There's a hole in my heart nobody can see

Nothing can stop us now from what we will become

   "I'm so fucking in love with you." Spencer whispers as he caressed my cheek. I stood there in awe that he actually said it.

     "Spence" I whisper to him. Our faces were so close.

   "Shhh." He put two fingers up to my lips making eye contact that made me a little slightly uncomfortable, but not in the worst way. "We can do this." He mumbled and he nuzzled his face into my neck.

   And just like that my alarm went off. Same dream, different day. I have been having these dreams since Spencer supposedly serenaded me at Red Rocks a week ago. We actually like each other now instead of just tolerating each other. Progress.

   Nobody knows about my dreams, or when Spencer may or may not give me butterflies on a daily basis. If I admit that I'd get a big giant 'told you so' from..literally everyone. I didn't need to say it, everyone knew. We've been glued to each other at the hips for the last week. I'm just scared to take that leap. I've already had my heart ripped out of my chest once, I would rather not go through that again.

- - - - - -

   I woke up to hop in the shower, hoping I was up before anyone else. I grabbed my Korn shirt and black ripped skinny jeans, trying to be comfy before the show tonight. We were in Las Vegas, and we had a day off tomorrow.

   I walked over to the shower and opened up the door, to see Case standing there in just a towel, washing her face. "Oh-I'm so sorry!" I had no idea she was awake already.

   "Don't be, I'm the one who forgot to lock the door." She said softly, not wanted to wake anyone else. I can not help but scan her body. She's so beautiful standing there with her towel and soaking wet long brown hair. It immediately sent shivers down my spine. All I want is for her to know how much I care about her.

   "All yours, Spence." She smiles moving past me playfully. You are damn right about that one. I hopped in the shower and got dressed hoping to relax a little before sound check. Case was already at the door, getting ready to leave to work on gear and whatever else she does well to get the show ready. She had short leather shorts and a black cut off tank with her doc martins on. I tried not to stare at her for too long and have to control myself.

   "Like what you see, Charnas?" She asked without even turning around to look at me. She must of felt my eyes on her. She is really good about sensing that kind of stuff. She let out a little laugh and just like that she was on her way to the venue.
   "But I heard that you reap what you sow
So around and around we go
And when you see my face you'll know"

   We played this acoustically again. Why? Because it is Casey's favorite song and she loves the acoustic version. None of the other guys knew that was the real reason. I made eye contact with her for a brief moment while she was standing side stage enjoying the show and waiting for it to wrap up so she can get to work. 

   I ran off the stage and gave Case, Chris and the rest of all the band members a high five after the show. That was probably one of my favorite shows we've done on this tour. Chris and Andy from Motionless and Black Veil Brides, along with my band pranked me. We were in the middle of Hip to Be Scared and I didn't know Joe and Ricky were switched with them while I was doing a little dance with my axe prop until after I finished "killing Paul." I got a kick out of it. I even joined Chris on stage for Slaughterhouse, which is such a sick song.

   I went to the tour bus to freshen up and went back outside to sign some autographs and meet some fans. I try to do this as much as I can, but sometimes it's difficult if we have a tough show, or I am just drained.

   Back on the bus, all of us had a couple drinks and were ready to pass out. Casey went to bed before us. I decided I was ready to pass out, as i we all had a fun day ahead of us. She always forgets to close her curtain.  I gave her a light kiss on the forehead so I didn't wake her and quietly closed her curtain. I sat on my bed contemplating if tomorrow was the day I told her my feelings. I think I'm in love with this girl. I know I'm in love with her. I know she can't forget the past but I'm hoping she can forgive me.

   Waking up, I knew it was going to be a good day. Off day in Las Vegas with my best friends. Ricky and Patrick walked in with coffee and donuts, while Joe was still sleeping. Ricky handed Case and I our coffees. Her favorite, a latte with an extra shot of espresso and cinnamon powder on top, and kissed her on the forehead good morning.

   "Let's fucking do this!" Joe yelled at everyone, so excited to get onto the strip after everyone was ready. Black Veil Brides and Motionless In White joined us too.

   Case looked incredible, as always..and I wanted to be jealous of every guy that gave her attention. She wore a beautiful, colorful sundress with her favorite bat necklace and some cute, but comfy sandals. She liked to be stylish, but always prioritized comfort. One of the many things on very long list that I love about her. As we went up the Las Vegas strip, hitting up some bars and getting into any kind of trouble we could get into, I found a bar that was doing karaoke and made everyone come with.

- - - - - -

   Spencer was a like a little kid in a candy shop on on the strip. All of the guys acting like little kids, it was kind of funny. I felt like the mom of the group, and that was okay with me. I'm good at that. Spencer saw a bar with karaoke and pulled me in, followed by the rest of the group. He immediately rushed up to the DJ and put in his name and his request while I grabbed a drink for both of us.

  I was at the bar and I heard his name being called. I've heard him sing a million times, but this was different. He was singing softly and put so much emotion into the song. No matter how much he's had to drink, I swear he becomes sober as soon as he opens his mouth to sing. I got mad goosebumps when I heard the song start.

"I need you, right here
By my side
You're everything I'm not, in my life
We're indestructible, we are untouchable..."

   He made eye contact with me the entire song, and never broke it. I couldn't help but get a little emotional. He made me feel like it was just him and I in the room. Ricky put his hand on my shoulder, knowing exactly what was happening. I let out a small smile and broke contact with Spencer and stepped outside to smoke a cigarette. A few minutes later, a tall figure leaned against the brick wall and lit up a cigarette themselves. It was none other than Spencer.

   "You killed it up there." I spoke loud enough over the crowd, but quiet enough for him to hear, not daring to move my gaze from the crowded street to look in those hazel eyes.

   He gave me a little chuckle, and then moved closer to me. He grabbed my chin and gently moved it so I was forced to make eye contact. He was super close to me at this point and before I knew it he leaned in and gave me a gentle, but passionate kiss. He tastes like whiskey and cigarettes. I couldn't help but kiss him back. He pulled away, smirked that devilish smile he always gives.

   He put out his cigarette in the ash tray and walked back inside the bar. Leaving me a little stunned. I wanted to grab him by the wrist and pull him back in, but I didn't want to push it. This will not end up like last time, Case.

- - - - - -

    Walking away from him hurt. Here I am in love with this man, and he decided I was a one night stand and moved on just like that. Onto the next girl. I know we were never together, but it still fucking hurt and I felt like ripping my own heart out so I didn't have to feel a thing.

     I hid in my room. I ignored his calls and texts. Him not realizing the extent of my pain. Panic attack after panic attack. I could feel myself going manic trying to ignore my thought and feelings. I became diagnosed with bipolar at 16.

   I've been to therapy, seen a psychiatrist and even did an out patient therapy program. It helped a lot and somewhat stabilized my episodes, but never made them go away.  I read my phone even though I was not in the mood to reply to him. A bunch of I'm sorrys and trying to explain himself. He was allowed to do what he wanted. It just hurt what he chose. And it wasn't  me. It was never going to be me.