There's a hole in my heart nobody can see

I'll give my best shot holding onto what we've got

   "Please Case come back...I miss you." Spencer begged.

   "Spence..." I cried into the phone.

  "Please. Don't do this." He started to cry into the phone.

   My mental health has gotten the best of me and I needed to focus on myself. Nothing he did was wrong, it's all me. My demons were winning. Being alone was tearing me apart, but I wouldn't want to disrupt the tour. Spencer needed to be there. I was breaking two hearts; mine and the love of my life's. "You're better off without me, Spence. I need help. I need to focus on myself. I'm a mess."

   "Honey, we made it out of everything together. Why didn't you tell me you were struggling so much? I could've helped. I'm a mess too. We can be a mess together and figure it out." He said.

   "Spencer..I'm sorry. I have to go. I'll be out of the apartment before you get home. I have to go home." I said, wiping tears from my eyes and hung up the phone. I slid down to the floor from
the island in the kitchen and started sobbing. Why am I like this? Why do I always self sabotage myself? I just pushed the love of my life away.

- - - - - -

  What the fuck just happened? After all we've been through? It's 3 days before she was supposed to be here and I am in shock. I walked into the main room and all the other bandmates looked at me like I just saw a ghost.

  "Are you okay, man?" Joe asked. All eyes were on me.

  "Um, Casey broke up with m-me." I stammered out, tears welding in my eyes.

   All of the guys immediately stood up, jaws to the floor. "WHAT?!" Ricky shouted.

   "She said she needed to be on her own and she needs help. I was three days away...if she just waited three days..she's the love of my life.." I trailed off. "If she just waited three more days I could've done more."

  "I'm really sorry man." Ricky came over to hug me. Unfortunately, we had a show in an hour. No matter how fucking heart broken I am, I have
to put it aside. The guys and I silently walked over to backstage and started getting dressed and warming up. We were headlining tonight and I was pumped up. Probably from all of the adrenaline and heartache. As soon as I heard that crowd, I was ready to go.

   "Ink fills the page
A classic killer completes the cast
If evil's all the rage
Cut to the close up, then fade to black"

   I started to sing. The crowd was amped, especially when I stood in the crowd. Probably one of our best shows, because of the emotions I put into it. This is my outlet. After the show, I went back to the bus and climbed in my bunk. I whipped my phone out of my pocket, and without even thinking about it, I facetimed Casey. I realized what I was doing and debating about hanging up but I didn't. She didn't answer. I cannot lose her this easy. There has to be a way.

- - - - - -

   "I broke up with Spencer yesterday." I told my therapist, sitting in her bland grey office.

  "Okay, and why?" She asked surprised.

   "A rash decision." Not meaning to quote the band at all. "I just need to work on myself. I've been really bad. Night terrors, PTSD, anxiety. He doesn't deserve to be with someone like this. He deserves better than me." I explained.

  "Does this decision make you feel better, or actually is helping you? You're pushing away things that mean a lot to you." She replied.

  "I don't know. I miss him but I need to get myself right. "How am I supposed to love someone if I can't even love myself? Between my best friend's murder and myself almost being murdered, I don't feel like myself anymore, and don't recognize who I am. I want to though. I just don't know if I can do it with Spencer around or not. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have."

- - - - - -

I decided that I was not going to lose Casey this easy. Today is the day she was supposed to come to the show. Luckily, we are in L.A. and I have some tricks up my sleeve. I got up early, and stopped at a local coffee shop, which has become
my favorite since moving to L.A. Some fans recognized me, so I took some photos with them
and went on my way. Next stop, to pick up the dog. Regardless if Casey still wants to be with me or not, she needed and deserved this dog.

I arrived at the training facility. "Hi, My name is Spencer Charnas and have been speaking to Nick back and fourth regarding a service dog named Brody."

As I was introducing myself, a bigger, bald man walked over to the receptionist and I. "Hi Spencer, I am Nick, it's nice to meet you in person."

"Same to you, thank you for meeting with me." I replied with a smile.

"So you have inquired about Brody. He's a very good dog and has perfected his training. Your girlfriend is going to love him. I will take you back to meet him, follow me." I winced at the
term 'girlfriend,' it was a hard pill to swallow.

Nick took me back to see Brody, who was having some free time and playing with his trainer. "This is Jessica, Brody's trainer. I know we have had zoom meetings to go over things, however she is going to give you an in person crash course. I'll leave you guys to it." I thanked him and Jessica began her crash course. Brody is 6 months and such a beautiful dog. He has giant paws and chocolate brown eyes, to go with his coat. Casey is going to love him. After the crash course, I finished up the paperwork and Brody and I were on our way back to the bus.