3 AM Heartbreak

Please Don't Taint Us.

I had a dream that you moved on, and I'm not going to lie- I hated it. You did everything that we use and even talked about the things we used to...

I don't like the idea of you moving on, I never have. I don't like the idea of your lips pressed against someone else's, I don't like the thought of you telling her that you love her. But I have no say in what you do, I have no power whatsoever. I have to accept this.

We used to say "I love you" and only "I love you". Between us, there was no "I love you too" because neither of us liked that. Neither of us loved each other in addition, we both had this love for each other that we couldn't deny. We used to say it over and over and over until we fell asleep. I loved that, I loved that so much. It made me feel warm inside and each night that we did it, I slept soundly and when I woke up, I couldn't wait to tell you "I love you." I loved it so much... I hope you don't do that with her, please don't only say "I love you" to her. I hope you don't take that special thing between us and give it to some other girl. Because if I move on, I wouldn't ever do that to you, to us. I wouldn't only say "I love you" because it wouldn't feel right, I'd have to say "I love you too" because if I look him in the eyes and say it- I'll see you.

The phone calls that lasted into the small hours of morning, oh my how I loved them. I loved what we did during them too. I loved how we'd tell stories to each other, we'd make them up off the top of our heads. I'll never forget the story of Melissa the Meerkat and how a bird had spared her life. I'll never forget the conversations of what we'd do for our honeymoon if we were to ever get married. It looks like now we won't ever be going to the Grand Canyon together. I know you'll talk about these things with her, but please. Don't take her to the Grand Canyon for your honeymoon, and please don't tell her the story of Melissa the Meerkat. Please don't touch those things, don't taint them please.

Remember how you use to say that you were going to duct tape my books to the ceiling? Just so you could have more time holding me and telling me that you love me. And if I were to try and get them, you'd put the ladder in the garage so spiders would build their webs on it and I'd be too scared to get it. I'm sure that I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed, especially since you're a light sleeper and have this constant need to hold me while you sleep... If she's a reader, please don't duct tape her books to the wall. I don't think she'll find it as funny as I do. I know you'll hold her close at night, I know that for sure. I have to accept that it won't be me that you want to do those things with anymore. Please respect that it difficult for me, but I'm trying my best to keep my mouth closed.

Wise men say that only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you. Please don't dance with anyone to that song, please don't make it the first dance between you and your wife at your wedding. Because that's the song we wanted to be ours. We wanted that song to be our first dance, and as we're dancing you were going to whisper the lyrics in my ear. I can barely listen to that song anymore, but please don't spoil it and make it even more painful to hear.

I forgot to mention something about the late night phone calls, you never hung up and neither did I. We'd fall asleep after talking for 6 or so hour, the call would drop because we fell asleep. It made me feel like you stayed, like you wanted to stay and never leave. But I guess I was wrong since you left me. You'll probably fall asleep talking to her, but it won't be on the phone. It shouldn't be on the phone because she should be there for you unlike I was.

I hope you and her never have to do long distance like we did. Because I know how much you didn't like the distance, and I know how much of a strain it put on you. I'll admit, I'm jealous of the fact that her lips will know what it's like to be pressed against yours. I'm jealous that she'll know how you sound at 2 AM when you've randomly woken from a dream. I envy the fact that she'll know what it's like to be in your arms as you tell her that you love her. I'm sorry that I couldn't make the distance go away, and I'm sorry that I seem bitter all the time because it's the distance that got in between us. I can keep these promises, and all I ask is that you do too. I don't want to taint what we had any further. Please just let the love we had sit on a shelf and collect dust. And maybe every once in a while you'll look at it and remember the small things, or maybe you won't remember anything but the name of the 16 year old girl you fell for who lived 1500 miles away. Maybe you'll throw it away, but I know for me it's still in my hands and the love is still in my body. One day I might be able to put it on the shelf, but until then I'll look at it and smile at the small things. I can keep these promises... I promise that I won't taint us.

I wonder if you're going to do all the things that we planned on doing togetger, but with her. If you do, then know that you've tainted that love that once existed. It'll be contaminated, and since that love is in my body- my entire being will be tainted with your actions. I'll be tainted with hurt because clearly, I really wasn't worth it. I was never worth the distance, and I guess that means that you never loved me but I know that I love you. Don't taint the love I had for us, please.