Hate Is A Strong Word

43.

July 10, Tuesday night and we are halfway to Croatia. The whole family is still recovering from all the different things that have happened over the last few weeks. Simon hasn't come home yet, because he says he is dealing with some important things about hockey and his contract and then he will fly with Andrea to her family in Slovakia. His leg is fine now, but he is not willing to fly to his little sister.

When me, Dad, Mom and Juro get back from Croatia, those two should come. Juro is sleeping next to me because he's been watching hockey footage the whole time, Mom is curled up in the passenger seat, and the only ones awake are Dad and me. Dad's listening some podcast and I'm thinking of other ways. And in my thinking, I'm working out the endless saga of the title, the book needs to come out as soon as possible because both I and the publisher want it.

I'm dealing with lots and lots of things, and some of them are really stupid. The book should be out in less than a month, which is pretty short. We're fine-tuning the last details, but there are too many, and I've never experienced this before. But that's probably because we've never tried to publish my book in three months and still reveal my identity. But I'm not gonna do that until the week before the book comes out. It's supposed to go to press while I'm on vacation.

We have just crossed the border between Slovenia and Austria, so all we have to do is cross Slovenia and Croatia to the sea. My parents have rented some house by the sea. We are going to the sea again after a long time, because I spent almost all my holidays with my grandmother in Slovakia, but I am not complaining. According to the photos it is a beautiful and modern house, but there is one thing I am afraid of and it scares me.

My parents told me before we left that old friends would be there with us, and the phrase old friends makes me feel terrified. I can think of hundreds of thousands of people, but for the life of me I can't think of anyone who would volunteer to go with us. We're cool, but we can be pretty out there. We get each other. I'm not much for family vacations because I've always spent all my free time with Sam at my grandma's. Speaking of which.

He's the number one pick. We've been talking a lot since the beginning of July. It's weird when we haven't spoken in six months. He was so worried it wouldn't work out, but it did. We were all sitting downstairs in the living room, 2:00 in the morning, and when they said his name, I started crying. We may be just friends now, but we've been through some things together, and not a few of them.

He was still calling me that night, it was about five in the morning, and by the time he rolled out of the arena, all the interviews and fans, he didn't get to the hotel until late. He called me all tearful and happy. I didn't cry anymore because I only shed tears of happiness for one person. It was a very nice moment as it was his wish and dream that he kept telling me about. I love him, but someone else is on the scene right now.

Sebastian. After I took his grades from F's and D's to C's, B's and even, ladies and gentlemen, A's, I knew I had succeeded. Only, more things had happened between us, as we'd slept together and then fought and then slept again and then fought and slept again, both of us realizing that something wasn't right, that we probably had feelings for each other, but both of us dismissing those feelings and hiding them. Well, it's going round and round like a merry-go-round now. We're just at that stage where we're fighting again.

We're fine with each other, but we're not a couple. It's just, I guess we're not just having sex, it's all sorts of things. Sometimes he comes to me all horny and the next day tears rolling down his cheeks and he goes in for a hug. It's the same with me. One day I want to kiss him until he stops breathing, but two days later I want to strangle him with a rope because he's being, well, a dick.

If only everything could be simple. I'd come home from amazing Croatia, enjoy the summer with him, and then mourn his departure for hockey. But it's not that simple or sweet, and it never will be. There are a few factors that make it a little more complicated. Every single league is interested in him, even the ones he can't play in because of his age. After my vacation I'll go to Slovakia, because without Slovakia there is no summer, and I'll spend at least a week and a half in my grandmother's village. And I think the biggest complication is my book.