Letters From the Lost

~Max~

There was a faint sound of beeping, it was an even slow beat. I could hear slowed but deep breathing, it sounded exactly like Noah when he was sleeping. I could feel Noah holding my hand. My whole body ached and my head throbbed, it felt like I was going to throw up. Everything was black, I opened my eyes but couldn't see anything but little slivers of light. "Noah?" I said in fear. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know where I was and I had no idea where I was. The only thing I was sure of, was that Noah was next to me.

I felt a hand squeeze tighter, "Max, baby, I'm right here. Everything is okay, I'm here." I looked at him, but I couldn't see him. His voice sounded groggy.

"Where am I? What's going on? Everything hurts!" I cried. His hand tightened around mine. My whole body ached like a pain I've never felt before. It was so difficult to breathe.

"You're in the hospital. Everything is going to hurt for a while. Do you want me to call a nurse?" He asked. I could hear the pain in his voice.

"No," my hand tightens around his, "I can't see, Noah. I can't see you! What's going on? I'm hurting, ow!" The heart monitor started beeping faster, I could feel Noah's panic emanating from his body. His hand tightened around mine, his thumb rubbing back and forth gently.

"You were attacked." His arm wrapped around my stomach and I cringed with pain, he quickly pulled his arm off of me. "I'm so sorry!" He sobbed. "It's all my fault!" He yelped. His head landed on my arm as he sobbed.

"Noah, what happened?" I asked. I felt him lift his head off my arm. Then I felt the bed sink slightly next to my leg. Noah grabbed my hand again.

"You were attacked, I'm not quite sure what happened but I think it was by Jackson. When I got home, you were on the floor nearly dead. It's all my fault, don't try to make excuses for me, it really is my fault you're in so much pain."

"It's not your fault, Noah." I took a sharp breath. It hurt so bad. I have never felt like this. I could hardly breathe, regardless of the fact that I had a breathing tube up my nose. The breathing tube in my nose and all the way up my nasal cavity stung, I could feel the intense pressure behind my eye. My eyelids felt so heavy. It felt like my entire chest was broken. My memory was so foggy, I could hardly remember what happened. But suddenly, I remembered what happened. The memory of laying on the ground feeling so helpless because I thought Noah left me. I remembered the pain I felt when Jackson started beating me. I remember what I told Noah about the letters. "How long has it been?" I questioned.

"Two and a half weeks," He whispered. His voice was so broken and worried. I know the pain he must have felt was horrible. Not knowing if I was going to wake up or not, and that feeling of helplessness of not being able to do anything. Losing the love of your life would cause endless pain, but he had no idea if I was okay or if I wasn't going to see him again.

"Wait." I lifted my hand and felt my stomach. It was sore to the touch, I cringed when I put pressure on where I was stabbed. But, there was no baby bump. "Noah, what happened to my baby?" I asked. I started panicking. Noah stayed silent, I know he was looking at me with the most heart-wrenching expression. I could imagine the pain in his eyes. "Noah, what the hell happened?"

"It was Jackson," He whispered. "What Jackson did to you was fatal to the baby. They couldn't save the baby. I'm so sorry," He whispered even quieter.

"No! No! No! That's not true! No! Noah, that can't be true!" I cried. Noah quickly laid down and pulled me into his arms gently, holding me tight. I couldn't help but sob in his chest. Regardless of all the emotions I felt when I found out I was pregnant, I still felt so much for the baby. I would be four months pregnant next week. The worst feeling was having to carry and raise a child that was a result of rape, having to raise a child whose father was my abusive ex-boyfriend. Being as undernourished as I was, raising that child would be rough for me and I knew it. But being a mother was always a dream of mine. All the mixed emotions I had about being pregnant, the child itself was still beautiful and I still felt love and care for them.

"It's okay, it's okay," Noah whispered. His hand rubbed up and down my back slowly. It felt like if he let go we would lose each other again. He was at his breaking point and if he lost me again, he would fall off the edge.

"I'm so sorry, Noah. I'm so sorry." I whispered. "I'm sorry." My voice was faint and broken. I balled up in Noah's arms. My body ached terribly, but Noah's touch made me feel better mentally. I was so drained and exhausted, but touching Noah's body, hearing his heartbeat, and feeling his breath, it was comforting.

His arms tightened around me, "You didn't deserve what happened. But it isn't your fault, you don't need to apologize to me. What Jackson did to you was wrong, and it was not okay. He almost...He did kill you. You were dead for ten minutes. He assaulted you and got you pregnant without your permission, and that is not okay." The pain in his voice was heartbreaking.

"I...I was d- dead?" I whispered. Noah started shaking.

His breath hitched, "That's why you're in pain. I broke your ribs, I was trying to get you to wake up and I broke your ribs. Just like what they taught us, I broke your ribs and you didn't wake up. Oh, Max, you didn't wake up!" Noah started sobbing in my arms. I had never seen him like this, he was breaking and he was hurt. His heart was broken because he was the one who caused me this pain, but he did it because he was saving my life. "I'm so sorry," He said between sobs.

"Noah, you saved my life. I'm alive because of you. If you didn't do CPR, I would be dead. And clearly, I'm alive, it's okay! I'm not mad, it's okay. I'm okay!" His sobs slowed. He held onto me like it was the end of the world and we were the only things left. He held on to me so tight. "Kiss me," I said. Noah looked at me confused. "Noah...Kiss me!" I repeated. He immediately pressed his lips against mine. I missed this, I haven't kissed him in so long. I grabbed the sides of his face, holding him there. I couldn't let him pull away.

He pulled away, and we both hyperventilated. A childish grin painted his face. I struggled to breathe, my stomach cramped as I struggled. "Breath, it's okay. Breath," He whispered. "I missed that," He giggled.

I wish I could see the grin Noah had on his face. I wish I could see Noah's beautiful eyes. But all I had was the feeling of him, and the memory of his face. There was one thing that was worrying my mind. I couldn't read Noah's mind. I couldn't hear his thoughts. I was trying to see what I looked like through his eyes, but I couldn't get into his mind. I couldn't get into anyone's mind for that matter. The quiet buzzing of people's thoughts was absent.