Don't hurt me.

Chapter 11

Finn told mum what had happened and she flipped acting like she didn't know I had a problem. Now I'm on suicide watch at the mental health clinic. No phone, no computer, no shoe laces, nothing. They've taken everything I could possibly hurt myself with. Not that I want to.

They're making me speak with a therapist. I hate the idea of that. Basically it's paying someone to listen and care about all your problems. They can't fix mine. They can't bring my dad back, they can't erase the scars, they can't stop the abuse, and most of all they can't make Carter love me again. It's hopeless.

Hopeless.

I'm hopeless.

"Mr. Collins why did you try to kill yourself?" My therapist asks.

"Because I simply don't want to be alive. Can you go away now?" I snap not wanting to have this discussion.

"Come on Destin you know I can't. Now, tell why you no longer want to live." He says smooth and calmly. Why's he so calm? Oh right he doesn't give a fuck about me.

"I want to die because everyone is constantly letting me down. My dads gone, Tom's gone, my mum can't look at me, my stepdad beats me, and Carter came back only to crush my heart some more. Everyone tells me to stay strong. Look at what I've done trying to be 'strong'." I say pulling my sleeves up. "I'm a mess. No one fucking cares either so stop pretending. I don't want pity. I want my suicide attempts to stop failing. This is the third fucking time. Third times the charm right?" I finish coldly feeling the tears brim my eyes. He just sits there scribbling away at his paper no doubt writing down everything I just said.

"That's enough for today. You need to get your temper under control." He says and the nurses come in and sedate me probably because I look like I'm about to wring my therapist neck.

I wake up from my sedation. Only to have the nurse come back in and give me medication. I refused to take it so she left. She returns.

"Destin you have a visitor." She says.

"Tell them to fuck off." I say rudely not wanting to deal with whoever it was.

"I can't do that. I'll tell them they may enter now. If you try and hurt them you will be sedated." She says with boredom dripping from her voice.

My mum walks in crying. I know I should feel upset seeing my mum cry but I don't. She let this happen to me. She knew how bad it was. She let her husband abuse me for god sakes!

"Destin honey, why have you done this?" She says crying.

"Don't act like you don't know. You watched as I did this to myself. You sat in the sidelines and allowed your husband to abuse me physically and verbally. You did this. Don't come to me crying knowing good and well this is just as much your fault as it is mine, mother." I say showing no emotion.

This is what she deserves she ignored me and pretended I was fine. I hate her for that. I do still love her though, she is my mother even if she hasn't been much of a parent the last few years. What I said was out of line and uncalled for but I won't apologise.

"Destin, I'm sorry ok. I love the man. He keeps our family running and he pays the bills. I can't just divorce him over this." She says. I then realise she'll never care about what he's done because she needs him.

"So this is it then? You're just going to let him abuse me because you love him? I guess he would come before your child that has caused so much trouble. Maybe Finn shouldn't have saved me right? You wish I were gone. I ruin everything." I say laughing. I understand now. She knows its true. It'd be better if I were dead.

"Des no. That's not what I meant" she begins shakily "I love you very much but you've caused so much pain....I...I don't know what to say" she finishes leaving. I begin to laugh. My own mother has turned on me. Everyone lets me down. I'm not important.

After my mum left the nurse came back in and tried to force me to take the pills.

"I'm not taking pills to make me 'happy' it's not real happiness. It wouldn't be my true feelings. This is bullshit!" I yell.

"Destin you need to take them. They will make you feel better." She says handing my the cup of pills.

"No!" I scream as I throw the pills across the room. "Go ahead and sedate me bitch. I don't fucking care. I will not take those goddamn pills!" I scream at her. She does sedate me.

I wake up from sedation and my therapist is there. Well fuck.

"Destin why won't you take your pills?" He asks.

"I'm not taking something to fake happiness because I'm not happy. It's bullshit." I say. These pills are pissing me the fuck off.

"If you take them you get to go home." He says.

"Not likely. I've made it pretty clear that when I get out of this shithole I'll be sure to die." I say coldly.

"Destin" he says slowly " these pills, they'll stop those thoughts. You'll be happy." He finishes calmly.

"It wouldn't be real. It'd be chemically generated happiness. I'd rather have real sadness than fake happiness." I say. I'm not taking those fucking pills!

"Destin, it's the only way you'll get release." He says.

"I'm not taking those fucking pills! I'm not going to comply! This is all so pointless. It's a waste if my time, it's a waste of your time so give it a rest. I don't want help. I want to die goddammit!" I scream.

I already know they're going to sedate me for this but I take the stupid cup of pills and throw it at my therapists face.

Within seconds the nurses are holding me down and sticking a needle in me. Then everything goes black.