"DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? IT'S 1 AM, YOUNG LADY! You said you'd only be out until 10 at the latest. You best EXPLAIN YOURSELF."
"She took the breakup pretty rough, huh?"
"Jeez!" Chaewon drops her keys and jumps at her neighbours' booming voices in the dark, desolate hallway. "You're both still up?"
"Of course. We wanted to be here to comfort you in case it didn't go well... also Kazuha had that recurring nightmare where her Gundams come to life and kill her!" Sakura can't get halfway through the sentence without bursting into laughter. Chaewon joins her.
"You guys!" Kazuha whines. "It's not funny! It's a legitimate fear of mine! Sometimes the creation outsmarts and attacks its creator. Look what happened with Frankenstein's monster and Dr. Frankenstein!"
It's too late in the night/too early in the morning to try to reason with Kazuha, so Sakura merely shakes her head and wraps an arm around her neurotic wife's waist.
"Well, might as well come in and tell us all about it, heartbreaker," Kazuha winks at Chaewon as the latter trudges through the door, carrying with her a dirty little secret-a secret so dirty, that one shall not come near it without wearing the proper PPE: hazmat suit, teflon gloves, and all.
A secret so dirty, that those touching it would have to scrub their palms until their skin comes off just to get rid themselves of the secret's grimy essence.
Sakura's got a knack for detecting such secrets and their keepers. She calls it her "bullshit detector"; Kazuha calls it "the reason she could never cheat on Sakura" (not that the sinful thought has ever crossed her mind... unless Ms. Brown were to assume a fully human form and-no, not even then).
Sakura points an accusatory finger directly in front of Chaewon's nose.
"You slept with her."
"What?" Chaewon laughs it off and she couldn't look more guilty even if she tried. "N-no, I didn't! I told you I was gonna end things with Yunjin today. Why on earth would I sleep - "
Then Sakura does that thing where she aggressively punctuates every word in her sentence.
"How. Many. Times! Did. You. Sleep! With. Her?"
"Once!" Chaewon anxiously rubs at her neck, attempting to cover the obvious hickeys (plural!) Yunjin left.
Then Sakura does that other thing with a person's name: she says it like she owns it.
"Chaewon."
Chaewon immediately fesses up.
"Fine! Once when we first got to her apartment and then twice before I left, so only like...three times!"
Kazuha gasps rather overdramatically while Sakura stays quiet, not breaking eye contact with Chaewon.
"But you guys don't get to judge me, ok? You don't know how hard it gets. You had the exact same schedule in freshman year. You sat right next to each other in each class. You didn't even have to try to find one another. But what about me? I have to filter through all the dicks and douches. The journey of finding 'the one' is frustrating and exhausting and sometimes I just want to take a break! Sometimes I just wanna let loose, like Jiwoo and her weed growing guru! I have needs too, you know! And Yunjin was right there and she introduced me to Shiro, and he was so stinkin cute, and Yunjin said that she only lets people special to her play with Shiro and I just wanted to be special, damn it!"
Chaewon is panting at the end of her rant; Kazuha is more confused than she was when Chaewon started it.
"I feel like I'm watching the season 4 finale of a show I've never heard of."
"Yeah," Sakura agrees, "Slow down, Chae. Who are Jiwoo and Shiro?"
"Jiwoo," Chaewon sighs, "Is one of the smartest people I know who just made one of the dumbest decisions a person could make all in the name of love. Shiro... well, it's better if I show you."
The trio then proceed to spend the next hour stalking the Instagram page the photogenic Yunjin made for her equally photogenic pet.
Doggy user "@siiirrrro" gains two human followers: "@k_a_z_u_h_a__" and "@39saku_chan," the latter of whom soon proves herself to be the most deranged, emotionally unstable fangirl in the history of fangirl culture.
One glance at Shiro in a green cable-knit sweater vest has Sakura screaming, crying, throwing up.
"ZUHAAA!" Sakura wails, "Baby, look at him! My precious! HE'S SO TINY! WHAT DO WE DO?! WE HAVE TO PROTECT HIM!!!"
It takes another cheesy post, a candid shot of Shiro napping on Yunjin's windowsill with the caption "it's been a ruff day," to fully break Sakura. She claws at Kazuha's blue flannel sleep shirt and sobs into it. In between hiccups and erratic gasps for air, Sakura begs Kazuha to get her a puppy like Shiro.
But Kazuha, being the overachieving spouse and excellent gift giver that she is, refuses to settle for an off brand, less cuter version of what is clearly the greatest creature on four legs.
Sakura is the real deal and she deserves the real thing.
"Chaewon," Kazuha begins sternly, still comforting a distraught Sakura in her arms, "My wife wants your Tinder hookup's dog. And whatever my wife wants, my wife gets. You hear me? So this is what you're gonna do: you're gonna marry this Yunjin-and even if the marriage is loveless and miserable, you just gotta suck it up and deal with it because eventually you'll divorce her-and when you divorce her, you're gonna gain complete custody of Marilin-''
(converter-nim loves crayon shinchan hehehe)
Sakura briefly pulls her blotchy face out of Kazuha's shirt to correct her. "SHIROO!"
"Right," Kazuha quickly shakes her head, "Shiro. You're gonna give us Shiro and we will raise him as our own. We'll let you see him on every other weekend and most holidays. Just not Christmas... actually Christmas is fine but not both Christmas and New Years. We'll have to figure out the best arrangement for the pup."
"Hold on. There's a flaw in your little dognapping plan here, my ridiculous friend. I'm still breaking up with her. I would've done it tonight-I was this close -" Chaewon presses her thumb and index finger close together, leaving only a few millimeters of space in between "-I just got a little carried away. Sleeping with Yunjin was an accident, I swear."
"Oh sure," Sakura snorts, "There must have been a huge gust of wind that blew through her apartment and knocked both your clothes off!"
"Just a second folks," Kazuha presses a hand to her ear, news-anchor style, acting as if she's receiving a message through a bluetooth earpiece. "I'm getting word that HURRICANE HORNY has just made landfall. I repeat: Hurricane Horny is here. Do not go outside. Stay indoors, in bed at all times!"
The married couple takes a second to high-five each other for their witty commentary on Chaewon's dysfunctional love life. Chaewon herself is not very pleased.
"Guys!" Chaewon huffs, "Come on! What do I do now? This whole situation just got way more complicated because of sex."
"Well, did you maybe consider... not having it?"
"Ha-ha," Chaewon sneers at Kazuha, "Such helpful insight. I'll try that next time."
YOU ARE READING
from which a garden grows / purinz
Fanfiction#1 purinz Sakura says every long-lasting relationship is like a garden: you first start out with a few seeds of potential. Chaewon doesn't see any potential in her latest love interest... ok maybe she's fine as fuck and her toy poodle is kinda cute...
