What Life Holds

20

Arizona sat next to her wife carefully while she ate, grateful their friends had taken the kids so they didn't have to worry about them. As she said there Meredith started to stir, Arizona was happy Meredith was awake but also sad knowing Meredith needed the rest. Arizona gently rubbed Meredith's hand as she woke up, ensuring her that she was still there. As Meredith started to wake up and become aware her face immediately changed.
"Meri are you ok?" Arizona asked concerned due to the change in her wife's expression. Meredith just looked at Arizona tears in her eyes, "Mer what happen it's ok your ok" Arizona cooed confused by why Meredith was upset.
"I...I...um" Meredith stuttered tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "Maybe...I...I think you where right" Meredith mumbled trying her best to hold back the tears that where now winning and rolling down her cheeks.
"What do you mean I was right Meri, I didn't..." Arizona tried to understand but then stopped as she realised what Meredith had meant. "My love?" Arizona cooed gently holding her Meredith face in her hand, Meredith just looked up at her tears now streaming down her face and nodded. "My love, it's ok, shsh it's ok don't cry, it's ok, I'll let Miranda know you have agreed to a catheter." Arizona cooed gently wiping the tears from Meredith eyes, but Meredith turned her head away. "Hey, hey, I love you Meri no matter what ok, and I am so incredibly proud of you ok" Arizona cooed moving her hand to hold Meredith sighing as she felt the crescent moon dents Meredith had made in her own palms. "Come on my love let's get you cleaned up before Mandy returns ok?" Arizona asked, wanting to help Meredith feel a little less embarrassed.
"I can't have a shower Zona, I can't get my port wet" Meredith sighed turning back to Arizona, trying to pull her hands away but losing as she was too weak to overpower Arizona who was holding them to ensure not more crescent moons would cut through Meredith's already thin skin.
"That's ok we can stop your treatment for a minute cover your port then you can restart in, there are sun benefits of being married to a doctor" Arizona smirked smiling at Meredith.
"No, then the treatment will take longer and I'll have to have that feeling again the burning feeling as it enters for the first time." Meredith protested, she wasn't trying to be difficult it was just all so exhausting and unfair.
"Ok that's fine..." Arizona replied trying to think of another solution, she knew a bed bath was an option but she knew Meredith would hate the idea of anyone else seeing her like this, but maybe if Arizona did it Meredith might be ok with it. "Mer how about I get one of the nurses to bring in a bed bath kit then I can help you?" Arizona asked hoping Meredith would say yes as she wasn't sure what other options she had.
"Ok" Meredith sighed, she hated how useless she felt, she hated that Arizona had to do everything for her.
Arizona quickly left the room to get the required materials and returned quickly smiling at Meredith as she returned setting up. First she knew she would have to change the sheets underneath Meredith so she helped Meredith into the chair she had been sitting on the quickly changed the sheets before turning to Meredith. Arizona had to hold back tears she she helped wipe Meredith's leg and helped her get clean, it broke her heart to see her wife this weak, but Arizona knew that she had to be strong as she knew how much Meredith would be hating this. And she was right Meredith hated how incompetent she felt, she hated how much she was relying on Arizona to do stuff for her, she hated everything about this. The only reason she was still fighting was for Arizona and there kids, if it wasn't for Arizona and their four beautiful babies she would've have fought. Meredith thought back to right after Derek had died, she thought about how lost she felt, how much she missed her husband. Then she remembered finding out she was pregnant with Ellis she hated that Ellis would never meet her father. If it wasn't for Ellis and Zola and Bailey, she probably wouldn't have survived after Derek's death, but now she is so glad she did cause if she hadn't she wouldn't have fallen in love with Arizona and she may never have gotten to family she had today.
"There you go my love all clean" Arizona cooed as she finished helping Meredith, before helping her back into her bed and quickly wiping down the seat she had been sitting in.
"Thank you Zona" Meredith replied quietly.
"Mer what wrong?" Arizona asked, knowing something was bothering her wife.
"How can you love me?" Meredith mumbled her back facing Arizona
"Sorry what was that my love?" Arizona asked confused
"How can you still love me I mean look at me I'm hideous and incompetent and I can't even f*cking go to the toilet or eat I don't have hair or even bloody eyebrows. How can you love someone like that? I'm nothing but a burden to you, You call me 'my love' but I don't understand how you could love me" Meredith cried turning to face Arizona, tears streaming down her face and her eyes red.
"Mer.." Arizona sighed, she hated how defeated her wife looked, she hated Meredith saw herself, she hated that this is what life had thrown at Meredith after everything Meredith had been through now this.
"Mer... honey, my love, look at me. You are not hideous, I love you with all of my heart, ok maybe not all of it some of it is reserved for our beautiful babies, but I love you and the kids so much, and it doesn't matter how much hair you have or if you have eye browns or if you need my help to go to the toilet or eat I love you. I love how kind you are, I love how hard you work, I love how much you fight for everything, I love how much strength you have, I love how you have been through so much but it's only made you stronger and kinder. I love the babies you have given me. I love everything about you, my love regardless of whatever is going on. I married you in sickness and in health and this is the sickness part ok? You are not hideous. You are not incompetent. And most of all you are not a Burden my love you are my wife." Arizona cooed holding Meredith face in her hands and kissing Meredith forehead. "Ok?" She prompted.
"Ok" Meredith replied,
"No I want you to say it say your not hideous that your not incompetent and your not a burden" Arizona explained looking into Meredith eyes,
"I am not hideous, I am not incompetent and I am not a burden" Meredith replied smiling at Arizona as she said it. It was going to take some time but she was working on it.
"Good job Meri," Arizona smiled, gently sitting on the bed next to Meredith.
"Mer have I told you about the day I knew I was going to marry you?" Arizona asked smiling as Meredith cuddled into her side.
"No.." Meredith replied not exactly sure but wanting to here the story anyway.
"Well...

Authors Note
Really hope you enjoyed this chapter a nice longer one. Please leave comment and suggestion I also try to respond and take everything on board. Story time next chapter, what do you think made Arizona know Meredith was the one she wanted to marry.

Sorry for the delays in posting as I said last chapter I've been on holidays and don't get a lot of down time however I'm going back to Scotland in two days so I should be able to update regular when I'm there before I leave again for my next holiday.