3 AM Heartbreak

December.

I can't post this on the 16th of December like I wanted to but I'm getting my wisdom teeth out so 2 days early is okay I guess. I'm sure you don't even know what meaning December 16th once had for us.

It's been a year.

I tried so hard, I tried so hard to let you go and somehow I couldn't. I felt pathetic everytime I "accidentally" texted you and every time I did intentionally text you. I felt heartbreak with everything I wrote, but you were all right. You were just fine while I was barely making it on my own. You didn't give a fuck, you didn't give a single fuck because it's what you do best. You stop caring once you find no use in it, ignoring things is what you're best at. I used to hate that, I still hate that, but now I could give less than a fuck about you.

I went through these phases of where I felt like I was so hopelessly in love with you. I went through phases where I was in love with you but I wouldn't say anything about it, I'd just sit there and force myself to not cry as much as I wanted to. I went through phases where I absolutely hated you and I couldn't stand how you broke your promise of never letting me go. I hated you, and I always figured that it was better to intensely hate you than to be so in love with you.

Don't you find it funny? How a year's time can change us? Last December we were so close, and now it really does feel like we're 1500 miles apart. You used to be the one I'd text until 3 AM, now I'm usually asleep by then. We used to call each other every Saturday night, now majority of my Saturday nights are spent at home.

I don't really know what to do with all this spare time now. Most of it is spent by myself in my room, but eventually I run out of things to do. So I just lay there in bed and stare at the ceiling. I guess that's when I started getting quiet. I had nothing to say anymore, nothing to talk about with anyone and when I did, no one would talk to me. But my mind seemed to stay as loud as can be.

It's been a year. I'm suddenly remembering how you wanted a son named after your father, and how you don't like squash or zucchini. You're a light sleeper and you look so peaceful when you're sleeping. I don't know who you're going to fall in love with again, and I don't know if it'll last for you. But whoever it is that gets to spend the rest of their life with you, don't take get for granted. Love her endlessly, tell her every day that she's beautiful, and spoil the hell out of her. Be sure to cherish her, I'm only saying this because I know that this is truly the end of you having an effect on my life. I refuse to give you a single moment of thought next year. I need to move on.

I have 15 days left to swallow the lump in my throat. You're gone, you haven't been my friend in months and you never will be again. Frankly, I've gotten used to the thought of never hearing from you again. And while it's sad to think of after everything we've been through, it was fate. There were many signs, but I was too blind to see them.

I don't know with who or if I'm ever going to fall in love again. If I do, I'll cherish them. As for now I don't see myself dating ever again, I've only learned one thing from it. I'm meant to be alone, maybe until the time is right or maybe forever. I don't know and it doesn't scare me anymore. Nothing seems to scare me anymore.

One day I'll forget your name, what you liked and disliked, and even the plans we made. One day I'll be like you, and I'll forget everything. One day, you and I will forget that you and I were once a we, not separated by an and. I doubt I'll look back on this time because I can't live in the past.

Today is that day. Today is the day I forget, and today is the day you will disappear in my mind. I will continue enjoying my time alone, without fear of losing someone again. You are now nothing more than pictures that I have burned, you never even happened.

I stopped loving a long time ago, it took too long for me to fall out of love with you. Nearly an entire year, it was a mistake, now it's a lesson learned. I'll admit that there are times when I think of things that I should've said but then I realize that it wouldn't have changed anything- except for one thing. I wish I hadn't met you, not because I was sad over you or anything, but so woul'dve learned to find happiness in myself sooner than by damn near the age of 17.

But there are things that I learned from you. Things that needed to know, such as the fact that nice guys like you are not meant for girls like me. Ones who're hypocritical and cheat after a week of no response. I'm not a perfect person, I'm a fuck up clearly. And it's obvious that I'm not meant to have a nice guy like you, I'm meant for futile relationships because it's what I deserve. I don't mind it anymore.

I'm sorry for all that I've done and I'm sorry that you ever met me, I'm glad that you've erased me from your life. I only wish the best for you. And I hope that this December hasn't been lonely for you, I hope these past few months have been filled with joy. I hope your holidays are nice and I hope that later in life you have a son named after your father like you wanted. I hope you get into your local university like you wanted to. I hope life gets really great for you, and I hope it stays like that for you forever. You deserve it. I hope you get your close family, and I hope that every day you get to wake up to someone you love. I hope everything goes great for you from here on out, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your life and get all that you want.

But must importantly, I hope you find a girl that can love herself. So then that way, you don't have to work extra and you don't have to deal with the personal issues of someone else, because I know how much of a burden that is to you. I hope she is everything I'm not and couldn't be for you. I wish you well, in this final goodbye before I force myself to forget.