critical scars on beautiful veins // tyler joseph

three

|| song for the chapter: if i'm lucky - state champs ||

"i'm just trying to find my place in this world, and i know it's not so right to feel this way about a girl."

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i opened the door to my dorm and ushered for madelyn to come in. she looked in awe at all the band posters i hand hung up. neck deep, the story for far, the wonder years, and other bands.

"dude! i didn't know anyone else listened to these bands on this whole campus. i love your room."

"yeah, thank. i worked hard on it. my roommate is never home so it's basically all mine. anyways, the first aid kit is over there in the bathroom." i informed her. she nodded and headed to the bathroom. after a minute, she came back out with the first aid kit.

"sit down somewhere." madelyn told me. i took my seat on the small couch that was near the door.

"this is going to sting a bit...i think."
madelyn told me as she grabbed some random spray bottle out of the box and sprayed it on my lip. i hissed in pain.

"what was that?" i asked in horror.

"i have no idea, i don't know what i'm doing actually." madelyn informed me.

"you could've just sprayed me with poison." i told her. she laughed, i was proud of myself for getting her to willingly enjoy something i said.

"who keeps poison in a first aid kit?" she asked. i started laughing too.

"josh would." i replied.

"josh dun?" madelyn asked. i nodded,

"yeah. he's my roommate." i told her.

"shit. that's awkward."

"why?" i asked.

"me and him had a thing a few months ago." she quietly said. things became silent between the two of us. i could feel the jealousy stirring up inside of me. why would i care? me and madelyn aren't a thing, she can do whatever she wants with whoever she wants. why is this bothering me. this is bothering me so much. oh my god it hurts too much. i don't like this sick feeling. she can't do this. fuck, no.

i quickly got up and ran into the bathroom and started to puke in the toilet. out came all the anger and jealous rage.

"tyler, are you okay?" madelyn asked. after i emptied my insides out i walked back to where she was sitting.

"oh yeah, i am so fantastic right now. i feel so great. maybe you should leave." i told her. she looked hurt, but she would never be able to feel as hurt as me.

"is this because of me and josh? it meant nothing, why would it bother you anyways? i'm my own person." madelyn said. she was right, i didn't want it to bother me but it was eating me alive.

"what's up with you today," she continued to say, "first we bump into each other on the street. i declared that we weren't friends and that we needed to stop talking. then, i find you on the hallway floor crying. you still haven't told me why. next thing i know, you fall on your face and bust your lip open. i decide to be nice and offer to help you fix yourself up. i then tell you some things and you throw up and try to kick me out? where's the fucking logic, tyler!"

"you know where the logic is? my brain. and it's only in my brain. i could try to explain it to you, but you wouldn't get it. sorry for coming into your life and making things hectic for a few days. i'm done now." i said. i didn't want her to leave but clearly she was making me go insane and lash out.

"stop being such a drama queen. you're twenty-something, not three. this isn't toddlers and tiaras, this is the real world. we are in college. you can't just run away from your problems, trust me, they will chase you down. i would know. just explain this shit to me and maybe then we can move on with our lives. i'm not leaving without an explanation, joseph."

"well, rose, isn't it obvious that i'm just slightly jealous that you and josh had a 'thing'? maybe it's because in the past couple days i've developed a little crush on you. maybe it's because you're literally all that's been on my mind and i can't figure out why. maybe it's because I've never felt these emotions before. maybe it's because you hate my guts, maybe it's because i hate my own guts." i spilled to her. this felt like middle school. i was making a big deal out of some dumb little crush.

"sorry if my existence is such an inconvenience?" madelyn said.

"no, that's not what i meant. this is all my fault. you did nothing. sorry for bugging you." i replied. i hated this whole situation.

"tyler, please don't be mad at yourself. it's not your fault either. feelings suck ass. i don't hate you." she said. a small smile formed on my face but i quickly wiped it off, i didn't want her to know how much her words affected me.

"that's cool. i guess it would also be cool if you did hate me. everything is just so cool. you're right, feelings suck. you can't control them. you can't control it if you hate or love someone." i said. i didn't know what i was talking about, it wouldn't make sense to madelyn. it made little sense to me.

"tyler. deep breaths. in through your nose, out through your mouth."

"these breathing exercises, i will never figure them out." i blurted out. she was just tying to help me but i don't like breathing exercises and i never will.

"that's okay. maybe you should just rest up for a bit." madelyn suggested. i wasn't aware that i was having a minor anxiety attack right now. i was feeling a lot of things right now and i had no idea how to put anything into words and everything felt like mush.

"yeah, you're right." i said as i took off my sweatshirt and then started to climb into my bunk. before i could make it all the way in i heard madelyn gasp. i looked down at my chest. i had on a t-shirt and some sweatpants. my arms were bare. my freshly cut arms. i had forgotten that i had relapsed last night. i looked at madelyn, she had a few tears coming out of her eyes,

"tyler, what did you do?"