Letters From the Lost

~Max~

The hospital started feeling like home. I've been here for two and a half months, and I've never been allowed to leave this room either. I had a bittersweet feeling of finally being allowed to leave. A few weeks ago I was practically begging to leave and now it feels like I was leaving my home. At the same time, there was so much trauma that this room reminded me of.

I stood in the middle of the room looking around, a nervous feeling in my stomach. Seeing my home again would bring back so many memories. Noah had to sign something then he would be back and we were going to leave. It felt nice to be in something other than an itchy hospital gown and a pair of Noah's boxers.

Noah walked back into the room, "You ready to go, sweetheart?" He questioned. I pulled myself and looked at him, he was grinning.

"Yes, let's go." My whole body ached to get home, but at the same time the memories of that house were just too painful. Noah grabbed my hand and walked me outside. His car was parked all the way in the back of the parking lot. I kept a brave face, but my body ached as we walked. My knees getting weaker with every step. I started to find it difficult to breathe, the air around me felt so thick. "Noah," I huffed. "Can we take a break? I need a second." I stopped and breathed heavily. Noah looked at me worried.

"Should I go get a doctor?" He asked. I shook my head no and looked up. "Actually, can you wait here? I'm just gonna bring the car here. I don't want to put extra stress on you." Noah turned on his heels and ran to his car. I smiled slightly at his determination to help me.

Seconds later, Noah pulled up next to me. His car blasted the radio. I shook my head and chuckled at his childish grin. He jumped out of the car and ran around to open the door for me. "My lady," He whispered. I smiled and climbed into the car.

I froze at the front door. My anxiety rose. Noah grabbed my hand, holding it tight. "Look at me," He whispered.

I turned my head and looked at him. "I promise everything will be okay. I know you've been through a lot and most of that took place in this house. But I promise, from now on, you're safe. You're safe with me and you're safe in this house." I nodded up and down. I took a deep breath and walked in. The house smelled fresh and clean, the sink was empty. Everything was completely clean aside from the dust collecting.

My eyes fell on the spot in the carpet. The spot where I laid helplessly and the only thing I could do was lay there and hope Noah would be home soon. The spot where I remembered there being a massive pool of blood was now clean. The carpet was back to its original color. My eyes burned, mostly because of the care Noah had in making sure everything was going to be stress free when I got home. "When did you clean?" I looked back at Noah.

"During your surgeries I would come here and clean as much as I could for a few hours. I wanted to make sure the house was as clean as possible when you came home. It helped keep my mind off things." I smiled and walked toward him. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me toward him. I wrapped my arms around his body and held him tight. His embrace reminded me of what it felt like to be loved. I craved his touch, but I wanted so much more than just his touch. I pulled away and looked up at him.

The anxiety that filled his eyes from so many days since I was in the hospital was gone. It was replaced with the look of love that I knew so well. I could see there was a sea of emotions and thoughts hiding behind his eyes.

"Tell me what you're thinking about," I whispered. I lifted my hand and placed it on his cheek softly. His eyebrows furrowed and his head tilted slightly.

"Why don't you tell me," He replied softly. I stared into his eyes deeply, hoping I could figure out what was going on in his mind. There was nothing. I couldn't hear Noah's thoughts, or the quiet buzz of any neighbors' minds. My mind was blissfully quiet, it felt like it had been so long since I could just shut my mind off and hear nothing.

I could feel panic rise in my chest. I hoped that I would be able to read minds again, I prayed that all I needed was time. "Noah, I can't read your mind!" I said. He looked at me worried. "I don't hear anything, it's all just blank."

He placed his hand on my cheek softly, "Sweetheart, it's okay. Everything is okay, I promise I know this freaks you out, not being able to hear people's thoughts anymore. But, listen..." I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch slightly, he was right, there was nothing, "Hear that?" I shook my head side to side slightly, "Exactly, you don't have to hear people's thoughts anymore. You can just shut people out and relax."

"Now I can't hear what you're thinking, I don't know what you think of me anymore. I don't know what questions you'll ask me, what you're doing when you aren't with me." My breathing accelerated as my mind ran, there were so many possibilities. I couldn't hear all the kind things Noah thought, I couldn't hear it and I didn't know what was going on anymore. What if he cheated or stopped loving me? What if I wasn't beautiful to him and I was just ugly like I thought I was? I stepped away from Noah and started pacing. Popping my knuckles nervously. A pit formed in my stomach. I drowned in my thoughts and couldn't find a way back to the shore, I pushed away the negative thoughts, but they didn't end.

"Max." I ignored him. "Max." Again, I couldn't find my way out. "Max!" Noah yelled. I looked at him nervously. I felt small, I sunk into my shell. It felt like all my fears came true. What if Noah really was just like Jackson? He came toward me slowly. I felt helpless, I can't hear what he's thinking, I couldn't predict what he was going to do. "Max, I won't hurt you. I will always think of you as the most beautiful and perfect woman in the world. I will never force you to answer questions that you don't want to answer, but it's okay to be caught off guard with questions. And I will never, I really mean never hurt you. I promise that Max, I know you can't hear what I'm thinking, but I promise I will never hurt you or cheat. I swear on my mother and father's graves." Tears filled Noah's eyes, and started to stream down his cheeks.

He pulled me into a hug, I didn't delay to hug back. I held him tightly. Noah's body shook, his breathing uneven. No matter how much Noah has been through, he still managed to hide everything that was going on in his mind. But this was just the final crack in his walls of defense. His protection against showing his hurt was finally broken and I saw the real Noah. The emotional, broken, and hurt Noah. The one that lost his parents at a young age. The one that had to scavenge for money. The one that got bullied by so many people. The one that didn't know if the love of his life was going to wake up.

Noah held on to me without releasing pressure, I knew what this meant. He felt like if he let go, I would leave. His head sank to the top of my head. I could feel and hear him sob quietly. I held onto him tighter. "I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too," His voice cracked. I held my tears in. I couldn't take this moment away from Noah, it was the first time he was vulnerable around me. He had been too focused on me to focus on himself. I had taken all his attention and he wasn't paying attention to the sea of emotions forming in his mind and body. He was finally letting go of something that he needed to let go of. But if I cried, he would feel guilty and never do this again.