Hate Is A Strong Word

44.

"How are things between you two?" Andrea turns to me and I turn to her. It's a sunny afternoon and the two of us are spending time together by the sea, everywhere quiet only the sound of the waves can be heard. I'm glad to be out of the chaos up there, or at least it was before we left. Everyone is spending time by the pool and will probably be here soon, so we have to catch up on a few things that we won't have time or privacy for later.

The main topic of our afternoon gossip circle on the beach will be Sebastian. He's doing okay right now, surprisingly. We act like we're pretty cool in front of the others, but we still tease each other. We fall asleep next to each other at night and he's even bent me over a few times. We'll be here for less than a week and then I'm going back home, but only for a day, then rolling to Slovakia to see my grandma and grandpa.

"Me and Sebastian?"

"Yup." I look back out to sea. Girl, I'd like to know too, I don't know what's going on between us and I've yet to answer you. It's a hard question, but it's also an easy one. I wish I did. It's probably good, but we're still completely unable to say anything to each other. I don't want him to leave without knowing how I feel and especially how I feel about him, but I'm afraid he will leave before I do anything.

"It's complicated."

"I know that, dear."

"We slept together. Now it's a roller coaster. Fight, sex, fight, sex, fight, sex." I look up at her and the sun starts to warm my back even more. "Why do you need to know? You know it all." She shrugs and adjusts the strap on her swimsuit. She'll be beautifully tanned on one side, but not the other because she's just lying on her back. She's one hundred percent pregnant. I just know it.

"I don't know, maybe you'll feel better?" We've broached this subject a few times, and not once has it made me feel better. I just don't know what to tell him, much less how to tell him. Sometimes that moment will come and it should come as soon as possible or it will be a problem. If I'm in Slovakia, he'll be in Canada. We'll both be back at the end of July and the beginning of August, and then we've got about two weeks left when we'll be at peace, and then the book comes out and that's going to be a big problem.

After the book, it's a week away and I'm counting on him flying out about a month before the season starts to get everything done. Well, I'm going to stay here by myself, not leave the house for the rest of the break, and get ready to graduate next school year. It's terrible how time flies. We started high school a little while ago and I almost jumped out the window because Sebastian appeared in the same room. And now it's summer two years later and I love him.

"It's definitely not helping." I lean on my forearm and feel small beads of sweat form on my skin. "Fuck. I can't take it anymore."

"What? That you can't tell him?" I can tell him, but I'm scared. I'd tell him if we weren't who we are. Today it may seem like the best decision of my life, tomorrow the biggest mistake. I want it all. I'm ready to love him for who he is. No matter how hard he fights on the ice, no matter how hard he fights with his father, no matter what he does, I'm ready to love him. But only on one condition, if he loves me.

"All we do is argue all the time and then fuck or cry in each other's arms." It's so terribly complicated! I want to be with him, but at the same time, I don't know if it would work. Feelings are beating inside me like cage fighters. I love him, but... I want to strangle him so many times and then I want to kiss him.

Why me! Why can't I find some guy who will love me, not be complicated and not run away from me because of hockey. But love is complicated. Kristian ran away to Finland and Samuel also to the same place, then to Montreal, where he was drafted. All of them are or will be out of the country for hockey. I want to be loved, I want to experience love, but I just don't have anyone.