The Phoenix and the Crow

No Regrets

As the schooner sped south, it was as if the whole crew was sitting vigil. Everyone spoke in hushed tones, treading quietly over the decks, hyper-aware of Y/N lying in bed in Kaz's room.

The Ferolind felt like a ghost ship. Kaz was sequestered with Y/N, and he'd asked for Wylan's help caring for her. Even if Wylan didn't love chemistry, he knew more about tinctures and compounds than anyone. So the chemist and Nina spent every waking minute trying to nurse their resident Inferni back to health.

Anyone who entered the room Y/N was staying in could instantly feel how stressed Kaz was. They would have to be blind not to have noticed the toll her illness took on him. The deep dark circles that rested under his eyes seemed worse than they'd ever been before. His sleeping habits were nonexistent before, yet he never let it show. But now he looked weak. Physically ill. Within the few days he's been waiting for Y/N to wake up he appeared to have aged a few years. It was nothing a proper night's sleep, shower, and meal couldn't fix, but it disturbed the other Crows to see him in such a state.

Nina and Inej finally got him to bathe himself, the Heartrender claiming that Y/N would never wake up if he stayed by her side smelling like a Barrel rat. So when Kaz stepped out of the pathetic excuse for a washroom, he nearly collapsed to his knees at the sight of Y/N sitting up in bed.

He was frozen in shock, he was barely able to choke out a few words. "You're awake."

Y/N jumped slightly and groaned at the jolt it gave her body.

"Sorry," Kaz walked to her bedside while rubbing the thin fraying towel in his hand through his hair.

"It's fine," she coughed in reply. Her hand blindly felt for a cup on the table next to her. Kaz reached for the pitcher and poured the cold water into the glass before handing it to her. Y/N smiled at him gratefully and chugged the water down before placing the cup back. "Thank you."

"How..." Kaz cleared his throat before murmuring quickly. "How're you feeling?"

Y/N pushed herself higher up on her pillows, "More alive than I could've claimed earlier."

She's alive.

That's all that mattered to Kaz at that very moment. The reward that waited for him completely left his mind for just a split second as he mentally relaxed over the comforting fact that she was still with him.

She's alive.

~

Y/N had always known there was a good chance they wouldn't make this journey home at all, that they'd end up in cells in the Ice Court or skewered on pikes. But she'd figured that if they managed the impossible task of rescuing Yul-Bayur and getting back to the Ferolind, the trip back to Ketterdam would be a party. They'd drink whatever Spect might have squirreled away on the ship, eat the last of Nina's toffees, recount their close calls and every small victory. But she never could have foreseen the way they'd been cornered in the harbor, and she certainly couldn't have imagined the type of sacrifice she'd made in order to get them out of it. But as she looked around the deck she knew that she would do it all over again in a heartbeat. No regrets.

These people had grown to be her family much against her will. If some heaven-sent Saint came to her only two years ago and told her that she would become the closest friends with a convict, a sharpshooter, a runaway, a spy, one of her ex-soldiers, and a thief... She would have laughed in their face. But here she sat, wrapped in a warm blanket brought to her by the Suli spy, drinking a cup of tea made by the runway mercher's kid. Her skin had grown pale and carried a constant cold sweat despite the cool ocean breeze flowing through her hair and over her skin. But she was well enough to finally leave the room and walk about the main deck for a short while.

When Kerch finally appeared on the horizon, Y/N felt a strange mixture of relief and trepidation. She knew that their lives were about to change, and she could only hope for the better while she prayed to any Saint above that Nikolai received her letter in time.

They dropped anchor, and when nightfall came, Jesper had asked Kaz if he could join him and Rotty in the longboat they were rowing to Fifth Harbor. Y/N knew they didn't need him, but she could tell he was desperate for a distraction.

A few hours later she could see them down a canal, making their way back to the ship.

"Look at that," Kaz said, holding the paper out for Y/N to read. Congratulations. Your country thanks you.

The words left a funny feeling to settle in her stomach as Jesper laughed. "As long as my country pays cash. Does the council know the scientist is dead?"

"I put it all in my note to Van Eck," Kaz said. "I told him that Bol Yul-Bayur was dead but that his son is alive and was working on jurda parem for the Ferjdans."

"Did he haggle?"

"Not in the note. He expressed his 'deep concern,' but didn't mention anything about the price. We did our job. We'll see if he tries to bargain us down when we get to Vellgeluk."

Jesper glanced at the Inferni quickly before turning his attention back to Kaz. "Will Wylan come with us to meet with Van Eck?"

"No," Kaz said, fingers drumming on the crow's head of his cane. "Matthias will be with us, and someone needs to stay behind with Y/N. Besides, if we need to use Wylan to twist his father's arm, it's better that we don't show our hand too early."

Y/N glared at Kaz's profile as he spoke. Jesper looked between the two and quickly made a lame excuse to leave.

"What do you mean I stay behind?"

"You're in no condition to come with us, you're still weak."

Y/N scoffed but a coughing fit instantly followed. "I'm not weak, besides you'll need the Ravkan representative present during the trade."

Kaz stared at her for a moment, a flicker of emotion flared behind his eyes before he turned away. Y/N reached her index finger to lock it with his.

"I know your concern, but my presence is needed and you can't deny that. I promise I'll be careful."

"You can't make promises you can't keep," Kaz said and looked back at her. "Since when are you known to be careful?"

The Inferni chuckled and leaned closer to his side, barely leaning her head against his shoulder. "Thank you for trusting me."

Kaz gave no reply as he stood stiffly beside her with no intention of leaving.

~*~

A/N: I'M BACK!!! thank you guys for being so so so patient with me the last few months... i totally ghosted you guys and im so sorry! but, here i am and i hope y'all liked this update! more to come, for sure. sending so so soooo much love <3