3 AM Heartbreak

Selfish.

I've got a lot on my mind, but school is ending soon and maybe I'll have some relief then.

I feel as though you couldn't care any less about losing me, and I'm almost certain that's right. You don't care that I'm gone, you could care less about my life and how it's simply ruined again. My mother kicked me out again, and now all I have left are my tears and the park that I sit and cry in.

My mind is racing, I wonder about the girl you're going to fall in love with. I wonder how different she'll be from me, how much prettier she'll be, and how much more outgoing she'll be. I feel jealous of her already, she's lucky to have such a kind person. I hate that I still see you as gentle and sweet, especially since you ended things with me over text.

I keep telling myself that you never cared or love me, but that doesn't change the love that I still hold for you. It doesn't change the heaviness that I feel in my heart. I can't stand this loneliness and frustration. It's frustrating because I'll never know if it was because of the distance we had between us or if it's because you stopped loving me.

I find myself constantly checking my phone and hoping to get a text message from you. But I get nothing. I find it useless now; I don't do anything with it besides use it as an alarm, but I'm not even sleeping anymore. I stay awake all night, filled with anxiety and sadness because I can't get over how the one good thing in my life left me.

I hate that you're okay and I'm not. I'm starting to hate myself all over again because I can't concentrate anymore and I look around to find no one there. I guess I drove everyone away again, I have no distraction from my mother telling me how awful I am and that I'm the worst person she's ever met, I have no one to sit with during lunch at school, and I have no escape from this loneliness.

You told me to accept more people into my life, but I've already accepted so many and look where it got me. I don't want to lose someone all over again. After all, relationships- romantic, familial, friendship- don't last forever, most end.

I'm finding myself alone all day, I sit by myself in the hall and don't eat even though I should because I know I won't eat anything that day. I sit there and read or write while listening to music. I read these love stories in hopes of convincing myself that forever does exists, I listen to songs about escaping sadness, anxiety, and reality with drugs, sex, and alcohol. I've now realized that they're reckless because they're heart broken and depressed.

I may not be okay, but I guess that's okay. I still wish you'd apologize for ending it in the most god damn bull shit way ever. I wish you hadn't ignored me for two weeks because I worried about you so much but you couldn't have cared less about how I was doing. I may seem selfish right now, but you knew that I didn't have a lot of people left in my life, but you still left me even though you knew it'd hurt. And I'm tired of never being able to be selfish because I want the people that I have in my life to stay. I'll always be selfish for wanting you to stay, but I'll be quietly selfish over it. I'll let you live your life with other people and I'll stay out of it for good. I won't call you or text you when I feel like I can't handle life alone anymore. I'll just rely on myself because I know that the moment you say goodbye again, you won't care or stay. You'll be gone again and I'll be reminded of what I lost.

So I guess I'll be selfishly quiet and let you be as loud and carefree as you want.