Don't hurt me.

Chapter 20

So the next morning we looked for flats. All out of budget and all unrealistic. After all day of looking we lost hope, had a smoke, and went home. Once home we had to convince mum to let me come inside. It kinda hurt how easy she can erase me from her family, hell from her life. Shitty parents, shitty life, nothing new.

Once in my room i realize how it isn't even my room at all. Its the old me the happy me. Old photographs, trophies, CD's, and books. I remember the distinct moments the photographs were taken, on a family trip, me smiling wildly with my dad, him smiling and holding me. But was he really happy? Was he depressed even then? i pluck the picture from the wall, shoving my hand into my pocket feeling the cool metal of my lighter. I retrieve it flicking it as i see the flame dance from the lighter. I bring it to the picture to the flame and watch as it dances across burning the memory tainted by questions never to be answered. i drop the charred used-to-be photo in the trash bin wipping a few stray tears i didnt know had leaked and decide i can't be here. I'm stuck in this house questioning a dead man. That certainly isn't good for my mental health. Hahaha mental health. Has my mind ever been healthy? I mean sure I was happy once, or so I thought. Everything seems so meaningless now. Like here I am grieving over my pathetic existence but honestly my existence is irrelevant. In the big scheme of things me being sad or dying literally would not affect anything other than a few people around me. All the small parts of the universe, it could do without one. The world won't end if I die. The world didn't end when my father died.

How did everything go so horribly wrong? and why to me? Why must you punish me fate? I want to change. I want to get better. I want to stop hurting and drinking. Maybe even stop smoking. I don't want to sleep around anymore. I'm going to change starting today.

I go in my drawer and pull out the box, my hands shaking at what I'm about to do. I take the box into the bathroom with me and open it. I reluctantly pour the contents of the box into the toilet and shakily flush it. All my blades. Gone. My arms and legs start to itch. Craving the pain of a blade. I haven't tortured myself enough yet. I go into my backpack and pull out my 4 bottled of vodka I purchased the other day. I open each and pour them down the drain. I'm getting clean. I run into my room and quickly rummage through my drawer and pull out a small bag of weed. I don't want to part with it but I've got to. I toss it in the toilet and flush it. I watch it swirl and my hand twitches with urge to reach in a grab before its gone but it's too late. I sigh in defeat. That was a lot all at once. I grab my pack of cigs and walk towards Finn's room.

Once I reach it I push the door open and toss the pack to him.

"Why are you giving me your cigs?" he asked seemingly confused.

"I guess you could say I'm, uh straight edge now." I nervously gulp out as I scratch the back of my neck.

"WHAT??!?!? why the sudden anti-fun Des?" Finn yells rather surprised. His face shows disappointment and shock.

"We you see...I kinda uh...." I start nervously trying to explain. What am I explaining anyway? Why did I do all this? "So I decided that I don't want to do anymore harm to my body. I feel this will positively affect my mental health and I'd like for you to fucking support me because I never want to fall back into drugs and alcohol.....or mutilation..." I trail off.

With that Finn jumps up with a huge grin on his face and envelops me in a hug. "I'm so proud of you Dessy. Of course I'm going to support you, man. Mad respect bro, mad respect. I'm certainly not strong enough to break these vices but I know you can!" he says pulling away. I've never been more happy to have my brother. He's literally all I've got.

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I really don't think anyone reads this and I don't blame you. I look back at this and I'm embarrassed its so bad. Haha. I have little to no character development. If you actually by chance read this shoot me a comment if you want me to continue I suppose.

-Hallie