Writing with a Purpose: Summer Edition

9. 6/5/15

1 AM and all I can think about is my life, and all those that are composed within it. Bob Marley's "Is this Love?" is currently playing. Sometimes I wonder where exactly am I going in life. Believe me, I've been planning how I wanted my life ever since I could remember. I'm always that one person that just seems to have everything planned out, already knows what I want to do as a career, and just seems so ready but some days I ponder whether I am. Sometimes I honestly wonder where I'm going to end up. Inside I just feel like I'm destined for greater things. I'm destined for riches and success. I just feel it in my heart, I feel like I was put on this earth to accomplish all that I can and I KNOW I can do it, ya know? I guess I'm just very impatient. I can't wait til I'm able to venture out on my own and really make something of myself. Sometimes I wonder who will be beside me along my journey and all those I shall meet. I wonder who will I lay beside in bed. I even get scared sometimes because I can't control what my best friends choose to do and I hope to never loose contact with them once we begin our very different lives. People loose contact as they get older and I don't want that. I love them and I'm afraid to loose them. I wonder if I will live a lonely life or if I will have a family which only scares me more cause I'm terrified of becoming pregnant. It's crazy how a life can just begin to grow within you and once it's out of you, you have to do everything in your power to make sure they come out alright and live a good life and are safe. You loose who you are and completely change for something you created. I have a lot of fears for the future and hey, I'm only human. It's completely normal to fear the unknown. I just want to be all that I know I can become. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be happy with my life, with myself, with who I am surrounded by.

Another thing I fear is Marriage. Wow, it scares the shit out of me. I honestly don't know how I would take it if a man proposed to me. That's spending the rest of your life with someone! Honestly, I feel like I can do that just cause once I love you, I'm not the type to get tired of you, but what I mainly fear is my husband falling out of love with me. I'm also scared because you know how sex "gets old" once your married. I would never want someone to get tired or dread having sex because it's "no fun." Oh my, I would cry so much if my husband told me sex was boring and he no longer felt it. It would honestly hurt my feelings.
Marriage is just a big commitment and when I was younger, every little girl wants a "handsome prince" to marry her and live happily ever after but I've literally seen failed marriages. Shit, my parents have been together since they were 13 and 14, now in there late 30's and it's coming to an end ya know. I thought marriages were "Till death do us part," but I don't believe it's like that. I just want someone to never stop loving me. That must suck.

Once again, I'm scared to be a mom. What if something happens and it messes my kid up? What if I loose my temper too much? What if I don't give them enough attention and they feel hurt for the rest of their life? What if they don't like me or think I'm pretty? If I become a mom, I want to be a good one. I want to be honest, and funny, and bake things with them, and take goofy pictures with them whenever we go to new places, and I want them to have nice things.

I just don't want to mess up.
I'm already pretty messed up within myself.
I don't want to mess up in any other area of my life.