Past and Present

Friends and Forgiveness

Carl looked at me and then down the floor.

"Shit," was all he said.

"Did we use a-" he asked after a few minutes.

I shook my head, "I don't know."

Carl shook his head and said,"Are you-"

"I don't know."

"Fuck."

We sat in silence for a long while and then he said, "Don't tell anyone."

I nodded and he got up and walked away.

I buried my head in my hands and started to cry.

Carl used to be so happy about us being together and I went and ruined it by cutting. He would have been happy that we had been together last night if none of that had ever happened.

I got out of the bed and started to search for the clothes that were obviously somewhere on the floor, abandoned.

I went to the bathroom and took a quick shower before going to the kitchen for coffee to get rid of my pounding headache.

When I went down there, Lori, Rick, and Key were sitting, eating breakfast.

"Morning sleepy head," Lori said with a huge smile across her face.

I ignored her and moved to the coffee pot.

"Still tired?" Rick asked.

I poured my coffee and turned to walk back up the stairs.

I went into my room and pulled out my book. I started to read it and sip on the hot beverage when the door opened and Key walked in.

"Alright, what's the matter with you?" she asked as she sat at the foot of the bed.

"What do you mean?" I asked as I lowered my head.

I knew that Key could read me like an open book. I needed to avoid her eyes because she would sense that I wanted to cry so badly.

"I know something is wrong because you totally blew off Rick and Lori in the kitchen."

I bit my lip.

"What did you do?" she asked and then took my hand, "You know you can tell me anything right?"

I nodded and she smiled.

"I-" I started, "I-"

She just sat there, waiting for me to pull my shit together.

"Carl and I had sex," I said as the tears came running down my face,"We had sex and then he told me not to say anything because we're not sure if we used protection and I'm not sure if I'm pregnant and I don't know what I'm going to do because Carl hates me and I cant be a mother when he doesn't want me to be and I don't know if I'll even be a good mother who-"

"Calm down," Key said as she put her hand on my arm, "Breathe."

I took in a gulp of air and let it out.

"Feel better?" she asked.

"Not really." I said.

"Listen. Carl is just frustrated right now. He doesn't hate you. He said it himself. He loved you. And I'm positive that he still does."

She smiled at me and then I smiled back.

I wanted her to be right. It just sucked that I wasn't sure.

"It just really hurt that when Carl woke up this morning next to me, he looked upset."

She shrugged, "Don't believe it. He loves you and you know that."

"Maybe, but I doubt it. I'm getting over it though."

She nodded and stood up, "I promised Lori that I would help her cook since Beth ... passed away."

I nodded and gave her a huge hug, "Thanks Key."

She shrugged, "That's what best friends are for."

She exited the room and I turned back to my book before another person came into my room.

"You think I hate you?"

I sighed, "Well, you don't seem so happy to ever be near me, so yeah, I think that you hate me."

Carl sat down on the bed where Key had just left empty.

"I don't hate you," he said.

"Okay," I said staring at the words in my book, but not bothering to actually read it.

"I could never hate you Joce. I was just mad at you because you tried to hurt yourself. Again."

"Okay," I said.

He sighed, "Can you look at me?"

"No," I said.

"Why not?"

I bit my lip to hold back my tears, "I can't look you because then I'm going to give up trying to get over you and then I'm going to fall in your arms like some stupid fairytale."

He took my chin in his hand and lifted it so my eyes met his blue ones which were gentle.

"What's wrong with fairytales?"

I gave a weak laugh, "The girl always falls for the prince, but the prince loves her and that's not the way life is."

He leaned over my and I could see all of his feelings in his eyes.

He did love me.

"Joce, I don't know how many times I told you this. We are forever and always. Past and present. Future. No matter how many stupid things I do or you do or we do together. I love you."

I thought of my dream last night, "Is this real?"

"I'm here."

I sat up and burst into tears. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead, "I'm here. I'm here."

Okay, I really like this because it's like a flashback to the first book. ~Miki