Playgirl - Tokio Hotel - Tom Kaulitz

6 ~ ебать!

i've sat on the balcony for at least two hours now, 'don't jump' replaying in my headphones that are in my ears as my notepad is sitting on my lap. i light another cigarette, this being maybe my forth one since i've come out here.

i've written what could be five different songs, four crumpled up and on the floor around the chair as my eyes scan over the fifth one still in my notepad, unable to decide if i like the draft or not. i pause the song in my headphone as i mumble-sing the lyrics i have written

mom, i'm tired

can i sleep in your house tonight?

mom, is it alright

if i stay for a year or two

mom, i'll be quiet

it would be just to sleep at night

and i'll leave once i've figured out

how to pay for my own life too

mom, would you wash my back

this once

and then we can forget

and i'll leave what i'm chasing

for the other girls

to pursue

...

mom, am i still young?

can i dream for a few months more?

i sigh slightly frustrated, but close my notepad and leaving the lyrics there since they were the best i could think of for now. i stand up, putting my cigarette out on the railing before flicking it over the edge and grabbing my stuff as i walk back inside. they were the kind of songs i would never sing or preform anyways, they just helped me get out my feelings.

i lay on my back on the bed, staring at the ceiling aimlessly as i think over the conversation? fight? i had with the twins earlier. i feel bad, but bill being mad at me just made me upset. why would you be mad at me? how does that help anything? i sigh softly before standing up, leaving my room and i find myself infront of toms door.

i hesitantly knock and hear some shuffling on the other side before the door opens and tom freezes at the sight of me. "uh- hi" i say nervously, messing with the sleeves of my jacket "hey" he says softly, opening the door wider and gesturing me inside.

i sit on the edge of his bed and he sits next to me. it's awkward silence before i go to speak "i'm sorry-" we say at the same time. we look at each other and start laughing, the atmosphere isn't so awkward now. "i'm sorry Envy, about everything. i'm sorry about earlier and i'm sorry you went through that alone" i nod my head once, smiling softly "it's okay. i know you guys just want to be there for me now that you can, and i just, i'm used to being alone." i say quietly, and he scoots closer to me, grabbing my hands in his.

"you're not alone. not anymore. we're here for you." i nod as i look into his eyes. it feels like somethings different. not because of them knowing, or the argument, but right now between me and tom somethings different. his eyes glance at my lips and i get butterflies in my stomach.

oh.

so that's what's different. i cant do that, this, especially not now. i stand up, dropping his hands from mine and he looks up at me from where he's sitting with an unreadable expression. "i- uhm- i should.. go. i'm gonna talk to bill" i manage to muster out, and he gives me a small smile and a nod "ok" he says simply.