3 AM Heartbreak

Goodbye.

I don't know if you can consider this a goodbye or not. But this isn't what you want in a goodbye, but it's the goodbye you get.

Right now everywhere I go, I'm constantly reminded of you. Your favorite band will come on the setereo, a lisence plate from the state you live in... I have this friend who was in the Miss California pageant, and guess who fucking crowned the new Miss California, yes that's right the equivalence of Miss California from your state. It seems as though the universe wants me to hurt and believe me, I'm hurting.

When we got together, the timing never felt so right. And the timing of when you decided we shouldn't love each other anymore couldn't have been worse. Everything started falling apart again, especially in my own family. I kept thinking that I had someone, I had someone who made me happy and that it'd be okay. But then suddenly, I had no one. I had nothing but hope I forced upon myself. Things just seem to keep getting worse, but I guess that's just how my life was meant to be. Or maybe I'm just unlucky, I don't know but frankly it doesn't matter one bit to you.

You want me to say goodbye and I can't keep you waiting because that's all I've ever done. Know that I can't say goodbye, you were the first to treat me properly, you never hurt me physically or mentally. I healed with you, I did so many first things with you, and dear god I thought I knew what love was but clearly I didn't until you said it. I don't know how you can throw it away and stop loving me because I can't. I know this is easy for you, and I feel so insane for crying over you. I feel inane for crying over loneliness and the loss of home. Talking to you felt like home, familiar and safe. But the entire time, I guess you were hurting. You didn't want to wait, you didn't like how much time I consumed. I promise I won't do that anymore because it's what you want. You said I could text you only if I really needed to talk to someone, I don't think I'll do that because right now I constantly need to talk to someone to get my mind off of my life falling apart again. This time I won't be talking to you about it, I don't think I'll be telling anyone but the walls of my room as I cry and the pen and paper I use to scribble down illegible words.

My mind is going back to meridians of greater times, sometimes they make me happy and other times they make me cry for hours. I feel infinite at times and other times like I've just fucked everything up. I don't believe in apologies from other people, because I feel as though their intentions were sincere. You're not sorry for breaking up with me, you don't regret it. You want your life back and it's what you're getting. This is going to be the hardest thing that I'll ever go through because these words either mean something to you, or they don't mean anything at all.

I can't say goodbye to you because I'm not ready to be alone and try to trust other people again only to lose them again because of me and who I am. But you can say goodbye to me and I'll stay silent. Maybe I'll say something if I'm in too much despair but I don't expect you to care that much about me. I don't expect anything from you anymore because at some point I had your love. So I'll stay silent, and you won't think of me. That's fine, it's what you want. I'm giving you everything you need to get your life back. So I guess this isn't really a goodbye, but an agreement. You say goodbye and I'll stay quiet for your benefits. Say whatever you need to say after you've read this, I encourage you. Yell at me, tell me you hate me, whatever. Say what you want before you say goodbye and I go quiet, you deserve to. Don't be discouraged by my sadness, throw what you want me. I'll be quiet, but promise me one thing, take care of those last pieces of my heart. They're your's to keep since I have no use of them.