Under The Moonlight

Chapter 17: Desiderium

desiderium

an ardent desire or longing

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Kayden pov

"As I told you before, I don't want mate. I've never wanted one before. If you think that you acting like a lost puppy and following me around is going to change that then you are delusional." I said after taking a deep breath.

Oh god.

That was harder than I had imagined.

I could see as the hurt hit her like a wave.

And I was the reason behind it.

I almost wanted to go and hug her and tell her the reason behind my behaviour.

I couldn't.

I had never opened up to anyone about that part of my life and I was not sure if I could ever do that.

I tried to disassociate with that part of my life for as much of the day as possible.

"Don't you get it Kayden? The mate bond makes it so damn hard for me to be away from you. You are not ready to accept me, but my wolf is already too attached."

Her voice broke.

That started to break down my wall of defence piece by piece.

She was going through everything I am but she didn't know the thousand concerns that littered my mind.

I want this too, Moonlight.

"Well, I do empathize with your plight. I'm well in control of my feelings. You're the one who wants this,Moonlight." I said, getting up.

I let the endearment slip.

"Stop calling me that. I hate that name." She screamed.

I was taken aback by her outburst.

I deserved it.

I saw the tears rack her body but I refrained myself from going towards her instead I went to a window opposite to her.

"You call me that and yet you try your best to ignore me. If you don't want me at least don't get my hopes up before burning them the very next minute."

I opened my mouth to say that I really didn't mean to get her hopes up.

Yesterday was completely my fault.

It's good that she interrupted me.

"Don't. You'll just blame me for having hopes."

I wasn't going to.

I'm sorry, Moonlight.

There was a beat of silence between us.

I couldn't bring myself to look at her so I looked out.

It was dusk.

The sun was setting just like my relation with Moonlight was dying.

I heard her take a deep breath before she spoke the two words that affected me the most.

"Reject me." Her voice was so weak that it made chills run through me.

It was so low that I almost didn't't hear it.

I hoped that I heard it wrong.

"What?" My voice sounded shaky even to my own ears.

Please tell me that I heard it wrong, Moonlight.

I could never bring myself to reject her.

I might be able to put on a mask of indifference in front of her but I could never break the only tie I have to her.

My wolf would kill me before I would even start.

"Reject me." She repeated.

"Why?" I said quietly not wanting her to move away.

"You talk down to me. You think that a mate is basically the devil's spawn then why not reject me. Why hesitate to reject me? Just do it and kill off whatever little is left between us."

No. Don't say that.

I'm so sorry.

The ghost of my past refused to leave.

I did want to stay with her but I couldn't risk this affecting the pack members.

"Absolutely not. You are mine. You are not leaving. I will not think twice before killing anyone who tries to take you away from me." My wolf said.

I fought to take control before he did something I would have to regret.

"Didn't you just say that you are in control. What happened now? You let your wolf come out the second I told you to reject him."

Disdain for me seeped out of each word she said.

It was good.

This was how she should feel for me.

I didn't deserve her.

"You are not leaving. This is a statement not an option." My wolf said.

"Don't act all possessive about me now. It's not like you'll ever be like a loving mate. Do you remember the day I confronted you about being my mate? Because I do, clear as day. I did dream of a knight in shining armour but I would rather have a mate who would not distance himself and apologize when he does cross a line. Don't talk to me unless you have realised your mistake."

She said that as she walked away from me.

She still did not give up on us.

She still had hope that I would apologise.

How had I managed to land someone with a heart made of gold like her?

Moon goddess, you were very unfair to her.

My wolf finally retreated back into my mind as she slammed the door behind her.

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Author's note

I'll try to update as quickly as I can.

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