Accidental Love

Shame...

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Becky shot upright, heart thumping. Snapping on the bedside light, she turned to see Tom sitting, drenched in sweat, eyes wide as he cried out.

Again.

He'd had nothing for the last month. It had started a night or two after he got back. Originally, just mumbling and thrashing in bed, it had escalated to full-blown night terrors.

She waited for him to turn around to look at her. She'd learned early on in his therapy not to touch him till he grounded. The first time she'd tried to reach out to him and hold him, he'd pushed her away in his delirium so forcefully, she been thrown out of the bed.

He'd had absolutely no memory of it until the black eye she nursed the next morning made him ask. He'd cried, great heaving sobs, apologised, and swore he would lock himself away in another room till he could get it under control. She had refused point blank to agree.

"Tom, you can't help it. I'm not abandoning you to hell. We will work it out." Becky had comforted him, wrapping her arms around him, kissing away his tears.

"But darling, I HURT you. Look at your poor face, my beautiful Pingu. I hurt... m-my...p-pingu" he sobbed.

"No, you didn't," she said softly, stroking his hair as his head nestled in her lap. He lay curled into a foetal position on the bed, arms hugging himself. "They did this. Not you. Never you, my darling."

"I'll get help," he said quietly. "Tomorrow morning, I'll get help."

"I know, darling. I know. " she stroked hus back, and he fell asleep, for once sound and peaceful.

Billy had helped. The only time he looked truly at peace, other than in her arms, was when he played with his son. They had bonded instantly despite their initial separation. Father and son, two parts of the same person, it seemed. If Billy cried, all Tom had to do was walk in and say his name.

If Tom cried, all Billy had to do was gurgle and smile and Tom lit up. It seemed perfect. Too perfect.

"Tom?" Becky put down her cup and looked across. Tom was busy spooning breakfast cereal into himself and porridge into Billy. He looked up.

"Mmmm?"

"Are you, are you ok?"

"Why?"

"Tom, dont do that. Avoid the question by asking another. I can see right through you, you do know that?" She half smiled.

"Sorry, love. I am. Why do you ask?" He put down the spoon and slipped Billy out of his chair and onto his knee. He sat him back and cuddled him as was his routine now. Like toast and jam, Billy and Tommy were inseparable at breakfast time.

For a second, she paused. Take it at face value? No. She knew better. She sighed.

"Because you never tell me. You never talk to me about how you feel anymore. " she fiddled with her cup, suddenly feeling shy and awkward in her own home.

"You've talked to Luke. You've talked to your Mum, hell you talk to Simon all the time. But not me?" She tried not to sound accusing. She tried to sound reasonable.

"Simon is my shrink love, of course I'm going to speak to him. Christ knows we pay him enough!" He tried to smile, but she didn't return it. He dropped his gaze.

"I love you, Tom, more than I ever have. More than I'll ever be able to put into words, but I feel..." she hesitated, looking for the right words. "I feel shut out and punished. I know it was tough, like nothing I will EVER experience. I know I have to be patient with you, and God knows Im trying." Now she felt herself begin to tear up. "I feel I've let you down. You can't - won't - speak to me, share with me. You still haven't told me what happened. Not really." She stopped and swallowed."I just want to help."

Tom nodded silently and stood up. Carrying Billy over to where his carry seat for the car sat at the kitchen door. Becky watched as he put Billy into it , fastening the straps snuggly. He lifted it and walked from the kitchen into the hall and set him down. Then, he walked back and took her hands. Without a word, he pulled her up to stand.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly. "Come on," was all he said, and walked off, pulling her by the hand.

Half an hour later, Billy was spending the day with his Granny. Becky sat in the car as Tom took him into the house. Diana and Tom reappeared within a couple of minutes. He said something, and they turned to look at her. Diana smiled and waved, and she waved back. Tom kissed his mum and left.

He got into the car, started the ignition, and drove off. They still hadn't exchanged a single word. She watched as he drove them out of the city and towards the coast. The radio played some generic pop tunes, but it could have been anything.

Eventually, she could hold on no longer. "Tom?" She whispered as they drove onwards, his jaw set solid in a scowl. "Speak to me?"

He glanced over, and she could see now the scowl wasn't one of anger. It was one of immense sorrow. Tears coursed down his cheeks, silent and damning.

"Soon." Was all he said.

After a further hour of agony, they pulled into a little carpark on the coast. It was a picturesque little carpark that overlooked a windswept but pretty beach. There was a small takeaway stall selling hot and cold drinks and snacks. There were a couple of picnic tables and there was a view of the sea. What there wasn't was people. Other than them, not a soul to be seen.

Tom switched off the engine and sat back. He turned to Becky and, without any preamble, pulled her to him and kissed her. For a second, she was stunned. After the extended silence, this was NOT what she'd been expecting.

Releasing her, he opened his door. "Shall we walk?" He said softly, his eyes black, his heart racing. Becky nodded and got out. He walked around the car to her and held out his hand.

"I think it's time I told you." Was all he said, and she took a breath, nodding.

"Ok."

They walked down a little path and onto the beach. The sun shone, the sky was blue, and there was a light breeze. It was, if you stopped to look, a perfect day. They did. It was.

"Darling," he turned to face her, gently tucking the hair blown by the wind behind her ear. "Darling, I am sorry. Truly I am. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know Tom, none of this , of anything was your doing. It still doesn't mean I'm not hurting." She responded quietly.

"I know. I've just been so ashamed. So very ashamed. " he looked at his feet, then started to walk on. "Walk with me love, let me try to explain."

As they walked along the sand hand in hand, the casual observer would simply have seen a loving couple taking a walk. What they wouldn't - couldn't - know was that they were seeing something far more profound.

Something that would alter and cement that couple's relationship forever.