The Phoenix and the Crow

May the Saints Receive Me

Over the next day, Y/N saw Kaz begin to move the pieces of his scheme into position. She'd been privy to his consultations with every member of his crew, but she'd learned that she was seeing only fragments of his plan. That, apparently, was the game Kaz played.

If he had doubts about what they were attempting, it didn't show, and Y/N wished she shared his certainty. The Ice Court had been built to withstand an onslaught of armies, assassins, Grisha, and spies. When she'd said as much to Kaz, he simply replied, "But it hasn't been built to keep us out."

His confidence unnerved her. "What makes you think we can do this? There will be other teams out there, trains soldiers and spies, people with years of experience."

"This isn't a job for trained soldiers and spies. You know that. It's a job for thugs and thieves. Van Eck knows it, and that's why he brought us in."

"He brought you in. Nikolai sent me for this mission. You had a lead before Van Eck told you anything about it. Plus, you can't spend his money if you're dead."

"I'll acquire expensive habits in the afterlife."

"This isn't a joke, Kaz, for Saints' sake. There's a difference between confidence and arrogance."

He'd turned his back on her then, giving each of his gloves a sharp tug. "And when I want a sermon on that, I know who to come to. If you want out, just say so."

Her spine had straightened, her own pride rising to her defense. "Matthias isn't the only irreplaceable member of this crew, Kaz. You need me."

"I need your skills, Y/N. That's not the same thing. You may be the best Grisha soldier in Ravka, but you're not the only one. You'd do well to remember it if you want to keep your share of the haul."

"You'd do well to remember just who you're talking to, Kaz Brekker. Sure I'm the best Grisha soldier in Ravka, but I'm the only Phoenix. I'm your only solid connection to Ravka. I'm the only one Nikolai truly trusts." She stepped closer to him, anger seeping out of her, Kaz felt waves of heat radiate off of her. "And you have no right to tell me I'm replaceable."

She turned on her heel and walked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Now, as she headed towards the harbor, she wondered what truly kept her here.

"Stay."

She froze at the feeling of the leather on her skin, the air leaving her lungs in a gasp.

"Stay in Ketterdam."

The moment in the chapel replayed in her head and her heart clenched. She came back to Ketterdam for work, as an order, but a part of her came back for him. And this is what she gets for following her heart just a little bit. Maybe Kirigan was right after all. People like her had no room for love in their lives.

She could leave Kerch anytime she wanted. She could go back home to Ravka. Back to Alina and Nikolai. Back to Zoya, her sweet suli friend, or Genya. People who showed her the respect she deserved. The respect she had earned. But she remembered that she had done nothing among the Dregs to earn that kind of respect. Among the crows, sure, but Kaz ran the whole gang now.

Kaz Brekker was a gang leader with a mission, not a man who sat at home waiting for her. He wasn't waiting for anyone, and she needed to remember that. She couldn't be his reason if he didn't need one. She had once seen the human side that the rumors always left out. The side that would do anything to protect his friends, his found family. He would've protected them from whatever he thought to be threatening. But now he was blinded and power-hungry, and all she could do is sit back and take orders. Like a soldier. Like she was trained to do. It's part of her job.