Past and Present

Future and Reasoning

I clutched the knife tighter in my hand and backed up closer to the door.

"Joce, the world will still be the same if you do this."

I swallowed and tried to hold back my tears as I spoke,"Nobody would care if I did. I'm just a pawn in this stupid game and I'm done with it. I don't want to lose. I don't want to win. I just want to be done."

I pressed the blade down on my wrist and whimpered as I watched the blood bead and start to flow down my arm.

"No!" I heard on the other side of the door,"Your mother would care if you killed yourself. Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, Beth, Key, Allie, Denise. My mom, dad, Rick, Judy, Jacob, they would all care. Me? I would be devastated. Jocelyn, I love you. If you killed yourself or died in any way, I would have to go with you. I once promised that I wouldn't give up if you were gone and I kept it. But now, I don't think I can do it again."

I was completely focused on the pool of blood that was taking form in the dip of my arm, when I heard a whisper.

"Please don't leave me."

I think that's what snapped me out of it.

I didn't want to leave him. I couldn't. We had already gone through so much together. Going now would just make all of that a waste of time.

The tears in my eyes were coming out in big rushes now. Now I was looking at my arm differently.

"What the hell was I thinking?" I mouthed.

I didn't know what to do.

Standing, I turned towards the door. I looked at my blood that was drying on the floor and let out an involuntary whimper.

Another bang on the door,"Joce!"

I turned toward the door and turned the lock. As soon as the lock clicked, it was opened and what I saw was a crying Carl.

He looked at me while I looked at my slit wrist.  Carl stared at me and I looked down in shame and my tears fell on the wound and burned.

He pulled me into a hug and squeezed tightly.

"I thought that you were going to leave," he whispered in my ear.

I unclasped my hands and wrapped them around him, accidently getting blood on his shirt, but not caring,

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I was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom and Carl was kneeling down in front of me with a first aid kit.

He had told me that I hadn't gone deep enough to need stitches and I was glad because I honestly just wanted to forget what had happened. How I was too weak to even realize that this isn't what I wanted.

After Carl put the gauze around the cut, he took my hand and pressed his lips against it.

I slid down the seat and Carl backed up so that we could both sit on the floor.

After a huge silence, I asked,"Why aren't you asking questions?"

His lips turned slightly up in the corners,"Because I know you. I know that if you stopped, you honestly feel guilty and won't do it again."

I nodded and even though I didn't think it was possible, I knew that I loved him even more. He understood me even when I didn't understand me. He was right. After seeing that my blood was on the ground because of something that I did, I knew that I wanted to keep going. I would continue to survive this world for him.

The voice in my head was wrong. Carl was right. My family would miss me if I died. There would always be at least one person who would miss me after I had gone. Nobody in any world could die without hurting someone that loved them.

After a long time of sitting in the bathroom with Carl, he stood and held out his hand for me to take and get up with him. I took his hand and we walked back into the room to lay on the bed and sleep.

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I woke up many hours later and Carl was staring at me.

"Why are you staring at me?"

He smiled,"I'm just glad that you're still here."

I looked down at my wrist and it was still covered in gauze. I guess I wasn't dreaming.

Carl and I moved to the edges of the bed and swung our feet over the side. I looked down at the shoes that I had worn all night and even closer at the knives that were still there.

Looking away on disgust, I turned to Carl. He led me to the bathroom where he changed the wrapping on the wound.

After that, we went downstairs for breakfast. Everyone else was already down there.

Lucky me, the first thing that my mother said to me was,"What's happened to your arm?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but Carl interrupted,"She was teaching me how to throw knives and let's just say that I'm not the best."

Surprisingly, my mother took that explanation without question.

I looked over to my boyfriend and mouthed a thank you.

He nodded and took the food that his mother was holding out for him.

She handed me one too and I took it without hesitation. I was starving.