Letters From the Lost

~Max~

TW: abuse and mentions of eating disorders

September 1980. The day I dreaded most, the first day of school. Listening to the squeaky cheers of friends finally reuniting after the long summer break. I eavesdropped on everyone's thoughts and feelings. Gossip from over the summer filled my mind.

My boyfriend held onto my hand tightly; I trudged behind him, cowering in his shadow. Before we got to school, he had told me he wanted to walk me to all of my classes. I attempted to convince myself it was an act of love, he just wanted to see me as much as possible. His thoughts and actions showed that he truly just wanted to make sure I wasn't cheating on him. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that he truly loved me, inside I knew it was wrong to stay.

It was like I was impossible standing next to Jackson, or maybe a lost puppy. We navigated through the crowded hall, and Jackson would stop to say hello to his friends. My presence was never even acknowledged, I know they saw me. I could hear all their thoughts.

Even through all the abuse I endured with Jackson, I still get jealous. I could hear every thought a girl had about Jackson. I could feel the butterflies fluttering in their stomachs when he smirked at them. It felt like I didn't even exist.

Jackson stopped abruptly, just a few steps away from my first class. He looked down at me, staring into my eyes deeply. It felt like he was trying to burn holes into my skull. He reminded me that I'm not allowed to even look at another boy. I nodded softly. He leaned down and kissed me briefly before leaving. Relief washed over me, knowing I had at least an hour away from Jackson. I could just be myself in my own little world.

I walked into the classroom slowly, my arms wrapped around my body tightly. I looked up slightly and saw an empty seat in the back. The people who sat in the back never got attention from the teachers or students. Being invisible was nice, hiding from everyone and their gaze. Because I was with Jackson, my life was under everyone else's gaze. But no one knew me, I became known as Jackson's girlfriend.

Jackson always tended to get in trouble, and because I was always with him I got in trouble too. He always used his charm to get us out of trouble. His skills in manipulation might have formed because of his parents. He could manipulate them into moving out of the country if he wanted.

I watched as all the students flooded through the door. Most of them were kids I knew. Others, I either didn't know or didn't want to know. A tall boy walked in, his messy hair covering his face. He seemed scary, but his thoughts were usually kind. Jackson told me to stay away from him, he told me that he was one of the boys that would hurt anyone just because he wanted to, I had heard from someone else that he was psychopathic. Everyone was just scared of him, but he was quite kind. However, he did look frightening. He always had a look of hatred behind his heterochromatic eyes. One of his eyes was blue with a hint of gold and the other dark brown with flecks of gold. His name was Christopher Samuels, he went by his middle name, Noah. I heard him say it was for his father once. His memories of his parents hurt his heart. A few years ago, his parents passed away in a car accident. He ended up living with his uncle. Jackson would call him Christopher and ignore the requests to be called Noah. Jackson did it out of disrespect and carelessness.

Later in the day, I noticed I had three common classes with Noah. One with Jackson, and some with other friends. But I didn't have any class with any of my close friends. I was on my way to lunch, holding onto Jackson's hand. I cowardly behind him, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I could feel fury emanating from his body. The slightest thing could set him off, even his pencil breaking could make him angry. As we sat down, Jackson had gotten himself some lunch but wouldn't let me get anything. My stomach was rumbling loudly, my whole body was shaking. I wasn't used to this feeling, at the beginning of our relationship I rarely ate, striving to be skinny. There was still the occasional meal, mostly dinner. But a few months ago, Jackson forced me to stop eating. Claiming pretty girls are skinny.