Past and Present

Family and Friends

This marked something significant in Carl and my relationship. This was the first time that we broke up and I honestly meant what I said.
I was done with all the drama. All the heartbreak that came with being with Carl Grimes.
I walked away with my head held high even though my head was begging me to look behind and see what was going on on Carl's face. Eventually, my head won and I slowly peeked at the boy that I had left behind.
His smile had faded and his hair was blowing in his face. The look of sorrow obvious on his face.
I turned away quickly and continued to walk away. I entered the house and continued up the stairs starting to feel slightly better about myself. I always wanted to be strong enough. To never let anyone know how much I cared. When I met Carl, I forgot all about that and gave love a shot. Now I knew that love is over exagerrated and only should be kept for those who knew that they were in love and didn't have second thought. Someone that trusted their partner and didn't pick tiny fights.
I walked into the room that I had left. The one that Carl and I had shared.
I made sure that everything that was mine was out of the room and walked into the living room. My mother walked in and saw me.
"What's the matter?"
I gave her a small smile,"I think that I'm finally happy ."
My mother gave me a confused look. She must have been thinking about how I had previously tired to hit the spot right next to his head not more than an hour ago with a knife.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"I think that the fates didn't want me and Carl together and now that we're not, things are finally starting to go my way."
My mom looked at me with a look of confusion,"You and Carl aren't together anymore?"
I shook my head and she sighed,"Didn't you love him?"
I nodded,"I still do, but things weren't working out and I couldn't do it anymore. It doesn't matter. I'm good. I'm all good. Things are going to go my way now. I can do it without carl. He can do it without me."
I brought my hands up to my eyes and wiped away the tears that had started their journey down my face.
I still loved Carl, but I was done with the back and forth bull crap.

Days had passed and I was getting utterly sick of my family trying to get me and Carl back together.
It was breakfast and Lori and Rick thought that the best way to stick to our humane/normal life would be to eat meals together. The only thing was that they all planned it so that everyone was at the table before we were so that we got the two seats closest to each other.
I always refused to sit next to him because I wasn't the most stable of people right now. For some reason, I always felt too much of every single feeling at the same time. Nervous. Sad. Angry. Happy. Longing. Loving. Depressed.
The only way I ever got to relieve myself of all the emotions was by slitting my wrists. Whenever I wasn't being paired with Carl to go on runs, I was sitting in the bathroom that connected with Key's room and relieving myself of pain. I wanted to be free of it all.
"So, Carl. How was the run today with Jocelyn?" Daryl asked.
Carl held his fork loosely, slowly pushing his food around the plate. He shrugged.
"Joce?"
"You know what?" I asked,"Why do you guys keep doing this? Do you guys not see that its hard for us. We were together for one whole year saying 'I love you' and kissing. Its over, okay? We don't want to have to feel even worse about it now that you guys dont understand it's over "
I picked my plate off of the table and walked all the way up to the room that I shared with Key, not even bothering to ask if I could be excused.
Soon after plopping on the bed, I heard the door open. It was Carl.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
I nodded.
The room filled with a silent awkwardness as Carl stood with his hands in his jean pockets and I put small bites of food in my mouth.
"Do you want to sit down?" I asked as I pat a spot on my bed.
He nodded and sat down.
The silence filled the air again.
"Listen," he started,"I know you hate me and that we broke up, but I think we can still be civil and actually talk."
I stopped what I was doing and looked at him,"I don't hate you Carl. I hate what you did, but I could never hate you."
He gave a sheepish smile.
"When I broke up with you," I saod ," I intended never to speak to you again, but I don't want to do that."
I lifted my sleeve and showed him the thin lines across my wrist that the days of silence has caused.
"I've been doing this ever since we stopped talking, but you're one of my best friends and I can't lose that. I need you in my life, Even if its not as my boyfriend."
He leaned forward and pulled me into a hug.
"Same. I love you. I always will."