Letters From the Lost

~Max~

It had been weeks since I last went to school, three maybe. I lost track of time, the days were just blending together. I had been an emotional wreck. Noah was concerned for my health and body as well as for my mental health. While dating Jackson, I had developed an eating disorder. I haven't actually eaten a full meal in at least a year. Being about forty pounds underweight was more concerning for Noah than me. It felt as if I wasn't as skinny as I was, no one would love me. But I knew it would hurt Noah if I didn't eat. Every morning he would wake up earlier than I would so he could make me something to eat, usually a cup of coffee and some crackers. I know, not the most nutritious, but according to Noah, it was something.

I had figured it might be time I should go back to school after my best friend Lyla called me terrified something horrible happened to Noah and I. I fully understood where her anxiety came from considering the conversation she had with Noah. We were alive, obviously I wasn't well enough to go to school; but our hearts kept beating and that's what mattered to her, space was the one thing I asked for from her throughout our friendship and she quickly understood its importance to me. So, when I was going through something she knew I wanted space, and I had Noah anyway. My little sister Joey called me a few times worried, most of the time I didn't feel ready to talk to her yet so Noah answered, usually lying. I hated making him lie to her, but it was better for all three of us. Joey was still too young to understand what I was going through, sure she understood that the abuse wasn't okay, but she wouldn't be able to understand why I felt the way I did.

Two days ago, Noah and I went back to my house to see if Jackson was still there. To my surprise, all of his things had been moved out and it looked like he had never been there in the first place. Obviously, there were some things missing, pieces of jewelry and clothes Jackson had given me, it's not like I wanted them anyway so I didn't mind. Noah never really left me alone. Other than when one of us would shower or use the bathroom. He didn't want to leave me alone, especially after seeing my scars, he knew what would happen if he left. I hate that he understood, he would ask me about them but he quickly understood I couldn't tell him. But his thoughts revealed everything. If only Noah knew I could read his mind, but I don't really mind it. It's nice knowing that when he tells me he doesn't care about how wet I got his shirt from crying, I know he actually means it and it's not some white lie.

Staying with Noah has only made my feelings for him strengthen. We didn't do anything but cuddle in my bed, he understood that I was going through a sea of emotions I couldn't battle on my own. He was a shoulder to cry on and a warm body to cuddle with. He was an excellent listener; most of the time, I would find myself getting lost in his gorgeous eyes. Having someone like him was something I wasn't really ever used to. His worries about me revealed everything about him. He cared a lot, he was very kind, and he definitely wasn't selfish. We had similar taste in music and art, our opinions were similar. Noah is allowing me to become the person I want to be instead of the person Jackson was forcing on me.

The thoughts I have about Noah feel unnatural. There was a time when I longed for something from Jackson. When we were still young and in love, I craved his touch, I wanted to have his hand in mine. To be able to cuddle with him at the end of the day, but those feelings were starting to fade with every time he hit me. But with Noah, it's different. Maybe because I've matured and I understand way more now. But I crave more than just his touch. Sometimes Noah would think similar things when he thought I was asleep, though his thoughts were slightly more tamed. Every time I think about doing anything with Noah, Jackson haunts my thoughts. Even just going out with Noah, doing something romantic or intimate. The reminders of Jackson haunt my thoughts like a black plague.

I stood in my room, my hands trembling. I was mostly ready to go to school but a part of me feared Jackson. It was difficult knowing Jackson would be there and I wouldn't be able to escape him. Noah came into my room and he had a cute glow in his eyes, "Ready to go?" He asked. His attention immediately pulled to my trembling hand.