What I wanted for a goodbye wasn't actually a goodbye at all. What I really wanted was a "I've made a mistake and I don't want to leave you." Of course I didn't get that. Instead all I got was a careless "I still care what happens to you" and a "If you really need to talk you can still text me." And oh how I was a fool for believing those words.
Where were you when I texted you a few weeks later because someone decided to use you as a weapon against me? Where were you when that person called me a suicidal whore? Where the fuck were you when they told me to cut myself so deep that all of the blood would leave my body? I can tell you were I was, at 3 AM I sat at the bottom of a swimming pool, and I waited for an answer to come to me. I never got one, but I came back up for air anyways. And to think, that the person who told me to kill myself also tried to get me to cheat on you. But of course I was too blinded by your god damned charm to even give him the chance of catching my attention. Sorry that I cared about you too much while you were too busy making the decision over how I wasn't worth your fucking time. Sorry that I was still loyal to you when I had no fucking clue that you had already ditched me.
Where were you when I completely crumbled down? When another person decided to tell me their truth about why you broke up with me. This reasoning was great, so fucking great. It made so much sense, how could I be so blind to not see the truth?! Obviously they were right about how I'm a psychotic bitch, right? But the best thing is that you left me not just because I'm psycho- or that you pitied me- no, you left because I'm a nightmare. Oh yes, I'm a fucking nightmare and I live in a world of pain because that's all I attract and I'm destined to live in it forever. That must be exactly it! I'm a living, breathing, walking nightmare.
I don't want a goodbye, I don't want an I still care, I don't want a I made a mistake, I don't want an I love you either. I once wanted you to tell me that you fucking hated me, that you couldn't stand me, or even tell me that you cheated on me. Because then falling out of love with you would've been so much easier and I wouldn't have wasted an entire summer crying over you. But in a way I should thank you for that, I fell to the fucking floor after being shot with arrows. I can still remember seeing them sticking out of my chest, and I still remember the pain I felt when I cried. How every breath hurt so much, how crying made the pain worse. But I got up, I pulled myself up with no help from others. I pulled each arrow out of my chest and I nursed my wounds. I made myself a make-shift paper heart as well. It's nothing special, but one day it'll be blown away by the wind and someone else will chase after it and once they have it- they'll read every word written on it. And maybe, just maybe they'll stay like you didn't.
All I really want now, is peace with myself. While the idea of having someone else is nice, I think I just need more time for myself. I want to find happiness in myself and who I am. I'm starting to make more friends, I'm going out so much more often, and I'm so ready for school to start again so I can get into a routine and keep myself busy and start to know what it's like to finally to be a normal person rather than a shut in.
Don't take this entire thing the wrong way, yes you still have a part of me and you'll always have it. I still love you, just not in the way I used. But that doesn't mean I regret you. If anything, you taught me a lot when you were still a part of my life and you still taught me a lot when I had to let go of you. It all came as such a shock, but I guess I'm stronger than I assume I am. I needed those lessons so I could continue my life and not make stupid mistakes.
I am not a nightmare. I am not a whore. I am not psychotic. I am not a bitch. I am not a desperate long distance bitch. I am a human being with real emotions. And yes I fell in love with a boy I had never met, I fell head over heels in love with him. And when he left I was a wreck. There is nothing about what happened in that relationship that I regret. At some point I did want to tell him to eat a bag of dicks because he hurt me so god damn much. But I know now what I didn't know then- all I really want is happiness. But I wasn't looking in the right places. While he did make me happy, and yeah the thought of my memories with him still makes me smile, I have to find happiness within myself first. Then that way, I can promise someone my entire self even if it does end up in failure. I just have to be willing to trust myself.
YOU ARE READING
3 AM Heartbreak
PoetryFor those who have kept me awake at 3 AM because my heart hurts.