nebraskan lights | skammy (finished)

18 | sam

"You know I love you, right?" Nate asked me as he reached for my hand in the darkness of his room.

"Yeah," I breathed, "I know you do."

"That's all I want you to think and know. That's why I have to tell you something."

My attention was caught now, I wasn't going to lie, he had me.

"I kind of kissed Matthew. But, let me explain. He was leading me on and my body just reacted without my mind's consent to do so. I'm really sorry, Sam."

My lungs felt like they were getting squished and I tried to even my breaths.

"It's okay, you kissed him, I mean..." I managed to wheeze out between gasps of air.

"Sam?" Nate was gripping my wrist. "What's wrong?"

"Panic...attack..." I gripped my hands tightly into balls. "I'm okay..."

"Are you-"

"Positive..." I trailed the word out as my breaths returned evenly. "Told you."

"Look, I'm sorry." Nate tried to apologize, again. God, he's so dumb sometimes.

"We didn't have anything going on at the time you kissed Matthew, so it didn't even count. If you're thinking you somehow cheated on me, you didn't."

"It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about it."

"Don't." The word slipped from my lips before I stopped it. "Don't feel guilty over me."

"I don't want to lose you." Nate muttered, pawing at his eyes with his sweater sleeves.

He's so high, I think to myself.

"I'm not leaving, I promise you. You're not going to lose me ever because I need you way more than you need me."

"That's not true." He muttered, looking up at me. "Why do you need a bossy, annoying, always-getting-high, person in your life? You deserve someone better than me."

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me." I sighed, letting him lace our fingers together. "Don't forget that."

"Mmmh, I won't." He buzzed. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you're pretty captivating, too. You remind me of the countless nights I spent sleeping out in open fields back in Nebraska."

I waited for a second, waiting for him to finish his thought, but he didn't finish so I sighed. "What do you mean?"

"Those nights I spent out there, there was one thing keeping me from going insane. Those Nebraskan lights. The lights of the highway dancing in the distance, the night stars aligning in the sky, the slight glow of the fireflies, it was you."

"Me?" I whispered, feeling my breath catch.

"It was honestly the most beautiful thing ever and it didn't come anywhere close to the pure beauty you have within yourself."

I thanked the Gods above that the room was pitch black and the only light was the moonlight spilling through closed curtains.

"Nate, you're seriously something else."

"Let's do something crazy..." Nate's voice trailed off as he laid his head down and closed his eyes.

"Like what?" I lowered my voice more.

"Let's start our own road trip across America, stopping in the cities and just exploring. It would be fun."

I smiled as Nate fell asleep on my chest and sighed.

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authors note:

night thoughts