career and success was slowly becoming a boy with a healthy relationship with the sport he loved, also a boy who was starting to be happy. But that's probably gone now. Maybe he's more happy with it.

I don't know what he was missing. Maybe it was the fact that we didn't sleep together. My trust wasn't such that I would let him do something like that. I'd regret it if we slept together and then I saw him with someone else. We didn't sleep together, that's why I feel good. I know he didn't use me for my body. Maybe he wanted to do it, but he's not that much of a dick. But his behavior says something else.

It's complicated. Best I just let it go for now. I'll put it behind me and not dwell on it. At least for now. I hate infidelity. I loathe people who cheat on someone. This wasn't infidelity, he wasn't mine and I wasn't his, but he broke my trust in him. Imagine my trust in him is a chain with a pendant on it. He broke the chain and threw the pendant away.

He just let me down. I don't think there's a better word than that. I'm not gonna deal with this right now. In time, we may or may not work it out, and after a few months, it's like there's no bond between us.

"Are you going there?" Juro looks up from his Legos. It's Monday afternoon, a little after five. Our parents are still at work and probably won't be for a long time. You know, the end of the month. Juro and I sit on the couch in our cozy living room, enjoying a moment of peace. I'm engrossed in writing a book about us and Juraj is building Lego. There's some fairy tale on the TV, but neither of us are paying attention.