Letters From the Lost

~Noah~ (Part 2)

I dropped the letter on the counter, tears streaming one after another down my cheeks. Max really didn't deserve everything that happened to her. She's lived through hell and her heart still stayed sweet. Her words were nothing short of poetry. I know she wrote that at least a month ago. I hate that she could see the pain I was in, she didn't need that in her mind. She needed to help herself before she could worry about me. I could feel the faint feeling of her lips on mine, I lifted my hand and rubbed my thumb across my bottom lip slowly. I longed to hear Max's sweet voice, to see her beautiful eyes.

I saw another letter in the box. There were a few more, but one caught my eye. Black ink soaked through the paper in some spots, it was long, and there were three pieces of paper folded together. I took it out of the box. I read the first line. My heart skipped a beat. I knew what this was. It was a suicide note, it wasn't the same sloppy writing as the letters addressed to everyone else. I wished it was from a long time ago, but I knew it wasn't. This was recent and it shattered my heart, but I needed to read it.

'Suicide isn't something I thought I would escape from. When I was little, I thought I wouldn't make it to sixteen. Then when I reached sixteen, I didn't think I was going to make it to eighteen. But then I found someone to keep me here. I found someone I love and he made me want to stay. Noah, and his gorgeous eyes, his beautiful voice, his ability to just make me feel safe just by looking at me. But I guess everything can't stay perfect.

At fifteen, I found myself stuck in an abusive relationship. I had just turned fifteen when I met Jackson. I fell in love deeply, and months later, I was trapped. I was stuck and I couldn't get out. After I had turned sixteen, I didn't understand how I was still here. I didn't understand how I managed to keep myself alive even though the urge to cut, the urge to jump off a bridge, the urge to take a whole bottle of pills, it got stronger every day. And yet, I still managed to fight it off.

Until I met Noah, even though I was still in a relationship, talking to him every day gave me something to look forward to. Noah got me out of a relationship I didn't want to be in. Noah saved me in every way a person could be saved. I love him with every inch of my being. I love him more than life itself. I would stand between him and a bullet if it meant he would stay alive. He is my love, my savior, my grounding, my happiness, my person, my everything. He was the reason I chose to stay on this plane.

I had so many opportunities to end the pain and suffering. But when I found him, the pain was slowly leaving my soul. But, everything must come to an end, even a love I thought couldn't be broken. And it's all my fault for letting Jackson get in the way. It's all my fault for not telling Noah about how unsafe I felt. It's even my fault for going to that damn party. I just don't understand why I can make so much progress the first time, and get so much better. Improve mentally and feel better; then do one thing, say one thing, regret one thing, remember one thing, or even just wake up in the morning and lose all the progress that I just worked so hard to achieve. But every time I lose all the progress, I sink down further. I go down the hole further and it hurts just that much more.

I just don't understand why my happiness feels so difficult to achieve. Why do I have to feel a constant guild? I feel so much guilt when I look at my wrists when I see the way my friends see my scars. It's impossible to hide some of them, and I just feel guilty. I try and I fail, and fail when I try. Every single time I feel that guilt, my heart breaks, and it just keeps breaking and I will never be able to fix what's broken. I will never be able to repair the broken heart that's missing pieces, that's been walked all over destroyed, and stabbed. Yes, I get it, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm a disappointment to my family, I have attitude problems, and I'm unworthy of anyone's love. I get it. Everyone will hate me. I already hate my body, my personality, my attitude. I already hate myself more than anyone will know. I feel like an inconvenience to everyone, I know I'm an inconvenience. I give everything to everyone, I give my body, my energy, my happiness, my money, my time, my sanity to everyone. But, it still feels like it's not enough. By the end of the day, I'm tired, I have no more happiness, I have no energy, I have motivation. I have nothing. It still feels like I'm never going to be enough and I never will be. I just wish I could tell people that I have nothing or no one else, then maybe they will finally stop taking everything from me. Because I give everything, I give everyone my all, and it still feels like I'm not giving enough and it still feels like everyone hates me. I'm just a waste of space. I feel so worthless. I always feel like I'm self-centered and selfish. Hell, even this suicide note and my committing suicide just makes me feel so selfish already. I stopped caring about myself so I could give everyone everything. But then I'm told I'm lazy and selfish.

I mess everything up. It's so draining to be there for everyone all at once and never be there for myself. The only thing I do for myself is to tell myself that suicide wouldn't be a good idea because it's just for attention. I don't know why I feel so helpless. I feel like I don't matter. I'm not worth anything. I just want to be happy again. I am dismissed, I am told that everything is just doing everything for attention.

I let Jackson get in the way of the best relationship I've had and now I'm destroying Noah. It's killing him to have him see me in so much pain, and not know what to do. I can't even touch him, and it's killing him. I know he just wants to hold me and kiss me. He just wants to hear me talk to him. And I feel like I can't even speak. It feels like what I felt like when I was kidnapped, they tried so hard to get me to talk, and I wanted to, but I physically couldn't. Every once and a while I would be able to talk to Noah, like on Christmas.

So, now is my time to say goodbye. Noah, I love you more than you will ever be able to understand. I never wanted anything Jackson caused, I didn't want it. I didn't want to be there, I didn't cheat on you. I love you so much, and I regret it so much. I regret not telling you the truth, I regret not telling you how much I love you. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm so sorry. I know this was the one thing you didn't want me to resort to when I was overwhelmed and hurting. I know you made me swear to stay. But now you hate me, now you don't love me, now you don't want to ever see me again. So, goodbye Noah. I love you so much. And I need you to not stay stuck on me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want you to just forget everything we went through. Our relationship went through hell, but our love still stayed strong and I want you to remember that. But don't see me as an absence of life, see me as a memory that will live on forever in your mind.'

I didn't realize that she was in so much pain that she was going to commit suicide. My memories replayed in my head, and I thought through the days. Every day Max and I had just stayed in bed. It wasn't until halfway through January that she let me hold her. But never once did I let her out of my sight for that very reason. Then I realized, I left her home alone for maybe thirty minutes to get some food from the store. When I got home, she was in the bathroom. I questioned her about why she was crying, and she kept her words to a minimum, she just said she was fine but I didn't believe her. I felt like something was wrong, so I never let her out of my sight again. If she had to use the bathroom, I would stand next to the bathroom, not listening, but watching the time. If I went to go make some food. I would check on her, not letting her stay alone for longer than a few minutes.

I wish I would have understood that she couldn't physically speak. I thought there was so much she wanted to say and she was just trying to figure it all out. I didn't realize that there really was so much that she had to say and she wanted to say it so badly, but she literally couldn't speak.

Jackson hurt Max, he hurt her and I didn't do anything to help her. It was my fault that she was assaulted, and then it was my fault that she was terrified to talk to me. And now because I didn't protect her, she might not ever wake up.

I understood why Max wanted me to read those letters now. She wanted me to know that there were so many things she wanted to do but it was like there was a force stopping her. She was in so much pain but she really did love me and there was nothing that would change that. She couldn't get the words out but she couldn't. She irrevocably loved me, there was nothing that anyone could do to change that