Mr. Mayhem and the Prolific Dreamers

The Fear of Happiness Featuring Veezy Vibetime

Hey Siri!

Play Scared of Happy by Fifth Harmony

I've been telling myself for the longest that I deserve more grace

Shouting at the highest volume how I was coming for everything I wanted

Till I was blue in the face.

But I'm currently in this conflicting headspace

I've been in this bed tossing and turning since 9

Trying to unwind

Finding a way to convey what's on my mind.

Nothing but static and the things I wanna say stuck in stutters.

Truly it's been a while since I was lost for words.

Feeling the heat and the burn.

As these wounds from disappointment I've worn are healing

A feeling, that I have fantasized about forever

Giving God His flowers in the form of gratitude 

Like it was growing on every corner I pass like GO 

As I'm walking towards my purpose.

Right in the midst of the very element that I once yearned for.

This song plays for the 10th time on repeat as I travel further into the center of my mental.

I'm approaching the uncertainty I face

On the daily with grace being gentle.

Tonight is gonna be a long night.

And an interesting fight

Wait

Because I'm not even close to being the fighter that I trying to claim, 

So let me refrain,

From the unnecessary combat.

They say to never bring knives to a gunfight

Usually I'm a straight shooter 

But I'm short on ammo right now so I'm unprepared

Smart choice since I'm not here to bring violence to the battle 

Between my confidence and my conscience

I guess God's got a funny way of calling me out on my fear of happiness.

I'm ashamed to say that I knew what to do with it until I got it.

Tell me

Could you imagine being scared of something wonderful that you know you deserve?

What if it's these cries to my God finally being heard?

I'm know I'm afraid of nothing.

And I'm afraid no one.

And look at me,

Being scared of happy.

This is crazy because I'm usually fearless.

But would you believe me if I said that I was cautious?

Unknowingly giving side eyes to the sources of this happiness.

Always talking my shit

Like "Who even sent you?"

Instead of saying thank you

The audacity of me ruling out the fact that I deserve something real so rapidly.

It's tragic

Gaslighting myself into thinking it's okay to be timid