3 AM Heartbreak

There's Never a Right Time.

Sorry I called last night, but I guess when you said that you still care for me, I guess you meant that you don't care enough to hear what I have to say. I don't care if your ignored me on purpose or if you just didn't hear your phone ring, but you never asked why I called. Sorry I tried giving you what you want in the way you deserve and not in the way I got.

I'm not really too sure why I called last night. I was at this 50th wedding anniversary party, the people were beautiful and you could feel the love radiating off of every couple. I couldn't enjoy myself that night, the only thing I think I somewhat enjoyed was the vodka and orange juice my cousin slipped me. Honestly I hated the taste of it, but it blurred some of the sadness I felt. It wasn't enough to get me drunk, or even slightly tipsy. Just enough to relax me.

I remember when "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley came on and my heart stopped beating for a couple of seconds. I hadn't heard it since you stopped talking to me. I became upset because I haven't been able to have a break from you. I leave the house to go do something for myself, and the next thing I know I look out the window and I see a car with Nebraska lisence plates. I stay home to finally finish Dexter, and the name of the episode is Nebraska. I can't escape it, and no matter what I find myself crying.

Everyone kept telling me to go out with another guy because it's the only way to get over you and find out what's on the other side of the door... he took me out to dinner and a movie. At the restaurant, the waiter resembled to you and for a moment I thought I was losing my mind. Whenever I tried to make small talk he wasn't exactly interested in what I had to say, he never laughed at the jokes I tried to tell. He didn't treat me right at all, and the entire time I felt uncomfortable being there. I didn't feel any connection with him, hell he even ditched me once we were halfway through the movie. He just left and on my walk home, I had to keep in my tears. When I got home I went into my room and cried, I'm not ready to move on. I got a glimpse of what's on the other side of the door and I don't like it, but I have to face it anyways.

The people at the party were beautiful, they all had love in their hearts and I had nothing but resentment for it. And I thought about how the secret to 50 years is patience and love. I thought about their forever, and how long their time together is. They had dated for 8 months before marrying at the age of 18. I thought about how I use to love the idea of a forever because nothing stayed for me. I thought about how for a moment you had me believing that forevers are possible. I always felt foolish for believing it and I still do, because maybe forevers aren't  meant for me.

I've written 4 other works for you, but none of them ever tell of the good days. Even at the end of the good days I still find myself sad because my best friend is gone and I'm left to sit in my room and do word searches or read a book or even write more words that you don't deserve. I tried playing that game you told me to download and I can't get past the final level for training. I'm so fucking frustrated because this isn't easy for me and everyone keeps telling me that I'm not trying hard enough to move past this. Did I not force myself to stay busy with stupid things? Did I not force myself to go out with a different guy? Did in not start going to the gym again to hopefully gain confidence in myself again? What am I doing wrong? I never said goodbye, that's what's wrong.

I've come to realize that there's never going to be a right time or way to say goodbye to you because I don't want to. I think that's why I called last night, to tell you goodbye even though I dont want to, since I can't do it in person and it's proper to actually say it to you- rather than a shitty message sent via text after two weeks of being ignored. I know I don't and didn't deserve that especially since things got tough for me again and I can't get anything to slow down. Everything is going a thousand miles and hour and I can't keep up. But the one thing I can slow down is the way my heart races whenever I think of you. I don't want my heart to race anymore, because it's starting to hurt more than ever now.

I'm forcing myself to say goodbye because this is killing me. It's been the most rough past 5 weeks for me, from being ignored, to you breaking my heart, to the constant reminders of you, to the car crash that makes my emotional pain physical. I always thought that those reminders were signs that it wasn't meant to be over, I don't think they have any meaning other than to force me to think about what could've been. I'm so exhausted from all of this, but I have to use the last bit of energy to do what's best for you & I. I may still love you, but I have to say goodbye because I love you. It's a shame that something wonderful is all over now, and the only thing it seemed to be was distance that got in between us. I'll never know if this was just as hard for you, probably not. I'll never know if you still felt this littlest bit of love for me after it all happened.

I understand that this won't stop the tears completely. But I have to do it, even if it's not the way I want to or even the fact that I don't want to. I understand that you just can't do it anymore. I've never been so upset with myself, but it'll pass eventually. I don't feel the same way I once felt about you, but I know I still love you. You can still talk to me if you need anything, I'll put all this aside and help you as much as I can. I don't know if I'll ever take your offer on talking to you if I need to, because I know at the end of the conversation you'll say goodbye again and I'll lose you all over again. Call me if you want the right goodbye in the way you deserve. Or don't call me at all, it's up to you- listen to what your heart says and don't ignore it like I did because it'll only hurt more.