Letters From the Lost

~Noah~

After asking around for almost an hour, someone finally told me they saw Max going upstairs, Jackson following behind her. As I made it to the hallway, I saw Jackson walk down the hallway smirking slightly. He glared at me before walking downstairs. I peaked in every room, mostly seeing drunk teenagers making out. My hearrt sunk when I walked into a room, Max sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly into the floor. "Max, baby, what's wrong?"

She looked up at me with tears streaming down her cheeks. She took a deep breath, contemplation in her eyes. She closed her eyes and took a quick deep breath, "It's nothing. Can we just go home?" Her voice cracked. My heart shattered, there was something wrong and she wasn't going to tell me for my sake. Her selflessness was hurting her. I knew she didn't want to tell me what happened because it would hurt me, because I would most likely go to jail if she told me, which only makes me angrier.

"Okay, but when we get home will you tell me what happened?" She lifted her head to look at me. There was so much pain and anguish in her eyes. I didn't know what just happened, but I also knew. Just like Eddy had told me, she hadn't quite reached her breaking point, the point of no return. I had no idea if this was the point of no return, if she truly had reached her breaking point. But the empty and blank stare behind her eyes, gave me the crippling feeling that she was at that point. Jackson had done something so incredibly horrible that it destroyed Max. The pit in my stomach grew harder knowing that I could have saved her from it if I kept closer eye on her. If I would have never let her out of my site she would be safe and we would still be having a good time and it was my fault that Jackson got to her.

In the car, the drive was silent. Max shied away from my touch, her muscles tensed when I touched her, even if it was her hand. She said she felt sick so she wanted to lay down, so she laid down on the backseat of the car. I would look at her every so often, but she just stared blankly, there was so much trauma in her eyes, it was more than I had ever seen. I finally made it to our home, and still silence.

I couldn't handle the silence anymore. I needed to hear her sweet voice, her voice that's like honey and sticks with you forever and never rots. I needed to know that she was okay, that everything was all fine. I knew deep down that something horrible just happened, but I wanted to hear her say that everything was fine and really mean it, "Max, tell me what happened. Please," I begged. She stood in front of me, staring blankly at my chest, she was almost looking through me. It felt like I wasn't even there.

She took a deep breath and looked up at me, "Jackson just said something...I let him get to me." Her voice cracked.

"What did he say to you?" I lifted my hand to place it on her cheek, she flinched away from my hand. My knees felt weak and my head started to spin. I hid my anxiety, and stared into Max's eyes, trying to read her mind like she reads mine.

"He told me that I wasn't good enough for you, and...he told me that what m- my father d- did to me." She looked down at the ground. "He told me I deserved it," I could barely hear what she said, but I heard her clearly.

"Oh, Max, he's so wrong. You aren't better off dead, and you are worth way more than anything in this world. You aren't a disgusting pig, and you definitely aren't hungry for attention. I know that you aren't in this for attention and I know that you won't leave. And your father most certainly was in the wrong for everything he did to you. I promise, you're worth the whole world and you had to deal with a lot of unfair treatment." I walked toward her and lifted my hand to her cheek. She flinched away from my touch, then she started crying.

I went to wrap my arms around her and pull her into a hug but she moved away from me. I could feel my heart physically break. She didn't trust me anymore, she was scared of me again. Tears started to form in my eyes, then they started streaming down my cheeks. "Okay, I'll sleep on the couch tonight," I whispered. She didn't want me to touch her anymore, and I wasn't going to cross that boundary. If she didn't want me to touch her, then I couldn't do it. She wanted space so I'll give her the space she needs until she's ready to tell me what's going on.

"Wait...please...I'm sorry, Jackson's words just hurt me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be like that. I'm sorry," She whispered quietly. What the hell did Jackson do to her that she wasn't telling me? She lost trust, she was scared, and she felt like she needed to please me for my sake and not care about her needs.

"I'm not going to make you do something you don't want to, sweetheart. If you don't want me to touch you anymore, then I won't. I can sleep on the couch, I can sleep on the floor in our room, or I can sleep in bed with you. But I'm not going to do anything you don't want me too." She looked at me and her bottom lip quivered, she was keeping demons that were screaming to get out. I wasn't going to force her to tell me something she didn't want to talk about. "I'm here," I whispered. "You can tell me what's wrong, or not, I won't force you to tell me. But I'm here, and I'll wait patiently until you're ready."

"I want you to stay with me, I just..." She looked down again, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please just...Just don't touch me," She whispered. I didn't know it was possible for my soul to break more. She was falling apart and she was too terrified of me for her to tell me what happened. I hated that I didn't know what to do. I felt so powerless and broken, something horrible happened to her and now she's falling apart and there is nothing I can do to help her if she's too scared of me. I missed her touch, I missed the sparkle in her eyes. I miss the real Max, I miss the Max that she had worked so hard to be.