3 AM Heartbreak

The People That Changed.

I don't know what to say or think anymore. All I know is that this song has been on loop all day, and I think it has finally cleared my mind.

You were right. People do change. We are constantly changing and evolving; I cannot keep up with these changes, and I guess that's why I fall apart. I'll keep going through this process of falling apart and picking up what pieces are left. But I think you were the greatest detriment of all.

We both put a lot on the line for each other, but in the end I had more at risk. I chose you over a boy who lived near me. One that I could see every day. I chose you, my best friend. I chose my best friend because I knew that I could trust you. I knew that I could trust you with my heart and soul. I chose you even though my biggest fear was losing you forever. You proved me wrong. I can't trust you. Nor should I have fallen in love with you. And I had to face my biggest fear.

I put so much on the line fore you, just to have my heart broken... to be told that I'm not worth time, miles, or anything to you for that matter. "Loving" me wasn't worth it. And I guess that's why you started ignoring me. I became a burden, and you realized just what kind of a person I am. I went through so much for you while you ignored me. I sat there, worried to death about you. For all I knew- you could've been dead, and sometimes I wish you were. So then that way I wouldn't have to know that love can die within someone. I stayed faithful to you. I even defended you after being sexually harassed and told that I'm a suicidal whore who should slit her wrists. I defended you when they called you an asshole and a douchebag. I defended you before I defensed myself. I kept defending you even after you left me... even though you weren't worth it

I got to the point of where I was so upset that I could barely focus on school. I didn't do my Spanish oral final out of fear of crying in front of everyone. I isolated myself because I couldn't stop crying. You weren't worth the tears. You weren't worth 1500 miles. You weren't even worth the "I love you" 's that I told you every day. You aren't even worth the words I have for you.

I've realized what kind of a person you are. I figured out everything about you; I even figured out all of the things you didn't want me to know. I know just what kind of a person you are. And you know what kind of a person I am. Or at least, you knew.

People change. I'm not the same girl who fell in love with you.

I'm sorry for telling you that I still love you. Thank you, though, for not responding. I now know what kind of a person you are now, and it's not the same person I fell in love with. I don't love you, at least not in the same way I used to. I think there will always be that small part of me that loves you because of the meaning you once held in me. I no longer see that as you being the one to hold all of the love I have, no one fills that small space now. Your part is so small, small enough for everyone to be unable to see it- but enough for me to know it's there.

I'll admit that sometimes I miss you. But there's nothing that I can do about that, so I just live with it. You clearly don't miss me, and you've obviously erased me from your life. I don't exist- I've never existed. Sometimes I wish I could do that with you. Sometimes I wish I had never met you.

I don't think you'll ever know just how much I hurt when you left. I don't think you'll ever know the pain of being told you're not worth it, when secretly you knew all along. And you will never know the excruciating pain of loving someone who stopped loving you a long time ago, and then forcing yourself to fall out of love but failing miserably time after time.. until one day you just give up, and you just start saying you don't love them until you believe it yourself. Nor will you ever know what it's like to lose your best friend and lover in one moment. Because when it's late at night, you're falling apart and crying, who do you call? You call out to anyone- angels, God, the devil, anyone who will listen. And when no one listens, you start writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote because I had no one. I still don't have anyone but myself, and that's how it should be. I shouldn't have anyone because you've proven to me that I truly cannot trust anyone with anything. Thank you for that lesson, and thank you for teaching me that if I ever need someone to talk to- you won't be there. No one will be there to hug you when you're crying so hard that you can't breathe and all you want is someone to hug you or tell you that it'll be okay.

I hope somebody hurts you someday. I hope someone one hurts you so badly and you know what it's like to feel insane because you can't stop crying over it. Maybe then you'll understand, but I doubt you'll ever understand. Because I know just what kind of a person you are now. You don't care that you hurt me, you're just like the rest of them. You're just another asshole who took pieces of my heart and destroyed them.

People change. I don't love you, but a small part of me always will. I refuse to hurt anymore, I won't cry. I won't waste tears or my time on you, because all you have brought to me is disappointment. I don't choose who I fall in love with, but I do choose to keep that small part of me that does love you. Mainly because at some point, you were a good person to me. So you if you ever find yourself hurt, I'll listen and help, but don't expect me to be completely sympathetic to you- don't even expect me to say "I'm sorry." Because I'm not sorry it happened, I had to live with it for 6 months.

I'm a changed person, and that is the most liberating thing ever. I may not believe in the love the same way, I may be more soft spoken now, and I may be even more independent than before.. but I finally changed for the benefits of myself and no one else.

We're changed people. We've transcended from talking every day to being complete strangers. We've gone from best friends to memories. We've gone from talking at 3 AM to never speaking a word to each other. We changed, but maybe we changed for the benefits of ourselves. We didn't need each other, we didn't need a constant want for each other to be together physically. But that doesn't change the fact that to me- you changed for the worst and maybe I did to you. Maybe I did change for the worst to you, but I frankly don't give a damn about what you think. Because my mind is now at peace, I stopped crying a long time ago, and now this is the last thing that I will ever write about you. And so I leave you with my last words, these words I have forced myself to say so many times but I never meant them. I can finally say them with meaning.

I don't love you.