critical scars on beautiful veins // tyler joseph

twenty øne

song for the chapter: gold medal ribbon - pierce the veil

"i swear that i can hear you in the wind, you're singing to me and you're dancing in the halls outside again, i'm always listening."

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my world was falling apart, right in front of me.

i watched madelyn's chest rise up and down for hours, just staring at her unconscious body. i brushed the back of my hand across her cheek a couple times, and every time she just felt...cold, almost like it wasn't actually madelyn that i was looking at.

and honestly, i didn't want it to be madelyn. i prayed that this was all a mistake, that josh never actually beat her up and that in front of me was just someone who looked extremely like madelyn and had the same name. i just wanted madelyn to be sitting safe and sound in her apartment, wouldn't that just be the best?

but life doesn't work like that. life is the harshest and most unfair thing that any of us living things will ever experience, and we're forced to! there's no real way out besides suicide, but suicide is frowned upon, we're all trapped in this hell hole.

i just wanted to hold madelyn again for one more time, i wanted to tell her that i was sorry about our last argument and that i love her, because god i love her so much.

madelyn made me realize what made life worth living, she helped me learn to observe the beautiful and small moments in life, she taught me what it was like to feel those butterflies in your stomach, and she taught me what it means to be strong and loyal. madelyn never left my side after all the shit i put her through, and you don't find people like that anymore.

she was one in a kind, it's almost like she was from another planet. a planet full of beauty and kindness, a peaceful place.

and if madelyn were to not wake up, i hope that planet is where she returns to, her true home.

the thought of her not waking up made my stomach clench and my vision blurry.

i looked around her hospital room, it's been ten hours since i got here, and i didn't plan on leaving madelyn's side anytime soon.

the white walls made me feel threatened, the squeakiness of madelyn's bed made me feel sore, the sound of all the buzzing rang throughout my head. i fucking hated this place, it's no good, nothing ever good can happen at a fucking hospital. it's where people spend their last moments, it's where babies are forced into the world, it's where they can't find the right medicine to treat cancer patients, it's where little kids come in on a stretcher after trying to kill themselves, and most importantly, it's where madelyn is right now in this very moment, and i'm siting a few inches away from her.

i want to be able to hold her hand, but it's too much. it's all too much.

doctors keep walking in and out and checking up on madelyn, but no one will tell me anything. no one will tell me if she'll wake up or if she'll be able to remember me.

i cried, i begged, yet all the doctors said was, "we don't know."

those words will forever leave a toxic taste in my mouth from now on.

no one came to visit madelyn, no family, no friends, no one.

josh could be in jail right now, but he also might not be. i won't know until madelyn leaves this place, which means that i could leave this place, because i won't go until i know that my baby girl is safe.

i hope josh is in jail for what he fucking did, he deserves to rot in hell. anytime anything good happens to me, i can always count on josh to fuck it up.

i never thought that he would go this far, if i had known then maybe i would've never talked to madelyn in the fist place in order to protect her.

it's my fault she's in here, i brought her into this mess, i brought her back into josh's messed up life. he tried to kill her, he tried to kill her.

what kinda things go through his head? what would motivate him to do this? jealousy? hatred? it doesn't make any sense! he's fucked up, he's crazy, he's insane, i hate him more than anything.

i'll never forgive him, but it's not like we were ever on good terms to begin with.

buzz buzz,

doctors footsteps,

madelyn's breathing,

my own sobbing,

that all i've been able to hear for the past ten hours.

the sound of madelyn's breathing was both comforting and terrifying, comforting because i know she's still with me, but terrifying because what will i do if it stops?

if it stops, that'll be it, and there will be nothing left to do.

once she's gone, she won't come back.

i can't let that happen, but it's also out of my control. everything is out of my control and i hate it! for once i want things to go my way, i'm tired of having to deal with disaster after disaster. there's only so much that one human being can bare.

i looked up at madelyn, my eyes were heavy and my heart was low.

"madelyn, oh madelyn..." i started before the tears came back for the seventh time,

"you know that i love you, right? i told you that last time we spoke, and i'm praying that we will get to speak again, but all i can do is think about every thing that could go wrong.

i'm praying that you'll wake up with your memory, but i don't believe in god, so why would he believe in me?

i can't even imagine what would be more painful, you not waking up or you losing your memory.

you'd lose all our golden memories, all the laugher we shared, and the kisses that were given, all the cuddling, and the kind words, and the love.

given, you would lose all our bad memories too, you'd lose our fights and that time i was sent to the loony bin, and you'd lose josh and your moms death and you'd lose me.

i'm no good, i'm sorry i brought you into this, i would take it back if i could.

you taught me what it was like to love again, but i don't think i ever got the chance to tell you that.

you never knew much about my past, but let me tell you that it horrifyingly terrible. my parents didn't want anything to do with me, my brother was addicted to xanax, my sister wouldn't talk to me, i hated myself and wanted to be dead.

but you, you gave my life purpose again. i didn't want to be dead after i met you, because i love yo-"

"excuse me but, who are you?"

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that's a wrap, this is the end.

thank you guys so much, this story became something that i learned to be proud of due to your support. all the comments, all the reading lists, and all the likes.

this won't be the last you hear of me,

stay strong, live on, and pass on these stories |-/

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hello it's me again i just wanted to let you guys know i started a new josh fic it's called shameless ::))