critical scars on beautiful veins // tyler joseph

eleven

|| song for the chapter: never saw it coming - tigers jaw ||

"i learned a lot about falling in love when i fell out of love, i learned a lot about being a friend when i was alone. i played with fire, i burned it all down. i made more mistakes than you can count."

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i was awokened by the sound of my alarm clock buzzing. i sat up for a second, turned it off, and then flopped back down. i didn't want to wake up today. it had been five whole days without tyler, and these five days had been some of the worst days for me. the pain of having to get up without tyler by my side was much like the pain i had felt the week my mom passed. i don't know when or why i let my attraction to tyler get this severe. i missed him. maybe i was overreacting, it's not like he's dead or anything like that. but, i had learned to rely my happiness on that boy. only immediate family was allowed to visit him, so i haven't been able to hear his angelic voice and i haven't seen his perfect face in what feels like forever. it's only been five days, nine to go.

a whole nine days.

how? how would i survive? i spent my whole life alone in solitude thinking i'd never need no one, but i think i might need tyler. i didn't think i could ever find someone to motivate me and make me happy, but i did! and he's not here, call me clingy but i can't do this. i haven't attended one class and i had to call in sick for work. i hated myself for letting it get this bad. my thoughts were all over the place. nothing was making sense anymore.

i sat back up from bed, took a few deep breaths, and stood up. my feet hit the fuzzy white carpet i kept under my bed, i had almost forgot that it existed. i carried myself into the bathroom. i prepared myself as i was about to look into the mirror, i knew it wasn't gunna be pretty.

and i was right. my hair was extremely knotted, there were bags under the bags under my eyes, i hadn't of shaved, and my breath was horrid. i suppose it could've been worse, i hadn't of been crying. my eyes weren't puffy and red, and i also didn't have makeup all over the place. in fact, i wasn't wearing any makeup.

i yawned and stretched my arms before walking into the shower. i stripped off my clothes and turned the hot water on. within a few seconds the water had completely drenched my fragile body. told myself i wasn't gunna cry over this, but at this exact moment that's all i could do. tears flooded down my already wet cheeks as i dropped to the floor of the shower. i brought my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. finally, i let everything out. it wasn't just about tyler, though. i cried about my mom, my family, my grades, my social life, college, work, stress, and how much i truly disappoint myself.

i guess i had lost track of time because i ended up in the shower for an hour. after i finished washing my body and shaving i threw on one of tyler's sweatshirts that i stolen and some sweatpants. i was thinking about going to class today, but now it's too late. it was definitely time to suck it up and get out of the house, though.

i just threw on my dark red vans and left. i let my feet carry me off to wherever. it felt kind of good to feel the fresh air against my skin, yet the sun light was just a little bit blinding. i was looking at all these buildings that i had become so used to seeing, all these streets were so familiar. most people hate the constant honking of all these cars, but it had become a sense of comfort to me. i wouldn't change anything about this stupid city that i've grown to love.

i started to feel a little groggy, so i stopped at the closest coffee place i saw and got a regular iced coffee. while i was waiting for it to be ready i thought about how me and tyler met at a coffee place. and to think, i used to hate him. now, everything reminded me of him. it's like tyler was a drug and i was addicted.

i took my coffee and got out of there as fast as i could. i loved tyler, but i couldn't spend all this time being sad whenever he crossed my mind. it wasn't good for my health. how would tyler feel if he knew he could drive me this insane? tyler. tyler tyler. everything is tyler and i hate it.

and that's when my aimless walk brought me to somewhere that made me want to puke, the park where tyler kissed me in the rain. i decided there was only one way out of this, and that was to run away from my problems. like, literally run. i started sprinting to get as far away from this park as possible. i was back at square one, i was running away from tyler again. but it was metaphoric this time. tyler wasn't actually here. i was running away from my screwed up thoughts.

i need new friends. this isn't okay. i need to stop being so dependent on other people. why am i so pathetic like this? i need to just stop everything in general at this point.

i knew that the only way to get out of this was to meet more people. someone to distract me from tyler. this makes it sound like i hate him, which i don't, his abstinence is just slowly ruining me. it's not his fault, it's mine.

i stopped running, caught my breath, turned around, and started walking to someone who i knew would be happy to see me.

after fifteen minutes i was at the destination that i wanted to be at. or so i thought this was the best place to be. i knocked on the wooden door in front of me and awkwardly waited in an empty hallway for someone to open it.

"oh hi, madelyn? i knew you would come around." they said with a smirk. i should've stopped there, but i didn't. i hated myself for it.

"hey josh. mind if i come in?"