Writing with a Purpose: Summer Edition

21. 7/8/2015

I came home about an hour ago, maybe. 

I went to the neighbor's house around 10 something I think, can't really remember at this point. I stood there for around 2 hours, basically working and talking about little parts of our lives. She taught me about how credit works.

Anyway, I've been feeling like shit lately. Just about myself, which I don't think I do often (think badly of myself). I normally admire myself, but now not so much. It's mainly because when I went to the doctors last Saturday, the nurse so kindly informed me that I had a increase in weight. From then on, I've pretty much felt terrible. Last night was my breaking point. We went to Target and while my mother searched for some pants to buy herself, I innocently turned my head to the mirror beside me. When I looked at myself, I saw something I could believe. I looked so round and my face looks fat, and my stomach looked so wide. Not only did I personally believe my body looked terrible, my hair looked so bad, which only made things worse. If you really know me, then you'd know that my hair is very important to me. My looks in general are important (maybe not so much during the school year, because fuck everyone at school.), so to see myself looking that horrid, was heartbreaking and shocking. 

Don't get me wrong, I want to lose weight so bad. It's so hard though. I honestly have no will power when it comes to food.I just want to eat everything that I love to eat. I love snacking on junk food like Arizona Sweet Teas and Jalapeno Cheetos.  I get hungry quicker than I think anyone should. When food is delicious, I just want it. For example, my favorite food is Cheeseburgers. Big, fat, greasy, messy cheeseburgers. They bring me such joy. Loosing weight has just always been a challenge to me because I'm lazy as fuck and I can start off really motivated, but then after two weeks tops, I lose my way and steer off track. I feel like it would be way better if I had someone pushing me forward and making me work harder. Sure, I have my boyfriend trying to text me positive things, and push me forward to my goals because he knows I really want this, but it isn't the same. Maybe, if he was here, yelling at me "5 more push-ups!" or "Keep running babe, don't quit!" That would help. Having someone physically there, making me keep going although I want to just quit and stop, just makes me feel more accomplished. Seriously, it's going to be hard pushing myself to do it on my own. 

My mom made me try some salad today. It had bacon, and blue cheese, strawberries, chicken, and even honey roasted peanuts. Oh my gosh, it was so good. If all salads tasted that good, It would be easy to eat salads and maybe change up my diet that way. I hate vegetables, they suck. You have to do so much work just to make them taste good, when I can just make a terribly unhealthy sandwich within a couple of minutes. It's just so hard and Brenon tells me that complaining or crying, which I did last night by the way, about the weight isn't going to make it go away. Hard work will. It's easier said than done, man. I'm just going to have to work extra hard, set some goals, and remain consistent. 

Anyway, something great did happen yesterday! Well long story short, a few years ago I had started reading a book at the library called "Murder on the Menu" and I couldn't finish it because I had to return it. Weeks later when I returned to the library in search of the book, the librarian informed me that they had moved the book to some random library. I never got to read it for years now. Yesterday for some reason, the idea of the book popped into my head and I decided to research it online and see how much it went for. I ended finding the whole series for really cheap. Turns out the book I was reading ended up being Part Two of the series, so I purchased the first book and each time I finish one book, I'll buy the next one. I'm so excited, I remember the book being really good. Plus, I've been wanting to get back into reading and it gives me something to do instead of rotting my brain with nonsense TV shows all day. 

Well this entry is beginning to feel like such a drag. It's 2:13 AM and there isn't much to talk about. MY brain feels pretty empty at this point.