3 AM Heartbreak

Waiting.

It's a god damn beautiful day & the world is changing. But I can't help but wonder...

Today is so beautiful, the weather is perfect out here. Love is finally free & it's so god damn beautiful that I'm actually smiling. But part of me is held back, I wonder if you feel tied down at all. If you still have a little bit of love for me, or if you even care. I wonder if you're doing anything exciting in your life, if anything is new, or even if you've met a girl and you think that she's absolutely perfect in every possible way... maybe I was the one tying you down.

Freedom is beautifully scary, but it's so thrilling. With you I felt free, I felt this overwhelming freedom that everything was perfect and beautiful. I saw the world in color, and it was so vivid. Did you ever see that? Did your world go from black and white to color like mine did? I hope your world is still like that, because the colors are starting to fade in mine.

I remember when I could look at the sun and think about how the same one is shining wherever you are. It amazed me to think that someone out there had this love for me and they had never even met me in person. It was insanely thrilling to me. I just couldn't wait until the day we both could be under that same sun in the same place. We could look into each others' eyes and smile and laugh. That's what I held onto whenever I had a bad day, it's what I thought about whenever I felt like things couldn't get any worse.

Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw this house. It was white, with a big backyard that was filled with flowers, and the walls were light blue and a pale yellow. I loved it, especially since books were everywhere. I always saw this little girl playing in the living room, she had light brown hair, pale skin like you, but she had deep brown eyes that I recognized from somewhere. She was so beautiful, she seemed so sweet and innocent. All I wanted to do was protect her from the world and read to her like she asked me to... I can't see that house anymore, I'm starting to forget what it looks like when it's filled with life. I'm starting to forget the sound of that little girl's gentle voice. When I close my eyes, I see an empty old weathered down house. There's weeds in the back and front yard, it smells like death inside, and the house is just falling apart. I'm just sitting in it now, closing my eyes and trying to remember what that house was like when it was filled with books and that little girl's giggles.

I think I still love you, I can't tell anymore; I'm certain that my feelings about you have changed drastically. But all I know is that I'm waiting, I'm waiting for you to come back and I don't know when or if you ever will come back to me and talk or even if you just want to say that you miss me. I'm waiting and I always will be waiting. But don't think that I'm ignoring everyone that walks by, no I'm not doing that. I will socialize with those people, I'll get to know them and they'll get to know me. Who knows, maybe someone will finally stay with me. But I won't move, I know I can't move because I'm waiting on my best friend. Call me obsessed, call me crazy, call me whatever the hell you want. I just want to make sure that you're okay. Because if you're okay, then I'm okay. And if one day you think that letting me go was a mistake, I'll let you back in on my life. I'll forget everything and we can start over. And if you think that kicking me out of your life was the best decision, then so be it. I'll stay out, but I'll still be waiting for life to get better. I'll be waiting for a signal of when it's okay to leave. I'll wait for my freedom.