Hate Is A Strong Word

35.

Sweaty, tired and with no appetite for life, I walk to my room. The whole house is empty and quiet, and I like it that way. Yesterday I came back from Slovakia and all the joy has gone out of me because I know that sooner or later Sebastian and I will have to talk it out and I'm afraid of that. I'm not happy. How could I be happy?

I don't eat, I barely talk to my friends, I don't sleep well, I over-exercise, and on top of that I miss him. If only he knew what was going on. How I'd love to tell him, but I don't have the courage. I hate it when people see me down, and Sebastian is no exception. If Simon were here, everything would be fine. I miss him. Old people often say that siblings are the only thing you have left, and it's true. Simon would have noticed something was wrong.

It's about eight o'clock in the evening, I've just finished my long period of the day where I exercise. I'm surprised my body is still working. I survive on chewing gum and a bite of normal food every few days. With hardly any sleep and a completely fucked up psyche, I won't last long and my body will give up. As long as I keep up with my studies.

I'd like to go study math after a shower, unless something happens to me or something else. The cats have been sleeping downstairs in the living room for a long time, my parents and Juro are visiting relatives on the other side of the country, where they will be all weekend, Simon is somewhere with Andrea right now because he doesn't have a game, and Samo is sitting on a plane to Finland.

I'm the only one at home, I want to cry, I long for hugs and I'm constantly wondering what the reason for living is. Why did we have to be born? Why do we live? After all, the world would be a better place without people, I mean there are good ones, but nowadays hate is everywhere, even where it shouldn't be. I'm not sure what would have happened if I didn't have my parents, Juraj, Simon and Sebastian, because I couldn't leave them alone.

Sebastian is probably worse off than I am. Victor has heard from his teammates that his life has been revolving around four places lately. Home, school, stadium, gym. He's not what he used to be. His ego's gone, his confidence's gone, and he's completely withdrawn, even though he loves being around people and talking. He'll do his training, talk to the boys if he has to and then pack up and leave after the game. No parties or dinners with the boys. Said Victor.

He heard it all at lunch while listening to his teammates talk. They also said they were worried about him. Not just them, the whole team. They're not alone, and I'm worried about him. He's my Sebastian. Tattooed and tough Sebastian with the soul of a teddy bear. My smiling Sebastian. Now he's going to meet his end because of me. Ice, gym, ice, ice, gym and ice again. I don't think he cares about the results because it's the only way he can stop thinking about me.

I can never stop thinking about him. I'm always worried if something's happened to him, what's going on with him. And it's been like this ever since I got back. I can understand how he feels now. We may not get back together right away, but at least we could make up because I'm tired of going to bed with tears in my eyes and literally crying myself to sleep.

It's hard to say, but I have feelings for him. Despite all the promises, bans, and talk, my feelings have taken control of me. I'm aware that he started liking me a long time ago. I guess, I mean. It took me a while, but I've grown attached to him. I don't want to spend time with anyone else. I want to fall asleep next to him. I want to fly around the world with him just to be by his side. I want to be with him.

It's gonna take a while to build something like a couple between us, but we can start working on it. Baby steps. I'll rebuild my trust in him, and he'll rebuild his trust in me, because I'm not a saint, and everything isn't his fault. We have to take it slow. I know my emotions and feelings change every day. Today I feel this way, but what will it be tomorrow? What if I don't want to see him again tomorrow?