Accidental Love

Ghosts....

She looked out the window at the evening as it fell. The shadows lengthened behind the trees in the park, and the deep red of the sunset seemed to set them alight. This was still her favourite time of day. It reminded her of Tom, of him coming home, of... her heart skipped a beat as she heard the door open.

She turned, it wasn't Tom. It would probably never be Tom.

Despite her constant optimism, nothing had changed, and he had never come home. That was all she had these days, optimism and hope. It had been a long year. Luke had stayed her constant salvation, helping her navigate her grief. Grief that had never fully acknowledged her loss.

Even his mum had begun to accept what seemed to be the inevitable. She too, had remained a close companion. And little wonder, she had family to look after, did she not? A grandson that had never known his father. William - Billy - was now almost six months old. The image of his father, all curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Part of her revelled in how much he looked like Tom. Part of her felt the pain every single time she looked at him.

"Hi Becky," Luke came and stood beside her ruffling Billy's hair as he nestled contentedly in his mother's arms. "How you doing?"

"Oh, fine, you know. The usual," she smiled at him, and they both ignored the habitual lie. "Cuppa?" she popped the now dozy little boy into the little bouncy chair where Luke - his ever doting Godfather - could keep an eye.

"Yes, yes, please." he sat and rubbed his eyes wearily. "I'm thinking of taking a holiday - do you and Billy want to come? A cottage, in Wales probably, just for a week?" he called through, resting his head on the back of the sofa. "Be nice just to relax for a bit. It's been a long....time," he trailed off as she walked back through, mugs in hand.

"It's been 11 months 15 days and..." she looked at the clock "about five hours."

Luke smiled at her sadly as he took the coffee from her. "I knew you'd know," he sipped the strong brew. "Do you think we'll ever find out what happened?" they'd asked this over and over, neither wanting to admit that they probably wouldn't. By keeping the question going, it wasn't answered. It wasn't over.

"I don't know Luke, I really don't." she no longer cried all the time, only when she thought about him, which was pretty much all the time. Wiping a tear from her cheek, she smiled, "Wales sounds lovely. When?"

"Next month? I know someone who knows someone. I thought it would be less hassle for you and Billy." he put down his cup and put a hand on her arm. "I think a lot about you and him, " he said softly.

"Oh Luke, I know you do." She looked at him a soft smile on her face, she knew he loved her but she couldn't return it. He'd made it more plain as the months after Billy's arrival had gone on. Although she loved him as a friend, and knew it was probably killing him, that was all it would ever be. She'd never hidden it, but he wouldn't give up on her. She also knew that. "You've been amazing since the day and hour this all started. And since Billy arrived, I couldn't have asked for a better friend." she laid a hand on his and squeezed it gently. "Amazing...friend."

Luke knew she was telling him, subtly, kindly, not for the first time, that it was all he would ever be. A friend. He was sad but not jealous. He would never be jealous, not of Tom. Just of the way she would always feel about Tom, it seemed.

He harboured no bitterness to her, he was just sad. Sad she would never again know what it was like to be really held and loved and made love to. And he wanted to do that, so very much. Over the months he had fallen in love with her, with her strength, with her kind heart, with her beauty. But, as her friend, as Tom's friend, he would respect her wishes. Stay with her as much or as little as she - and little Billy - needed, but that was it. As long as she needed him to.

"Ok," was all he said with a small smile, chastely kissing her cheek. Things would never be awkward between them, they just understood. "Dinner? Got any plans?" he stood up and lifted the sleeping child out of the chair gently. Becky shook her head. Food had become less important than ever with her diminished appetite. She'd eaten to stay well for Billy, and she'd eaten to make sure she could function without Tom, but enjoy it? Not any more.

"Do I ever? Just whatever's in the fridge, I guess." she shrugged.

"Well, it's on me. Chinese, Indian, whatever you fancy!" he smiled. "I'll put him to bed - you look out the menus. I'll order when I come back down."

She nodded and finished her coffee. "You're on." Luke disappeared upstairs and she raked about in the kitchen drawer - the one everyone has, full of dead batteries, old pens, receipts, half eaten packets of sweets and the bits and pieces everyone keeps "just in case." Finally finding the menu of choice, she pulled it out of the drawer, together with some other little pieces of paper. One fell onto the floor, and she bent to retrieve it. As she stood up, she realised it was a note. A note she'd searched for in frantic tears so many months ago. The last note from Tom.

"Just off to the airport love, sorry I missed you. See you tonight on facetime, you can tell me all your news then. Sorry I dozed off, think you wanted to tell me something? Love you always, see you soon xxx"

It was the day he left. It was the day her world had collapsed. With a feral sob, she collapsed, too. Onto the kitchen floor, clutching the note like a drowning man clutches at a straw. Luke heard her as he was coming back downstairs.

Rushing into the kitchen, he saw her, almost hysterical now, against the unit, the scrap of paper in her hand. The final straw. "Oh Becks, shhhhh." he sat on the floor and hugged her tightly. "shhhh, it's ok, Becks, let it out." he rocked her back and forth as she let out all the angst and the fear and the sadness she'd tried so hard to ignore.

"He's dead Luke....he's dead... I can't do this....he's really dead...." she kept repeating. Luke cried too, for her, for his friend and for their situation. Neither able or willing to move on, terrified to forget.

"Oh Becks, he'll always be with us," he whispered softly, stroking her hair, "He'll always be watching."

The door hit the wall as someone pushed it open, and a voice from the hallway said,

"You're bloody right he will - what the Sam Hill are you doing crying on my kitchen floor with my little Pingu?"

As they looked up, Becky let out a cry of shock and passed out.