Tormented Rescue (Ninjago Fanfiction)

Part 20

Lloyd flicked off the TV but kept the remote in his hands, fiddling with it.

Kai kept silent, looking at the floor. The more they lay there in the tension, the more painful lying on his stomach came to be.

He slowly sat up straight on the edge of the bed, rocking himself in thought.

"Why?" Lloyd whispered. Kai turned and looked down at him, Lloyd was still leaning on his elbows. Lloyd looked up, meeting Kai's eyes. "Why did you go alone?"

Kai kept the gaze between them. The tears in Lloyd's eyes made his own eyes sting.

Kai blinked away the pain and looked at his hands, playing with his fingers.

"I... I didn't..." He tried to find the words but his mind had gone blank. Lloyd got up and put away the remote, then came back and sat down next to Kai.

Kai glanced at him but found that he felt too ashamed now that he was thinking about it to look at Lloyd. He hugged himself and looked at the floor.

"I didn't want anyone to know what I was put through..." Kai said in a small voice. Lloyd considered that but he felt himself only grow more frustrated.

"But-- But why did you have to go alone?" Lloyd asked again, wanting a better answer.

"Because-- Because otherwise, Nya would've come with me...! And she would've heard about all of it..." Kai defended himself. He looked at Lloyd and saw his frustration. Lloyd shook his head.

"No-- NO!!" Lloyd shouted, holding his head in his hands. Kai flinched and held his breath.

Lloyd stood up and paced around, breathing heavily.

"No, why-- why did you go alone, AND NOT TELL US!?" He confronted Kai, his voice was loud but shaky, his emotions were all over the place. Kai caught his breath and fell back slightly. The reaction made Lloyd come to his senses and he took a step back out of panic. "Sorry-- I-- I didn't mean to..." Lloyd attempted to fix his mistake, but Kai seemed to be too lost in his mind to even care much about it.

Kai looked away, the tears in his eyes growing.

"I know." He finally spoke, quietly. "It was a really stupid decision." He whispered, his voice breaking. Lloyd caught his breath. Kai lay down on the bed, his hands on his chest. "Just like on the mission before I got taken. Just like all the other times I didn't listen to you guys. Just like every other time I've acted on impulse..." Kai said bitterly. He hated himself for his stupidity, and he hated himself even more for struggling to admit it.

A tear escaped Kai's eye and he quickly wiped it away. Lloyd could see how much Kai had struggled to say that, and he couldn't help but feel a little proud of him, even if he were still upset.

Lloyd released his breath and quietly lay down on the bed next to Kai. He placed his hand on top of Kai's, making him glance at him.

Lloyd gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand. Kai felt more tears build in his eyes. They both looked away.

"Just... please, try to be more aware of when you act on impulse... today it wasn't as bad as it could've been, but... on the mission... the argument after... and this, it could've ended badly..." Lloyd trailed off, feeling his throat grow tight just from all of his fear. Kai stared at the ceiling.

He wanted to be able to control himself better, more than anything, but... it just seemed impossible. In the moment it always felt like such a good idea, why would anything go wrong? How could it go wrong? But things always went wrong, one way or another...

"Kai... I got so scared..." Lloyd broke their silence with his broken voice, he was on the verge of crying his eyes out. Kai quickly came away from his thoughts and turned to Lloyd, who stared back with teary eyes. "I got-- so scared, that I'd let you get taken again..." He whispered, closing his eyes and shaking his head. Kai was taken aback.

"What?" Kai asked, drawing his breath. Lloyd sniffled.

"You-- You disappeared around the corner and-- and I would've followed you-- I was about to follow you! But the others stopped me, they said that they thought you needed some time alone-- and-- and--" Lloyd covered his face, taking deep, shaky breaths in an attempt to not start bawling. "And today... you disappeared from your room and-- I was the last one to see you and so I-- I just feel like... I could've stopped all of this stress..." Lloyd strained, desperately wiping his eyes, trying to stop his tears.

Kai looked at him with concerned shock. He hadn't known Lloyd felt like that. 

"I feel so guilty, Kai..." Lloyd breathed, hugging himself. "So, so, guilty... if-- if it weren't for me... you wouldn't have had to go through so much... so much torture..." Lloyd held his breath trying to stop his sobs, but he couldn't hold them any longer.

Lloyd broke out into uncontrollable sobbing, he quickly sat up to hold his head to hide his face in shame.

Kai hesitated, in disbelief that Lloyd really blamed himself for what he had gone through. He sat up and inspected Lloyd until his emotions rushed to his heart.

He hugged Lloyd tightly, burying his face in Lloyd's shoulder. Lloyd's sob caught in his throat and he hesitantly hugged back.

"No no no... It's-- No, it's-- it's not your fault..." Kai struggled. "I-- I can't... I don't... I don't even know what to say, Lloyd... I didn't imagine that... you'd blame yourself..." He whispered.

Lloyd hiccoughed and rested his head on Kai's shoulder. More tears came the more he thought. Lloyd squeezed Kai harder and pressed his face into his shoulder.

"It should've been me..." Lloyd's voice was muffled and quiet, but Kai heard it loud and clear.

Panic rose in his throat, he felt his breathing shorten, and tears quickly blurred his vision.

He pulled away from Lloyd's grip and held his hands on Lloyd's shoulders. Kai stared at him with such concern and panic that Lloyd felt ashamed for revealing that thought as soon as his eyes met Kai's.

Kai didn't even say anything. His head spun with emotion and all he could see were images of himself in the warehouse... but replaced with Lloyd.

His heart started to ache more than his chest could handle and he slowly looked down until he leaned onto Lloyd and pushed him onto the bed. Lloyd gulped down his crying and let Kai push him down.

Kai kept his face buried in Lloyd's chest while shaking his head. Lloyd dejectedly looked to the side.

"No..." Was the only thing Kai could say as he held Lloyd tighter.