Past and Present

Gone and Over

I walked back to the house with tears in my eyes.
It's been four years since we left the house and even though we had promised, we never came back to let them know if we were okay.
And now, it was time because... Well, one of us didn't make it.
I climbed up the steps to the house and brushed my hair out of my face.
I knocked, praying that they were all still in this house.
I mean, it had been four years. They could have moved on by now.
I knocked once more.
I heard a shuffle come from inside and hoped it wasn't a walker.
I had had enough of them. They had killed my one, true love and forced me to end their life forever.
The doorknob twisted and I knew that it was a person.
The door opened.
"Carl!"
Maggie jumped into my arms and I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her.
The rest of the family came behind her and I watched as their faces lit up.
Maggie backed up and looked at me.
"Oh my God. You're back."
She pulled me into another hug and I felt the tears starting to fall even harder.
Maggie moved aside and my mother pulled me close.
I hugged her back and took in the scent that I had grown up with.
"Oh my gosh, Carl is it really you, or am I dreaming?"
"You're not dreaming," I said, dull and lifeless.
She looked at me and then behind me.
"Where's Joce?"
I felt the tears come faster and ten they were spilling down my cheeks.
"The... the walkers got her," I said.
My mom pulled me into another hug and everyone told me that they were sorry.
I knew that they meant well, but it just made me feel worse.
It was my fault that Jocelyn was dead. It was my fault that she had walked into the swamp and I hadn't killed the Walker.
It was Dale all over again.
"How are we going to explain all of this to her mother?" My father said.
I shrugged.
My mom bit her lip and then I heard a small and high pitched,"Carl!"
I turned around and saw a little girl with the same shade of hair as me and my mother and then the eyes of my father.
"Judy?"
I looked at my mom and she nodded.
I knelt down and she ran into my arms.
"Mommy told me I had a big brother, Carl."
I smiled and pulled her into a hug while my tears soaked into her clothes.
"Judy!" Another small voice called.
This time it was a small boy.
Jacob.
He pointed a chunky finger at me and said,"Carl. Where is Joce?"
I almost broke down as I realized that he lost someone at such a young age. He never got to meet the girl that had saved him so many years ago.
He never met the girl that had become his mother when his mother had "died".
Ms. Matthews walked in and as soon as she saw me, pulled me into a hug.
She held me back and looked at me,"Carl, you got so big."
I gave her a quick glance and stared.
She had the same eyes as Jocelyn.
The same eyes that I fell in love with.
I couldn't look anymore.
I pulled back and looked at the floor.
"Where's Joce?"
My mom took her by the arm and led her into the next room.
I excused myself and then walked to the room that we had shared.
I waked onto the balcony and sat there, remembering her for hours.
How we had fought so many times, how we had come together over a small crush, how she broke down whenever she remembered the people we lost.
Suddenly, the door opened and I heard a sniffle.
"Carl?"
"On the balcony."
Jocelyn's mom walked onto the balcony and sat beside me.
"I want you to know that it's not your fault. She had her own spirit. Once she had her mind set on something, you couldn't change it. Don't blame yourself."
"I miss her," I said.
She pulled me closer to her,"I do too and I always will, but she wouldn't want you to feel bad."
I turned to her and said,"But I always will."

I never did forget about Jocelyn Matthews.
I never did feel any less guilty about what had happened to her.
Everyday, Jacob would get bigger and he would look more and more like her.
I stayed with my family after that.
I stayed because I realized that life was too short and I might not ever see them again if I went back.
Today, we are still fighting walkers and we are still struggling everyday to survive, but the thing that gets me through it was the promise that I had made Jocelyn Matthews.
Forever and always. Past and present.